That sounds awesome liv. And great at rocking the jump, I can relate with anxiety I broke my ankle on a kid hill at a place called whiteface. I literally couldn’t stop and ran into the building at the bottom of the hill. But I am glad you got out there and had fun.
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Day 142, girls did come over and we did have a good day much love
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Day 110
Not gonna lie, I’m hurting.
Realizing nothing is as it seems. Friends and people all have motives and agendas. Some intentionally attack me because I’m open and forward about my faith.
Men can be disgusting pigs. (Sorry brothers)
I know there are so many good and well intentioned men out here too yet I seem to attract some ferocious wolves and pigs. (Boars)
Anyways …
I’m feeling extremely alone, bored, unsettled, un-purposed and closed off. I’m feeling unworthy of true love and honorable froendships, I’m feeling abandoned and shipwrecked.
I think I’ll go for a very long walk. And turn off technology except good music and headphones.
Deep breath…
Today is one of these days where I’m glad tomorrow will come and hope is but a speck on someone else’s radar.
I feel VERY disposable and replaceable. Mis-guided, mis-calculatrd and fucking depressed.
Sorrow…
Sorry for my dark truth here.
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Those are some hard feelings. But you are the opposite of all those things, you are unique, of value, lovable.
A good stomp listening to music sounds like a smart response.
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I’m sorry to read your having a lousy day. That sounds awful. Getting it out on here and then Getting out and having a good walk with some music is a great idea. If I felt like that I’d get Eminem and some other angry hip hop artist blaring in my head and power walk it off. Or a good Christian playlist. And get the power of God to help relieve your pain. Either way you are doing something to help yourself. I’ll throw a little prayer your way too.
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1Peter 5:7
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It sounds like you have faced a lot today, and feeling pain is hard when we are learning how to live this new way of life.
I am going to challenge this thinking though. I understand where you are coming from 100%, but this thinking is not going to work well if you want to move forward in your recovery. People can be shitty, and lots of people are always shitty, but not all people are shitty. I have been blessed to find some pretty amazing people in recovery who are working solid programs and are bettering themselves daily. To be honest with you, I’m not super interested anymore in having non " addict in recovery" friends. I find the general population needs to do some work on themselves and that we in recovery are willing to do that. Once I changed who I was hanging around with and took a look at the common denominator in all my “shitty relationships” (me) I was able to change some things up. You are right when you say “we attract”, that is exactly what happens. So I needed to look at my behaviors that were attracting this type of person into my life. It is a cycle for me, and it can be broken if I stay self-aware. I can’t blame all the men, not all of them were hunting me down, I waved down quite a few.
You are definitely not alone Paige, although I am sure that you do feel it. Attacking you due to your faith only shows someone’s ignorance, I am sorry that you were hurt in this way.
Sending you a big hug, I hope you can clear your mind while you walk.
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Hope you have a better evening paige.
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Well done sir!!! When you get those urges I know its not easy at all! I always ask myself in that moment…what will I feel like after drinking that bleach? Momentary bliss followed immediately by shame, guilt, and sadness. Win the moment win the day. Congrats on staying strong bro! One moment at a time…
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Not posted in a while as I’ve been pretty busy recently. But still going strong, checking in 48 days! 10 days longer than my last stint! Enjoying sobriety now, I like having more time, my life is so much more in order, is great not having hangovers & feeling like crap. Iv actually started a project recently which I’ve been enjoying and which could bring in some money in the future. Would never have had the head space to even think about doing half the stuff I’ve done relating to this when I was drinking! I’ve not smoked or vaped either for ages (not actually been counting the days with that but it’s been a decent amount of time and I don’t crave it anymore) and finally starting to get a bit of a grip on the eating junk food, started counting calories & eating healthy and generally I’ve been sticking to it, just allowing a few treats every now and then. All in all things are good atm and after ages of being bored depressed and sober, I now feel like I am really starting to enjoy the benefits of a sober life. I don’t want to speak too soon, but I really don’t see myself going back to drinking. Met a friend for dinner this Eve and went to a pub before hand as we were early for the table, not even one part of me wanted to drink, it just wasn’t even a temptation. And just had a really nice evening catching up, having nice food, and bits I’m back home sober and clear headed 
. Haven’t been able to catch up on all the previous messages recently, but hope everyone is well
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I’m sorry you are hurting. You are not alone, but you’re right, there are dishonest and cruel and manipulating people out there. It’s hard to understand how some people are the way they are. If you need to talk more you can always message me. I know you don’t know me, and it’s hard to trust people. I’ve felt similar to how you are feeling. That’s why I don’t let a lot of people into my life, I always have my radar on. I’ve been hurt too many times… But there is so much good in the world and I hope to send some your way. Hugs.
