Hello everyone, can’t believe it’s been almost 19 months for me.if if an get through all of my stuff from last year, I feel good about my chances. Started this year off with some COVID so tht was fun. Doing better now. I hope everyone has been doing well!
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- Got some restful days off. Now prepping for work. Going to try and make them good days too!
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Good for you @Hollz. You rock!
Hi all, I’m at work right now, end of the day, it’s that time when the voice starts sneaking into my brain. (It doesn’t sneak in every day, but the days it does, it’s almost always at this time.) So I’m checking in! Keeping safe, reaching out, keeps me clean when out and about! 
Been a busy couple weeks as I contemplate a career change. Lots to consider because I’m looking at an entrepreneurship thing. (More risk, but also more freedom and more potential earnings.) There’s a million things involved in this, but the heaviest one is the borrowing. Will have to see what’s possible there.
Today was an ok day but I feel a little mixed about my performance. I sorta think, I could have done this, could have done that. In this headspace I get distracted and discouraged and I lose track of the things I have accomplished (which are reasonable for today). I need to remember than in the sometimes-craziness of life, we all have just 24 hours, and any sober day is a win. (Because when you’re sober, those 24 hours are a constructive experience, even if you didn’t meet all your planned goals.)
So good to see everyone’s progress here.
@kat261 how did the interview go?
@Butterflymoonwoman glad to hear your husband is ok! Thank god 
@Tomek in sorry to hear about the disconnection. That is heartbreaking and I bet it feels cold. Are you ok today? Is there anything we can do?
Much love to everyone here. I’m grateful every day to have this community here on TS
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Thank you! Actually I’m not ok. The only close irl friend I have (besides my ex) doesn’t seem to care about me. If she expressed any care towards me, it would be easier to deal with the rest. I always believed that whatever happens, she would be there for me without asking. But apparently not. And with that I’m losing the idea of being able to be loved and accepted by anyone, to be cared about. She was the only one from my youth who stayed by me and now I do not only see any connection in my future, but I don’t seem to have connection to my past. I feel rootless and everything’s just empty.
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Day 103. You know wtf. I sit here and no exactly what it’s like to relapse, put myself through hell and fall completely. I see relapse stories on here all the time. But first thing my mind says to me when I wake up is let’s get some drinks im sick of being tired and depressed all the time, atleast when I have a couple drinks I relax and feel happy for a little bit, yeah shame and guilt come with it but seriously in those little bit of moments of drinking I feel happy and relaxed for a little. I’m not going to act on them, sure some of it may be true but something shitty always came from it, so I’m gonna treat myself to some take out and watching a movie. I heard this quote one time it said I drink to keep the demons asleep, and I couldn’t help but think that’s how true it was, when I’m sober I just feel like I fight them off the whole time, but when I drink I don’t actually put them to sleep they take control of me and I end up doing the dumbest shit possible. Much love
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Midnight check in.
My downstairs neighbours are having a loud party. Went there to ask them to keep it down (10PM is the official limit). The girl who lives in the apartment answered the door drunk, aggressive, uncooperative, loud and insulting. Her live-in bf came out more civil. As I was talking with him she got more and more irritated and would have assaulted me if the bf hadn’t grabbed her and tossed her back inside. She went nuts, screaming and kicking the door, calling me a fat whore and that I should stick tampons in my ears. I left to get my phone and called the police. They came but idk the outcome, I didn’t stay to watch.
Already sent a complaint to our housing board. It’s sad how alcohol renders some people such obnoxious fools.
I’m starting a new job try out tomorrow and my alarm goes off at 6.30am. this really was the last thing I needed.
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@Matt thanks for asking I got the job! Just part time but I am sure there will be call-ins. I chose 6am-2pm shifts mostly so I can still get to meetings
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I hear you Mike. I struggle with the same thoughts. I’m often thinking that I’d like to just ‘relax’ and switch off all my worries for a bit, have a drink and chill the F out because when I have those first couple drinks I do feel happy and relaxed. It seems like I’m having a good time and just letting go of all my stress and angst for a bit. However, whilst some of this might be true initially, the other part that is equally as truthful is that, I won’t stop drinking after just a few, I will get drunk and sometimes even blackout drunk, then I will wake / come to with the absolutely worst thoughts and feelings you can imagine. SO much regret, disappointment, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, fear, sadness, despair…and more. It sucks. But this is what goes hand in hand with drinking alcohol, for me. Alcohol is poison. It acts as poison in my body, if not immediately at first, it’s sure to come. So, I’m learning to accept this fact and to live with the truth. I can’t drink alcohol to relax and have fun or to wind down… just doesn’t work like that for me. The lapse I had on Christmas Day really solidified this for me, because it was exactly this. What started off as seemingly enjoyable and I was laughing smiling - the alcohol deceived me into thinking all was well, when it wasn’t - I ended up blackout drunk and hurt and embarrassed.I woke the next day with dread, disgust, fear, regret. I was still an emotional wreck, but now, the alcohol had made it worse. And I had an awful hangover. As a sober person, I don’t have to deal with that 
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Sorry for that Olivia. You sure didn’t need that aggravation. Hope you can get some rest and success with the new job tomorrow.
