Just posted in the cologne thread lol
Thank you for your words, I appreciate them.
Iāve actually tried the not aiming for routine thing as well and I find it makes things much worse. It seems to lead to the most time alone in my head so if im at least trying to meet these goals of routine, my mind is focused on that and not necessarily the things that make me depressed in life.
Also, whenever I seem to get feelings of failure, I tend to remind myself of things that I am grateful for to see that I am not a complete failure and I DO have plenty to live for/continue being sober for.
Meditation helps too!
Life seems to always be adding the bundle of straws to see how long before the camel breaks.
I think what matters most is what the camel does once broken, because life itself will never stop being life.
7 Likes
Day 37. Cravings so bad. I know itās all emotions but they seem insurmountable tonight.
14 Likes
You can do it. One minute one second at a time !! 
5 Likes
Youāll get through it, just keep reminding yourself that itās only your brain trying to trick yourself.
Youāll feel great when you wake up on day 38 without a hangover 
4 Likes
@Butterflymoonwoman Yeess! Keep your boundaries! Be firm! It must be inimaginably hard with a partner who still uses. Proud of you!
@paper_boats Nice to see u checking in, but donāt feel bad if u donāt, it is for you. I am glad u are getting therapy. The absence of a partner can take a long time to get used to. āGet used toā is the only way I can think to put it, but it sounds a bit crass, I mean still hurt but in a less pointed way.
5 Likes
Thank you! 
1 Like
I think this makes sense, actually.
Iām a much better person than I was in the past and my improvements have me striving for more. I want to continuously do better and better and although this is who I ultimately desire to be, I fear I am out of alignment.
I wish that I could take antidepressants but my doctors wont prescribe me anything with the potential to be used in self harm. Besides, I think Iāve been fairing okay to have gotten this far and not be plagued with suicidal suggestions or thoughts. I have gained alot of self love, respect and acceptance in my sobriety and growth. But then again, i think im fairing alright when im daily running myself into the ground at the gym just to breathe comfortably 
I do love the idea of this questioning oneself. Im going to write this down and utilize it.
Thank you so much!
4 Likes
The review was very cute. I still canāt get over her talking about how good they taste. 
Iāll post the link to the thread so it will be easier for people to find if they want to see what you posted. 
6 Likes
You know, even although i do feel like enough, more than that, I want to be more.
I can say that I am comfortable with myself, to an extent. Again, I want to be more. I want more out of life.
I crave routine and structure, its something that I feel i need to meet alot of personal goals.
3 Likes
Checking in
Day 3
Still at hospital. Its been hard today. Iām tired and still somewhat sick myself. But Iām doing everything I can to be there for my loved one. Hubby is stopping by shortly to have supper and visit. I am focusing on me and also on staying firm yet kind to whatās happened. Itās not going to do any good for me to both at him and nag. God only knows that I hated when people did that to me. But I still need to be open with him about how I feel. Anyway, Iām going strong. He did miss work today also. So hopefully that doesnāt bite him in the ass. Canāt wait to have a shower here and try n get better sleep.
18 Likes
That is the important thing! To know that even when you are struggling is a sign of real clarity. Like you say there will always be struggle - well, hopefully not always! - but there will always be ups and downs. Knowing that you can get through them can be half the battle.
Re enoughā¦ I donāt really know but I think a lot of my struggles with mental health, and drinking before that, came from a fear of feeling worthless. I built that up with external things. So for me, breaking free of the need to āachieveā, to be somehow in a different place to where I am, has been a big part of my journey. Basically my goal is to have no goals 
Not quite, ha, but definitely taking the pressure off is important for me.
We are all different of course. Finding the things that work for us as individuals can be so hard, but ultimately thatās where the rewards are 
7 Likes
Checking in 26 days sober !
16 Likes
I am so sorry to hear you are struggling so much. We accept you here, but eventually it is you who has to accept yourself. We care. So happy you didnāt drink, very proud. Sending you hugs 
6 Likes
It took a while to come to this realization. It took plenty of sober nights alone holding my daughter while i contemplated suicide to finally open my eyes. I have literally been in the worst time of my entire life and having lived what I have lived through has shown me my own strength and determination to make it out of the other side alive. Not just for my daughter but for myself, too. Before, all I wanted to do in life is give up.
Now, all I want to do is make it. I am going to fucking make it.
Iām not 100% sure of where my depression and alcoholism stems from but Iām sure alot has to do with self hatred, lack of self worth and fear of success. (To name a few)
Actually, I think what you said makes sense. I would love to be in a part of life where i achieved all of my major goals and all i had to do was live and enjoy life to its fullest. I like the thought of that!
And yes, we are all certainly different as individuals. All complicated in our own ways
5 Likes
6 7/8 M AF Hi sober family, Owen here checking in sober and nicotine free.
A little under the weather after the booster shot yesterday, yet still managed the gym with the tender arm. Happy to have purchased more small journal books/day timers and a gel pen that attaches to the book. It will fit in my back pocket everywhere I go!! 