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You are growing.
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100% true Mike. It’s one of the false promises booze and drugs make. It’s the addict in you speaking. You know it. You describe it excellently well. You’ve grown a lot friend.
One of the things we have to learn in recovery is to find those moments of relaxation and happiness sober and clean. They are there. I know for sure you have them. There must be moments with your girls you feel like that. Or when you’re doing your art. And other stuff I don’t know about.
I have mine. Riding my bike. Hiking. Meeting with my besties. We don’t need booze and drugs. Actually we need the opposite, we need our sobriety. Well you know that perfectly well as you just described. Thanks for sharing Mike. I feel you are doing a lot better than you think.
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Good to see you Chad. Thanks for your service and congrats on your days.
Day 280.
Day 3 of mini staycay.
I thought I may of become triggered by a hotel room seeing as the only times I stayed in one in the last few years was when I was using and partying.
Not a single cell of my body has been triggered these past 3 days.
I feel like I’m truly growing through this period of my life.
Happy 
It’s 10am. Had a sleep in till 9.30am! Got coffee. Back In bed with it to chill with my book for a while before I head out to go get my nails done and get a massage. I have the day off work today. Its a Public holiday in Melbourne 
Lifes good. Grateful to be clean and sober.
Grateful for hotel sheets and pillows more and more each day here lol 
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Good for you April.
Enjoy getting your nails done and your massage. Sounds awesome. You’ve earned it.
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I find this often at work. Especially now I am part time. I write a to do list at the start of each week with my top tasks, maybe three things, that I feel like I should have finished by the end of that week. That seems like the right number based on my hours and type of work. Gives me space to get distracted and still feel some sense of accomplishment. Also forces me to prioritise!
I try and do the same outside of work too… Not quite so task focused but generally trying to keep my expectations of myself manageable. A bit of direction but lots of room for flexibility so I don’t end up feeling really bummed out by not getting through an impressive but ultimately impossible to do list.
Career change sounds exciting if that’s the path you choose! Without knowing anything about it, hopefully there will be some ways to minimise the risks if you are worried.
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Good luck with the job try out! Am I right that you’ve been off for a while?
I went back in October after a year off and it’s been an adjustment but overall I’m glad I did. Hope you enjoy it and the excitement/ nerves/ adrenaline get you through the sleepiness!
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Today is Australia day here. Its the biggest public holiday of the year. Every Australian generally gets shit faced. And the whole country celebrates. It’s a big day of bbqs and drinking and beach days… Australia day is a big day here… @Becsta @Seb @Andy68
But, us fellow soberians will all be enjoying our day clean and sober! Lol 
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Checking in on day 262. Our home’s original construction did not meet my wife’s and my ocd requirement for symmetry on the only logical wall to place our bed in the master bedroom. We contracted for a new cut and installation in November and the project finally happened today. We did not however think ahead about blinds and curtains so we have had to improvise temporarily. I got the idea from crackhouse interior designs incorporated (my name. Pending LLC application). Have a great day everyone. It’s a great day to be above ground and sober.
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Hello you lovely lot. I haven’t been keeping up with this thread for ages and not posted for fear of missing updates and then feeling guilty about it. But here I am, reading and posting!
Saw this article earlier which was helpful for me as I am back on the nicotine free path. Also just generally coming to terms with some things that feel like limitations at the moment re mental and physical health even though I’m sure they will benefit me in the long run. Nothing serious, but frustrating nonetheless.
@anon53116147 @emc2018 and anyone else whose dopamine receptors aren’t playing nicely at the moment. Imagine that covers pretty much everyone here at one point or another tbh 
As always grateful to this space and all you wonderful souls who keep it going with so much kindness and support 
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