Iām going to embrace another meditation now and Iāll look for the compassion towards self csre!
Just this present moment together 
š§āā:raised_hands:
15 Likes
I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are enduring Ami. You know that using will make the situation worse not better. Iām happy you chose to check in here to get support instead. Kudos for making that wise choice. You can endure this and it will get better. It wonāt be the same with him but it will get better again.
4 Likes
Hey @paper_boats how has you day been today and how are you feelingā¦? 
Iāve been reading a few of your recent posts and just want to let you know first off, your not alone! And I promise you youāve got this if you care and try enough buddy! Give yourself a chance with time and becoming more open to trying new things (however small) I know exactly where youāre coming from when you mention overwhelming depression, feeling a need for routine and so much moreā¦ Thereās so much for the mind to go into overdrive with when pessimism overwhelms neutrality or even positivity. I was in the deepest pit again less than 2 weeks ago, self-sabotage was eating me from within and I realized a few things: I hated, judged, blamed and felt guilty over myself so deeply for the past, future and mere thoughts - none of which actually even exist! Itās literally just the brain being miswired somewhere to create problems because it doesnāt know any betterā¦ Iām currently seeing a psychologist once a week where I try to be an open book because thatās what itās for if I really want to change - which I do, and made myself a personal vow to stick to sobriety and putting in a conscious effort every day at least for the next week (ending tomorrow)ā¦ And it seems to have really helped so far, maybe just in alleviating the pressure of the endless unknown? Itās not that I plan to stop after the week, just so I have a short term goal I can convince myself to stick to without feeling too overwhelmed - one of the things helping is paying much more attention to the moment, like if Iām wasting my time now or feeling anxious or neglecting something, I correct it as Iām thinking it, in whatever small a way even - just for that week after allā¦ And I know I canā¦ Also Iāve become less positivity-seeking and a bit more matter-of-fact since my last low somehow, I know that life isnāt easy. But itās rarely about whatās easy or comfy, but whatās better in the end! And if I donāt really commit to finding and helping myself out, to rewiring what Iām aware is miswired somewhere, to taking some of the little but initially scary opportunities I may need if I want to grow at least to my greatest potential from here on - irrespective of anything else, then nothing and nobody honestly ever will or even canā¦ That responsibility might initially feel heavy, but once you realize that it doesnāt need to be, that people have grown and shone out of much darker and disadvantaged places, that if Iāve been failing all this time and feel like I have nothing to lose otherwise, going forwards is the only path not treaded enough yet and left open anywayā¦ Not being affraid of things as much - if you have social anxiety for example, starting with greetings, gradually followed by superficial small talk about something short like the weather, a question, some news or activity that day, and before you know it, if you carry on putting yourself out there (because weāre all just human, and shyness doesnāt matter! ) youāre able to open up and getting comfortable with the new exposure. Other things might include hygiene, your diet, a healthy sleepā¦ All of these things can change with the right approach, which might be writing down notes, at least looking into or just getting started with something important is often all thatās needed to set you in motionā¦ Especially if youāve set smaller time goals - hence why āone day at a timeā is so bloody important (we have no idea)!! But you can do this, try to meditate too, and stick to the 3 basics: sleep, diet & hygiene because they are the building blocks of a healthy mind and bodyā¦ Accompany that with mindfulness, meditating (maybe guided via audio or video), notes, even just initiating important things, trying to have all electronic devices off after a certain time (keeping that shortterm vow in mind - more an āalright I did say until then Iād be conscious of bla, and even if I really feel bla now (which only takes exposure to rewire) Iāll gradually actually kinda try to follow throughā). And you know you can do it! And that once becomes twice and three times etcā¦ Look up neurological wiring (Better Ideas on youtube is a good start), but looking up your struggles, problems, pains is exactly what you want to do to understand yourself and find a way to move forwards whatever you do because we only have one lifeā¦ Thereās no expectation of you, no judgement that matters when it comes down to it, no purpose maybe even - just your insight, strength, courage, responsibility and commitment in the moment RIGHT now to what you actually even want out of your life? Yesterday, tomorrow and your thoughts donāt exist and are mostly irrelevant in the big picture my friend. Donāt hate a you that doesnāt exist except in your mindā¦!? Youāre free, unique, special, gifted and above all very much able to do what you might fear most. So try to slowly but surely expose yourself, thereās no way around it, how much do you love yourself? How sick are you of failure or current circumstances? What would you prefer and how can you realistically work toward that step by step, day by day until one day you barely realize how far some of these small steps could actually bring youā¦ Sorry if Iāve taken anything out of proportion/context or anything, but I guess this might help anybody reading it right now, to try to love and invest in yourself (and every little counts, especially initially until you get used to the new path!) if you feel down because your life is worth every bit once you let go of your barriers and dive into more and more unknown to progressā¦ All the best brothers and sisters, and a hug to you @paper_boats if you need it ey! 
12 Likes