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I always appreciate how much understanding you have of how the world really works. I’ve found that the general population you speak of avoids the Work because it’s hard, it’s long, and at times the pain is unbearable. At a certain point you have to really look at yourself and admit that maybe you’re not as good, or as kind, or as strong as you thought you were. That maybe your “good intentions” are actually rooted in fear and insecurity, or maybe those fears and insecurities subconsciously perpetuate thoughts and emotions, that drive certain actions you take; and, in those actions, you end up in the same situation over and over again, and you wonder why it always happens to you, or why all (insert group) are horrible, or why you can’t find love/success/etc.
The most interesting thing, I have found, is that after the years of diving into the underworld of our consciousness, the path opens up and suddenly, with all that understanding and power of self-responsibility, there is a place of real freedom.
@PaigeTurner I’m sorry you’re hurting. It sounds like you’ve been through some difficult situations. I don’t know you, but I can tell you that you are worthy of love, and of friendship, and of all the good things that come with those connections. Keep walking forward and learning about yourself. One of the hardest things I had to learn was how to let go of people who did not value what I had to offer, or respect the person I was. It took decades to not only logically understand this, but to really accept the feelings of sadness and disappointment that came with it, to really know I wasn’t going to get what I needed or wanted from those people, and then to let them go. I wish you the best in what’s happening right now in your life.
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Hey everyone. Really trying to make it through the rest of this night. In a not so great place and I just wanted to reach out here cause I need to do something so I don’t let it beat me tonight. Could really use the extra boost tonight. Thanks everyone.
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@Kymage thank you, I’m sorry you’ve been having.bad days too 
@JennyH thank you
@Lotusflower thank you and thanks also for the reminder re progress 
@Misokatsu thank you
@Frank68 prayers for your granddaughter well done for staying sober have a great fundraiser
@Dansig I’m glad the interviews went well belated congrats on 300 days 
@Hopeful777 I hope you had a nice day at the beach 
congrats on battling those thoughts
@kat261 congrats on 7 months have a great vacation
@Annedizzle welcome I hope things went well at the doctors appointment
@1in8billion sending strength congrats on 30 days and your self-awareness over the eating stuff
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@Butterflymoonwoman I hope you enjoyed the exhibition
@DTC52 sending strength in time, weekends become just like any other day
@ShadowFax thank you Roland
@zzz I hope your hand heals quickly
@KellyKelly welcome back
@Nastymrskitty welcome congrats on 8 months seems like you can recognise the lies our addict brain tells us. I’ve been going to CA in-person and Zoom meetings and it is really helping to hear shares from other addicts, to know that I’m not the only one with a mind like this, and that there is a solution.
@SadMemeQueen Ugh, I’m sorry you had to deal with that 
@5th_dimension sorry things didn’t work out, sending strength
@anon53116147 this voice of doubt could be your addict trying to make you feel so shit that you end up using, please fight it sending strength and I’m so glad you listened to the bad vibes I glad you had a fun day with your girls
@Mno that is a gorgeous photo 
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@Jonachav123 congrats on 3 weeks
@Bran522 congrats on 60 days
@anon42928441 congrats on 2 weeks
@liv_m congrats on getting back out there
@Deep congrats on 40 days
@PaigeTurner I hope the long walk helps sending strength
@anon86198612 so pleased to read this congrats on the benefits
572 days no alcohol.
37 days no cocaine.
14 days no binge-eating.
Just caught up after missing a check-in yesterday. I still haven’t fully adjusted to the later nights from doing meetings, was determined not to miss another day though!
I’m doing okay, meetings are really helping. Not feeling quite as energized and hopeful as I was at the beginning of the week, after completing steps 1-3 last weekend, but I think that’s because I’m feeling like step 4 is going to be really heavy, I’m starting it tomorrow afternoon with my sponsor and then I’ll have a week to do some worksheets on my own.
I’m doing okay with cutting down to 3mg vape liquid from 6mg, I’ve got a few days worth left before I start on 0mg for a week or so before attempting to stop vaping completely again.
I got a new phone last night, and despite transferring everything from my previous phone to this one, I’ve lost all of my addictions and journal history 
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Yes… You are correct with everything you say here.
And yes… There ARE a helluva lot of good, sound, lovely , sober, recovery minded people.
Today I’ve been loosing (yes, loose -ing) people whom I gave and still give my efforts, time and energy toward and yet they still wanna use and give excuses that they are different and it’s ok.
Ive been doing some hard 365 mirror looks at my self and whomever else is in my tight circle and it’s gotta be only me for a bit.
I can love em from afar.
Thanks for your honesty.
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It has been so difficult letting people go.
I’m standing alone , it feels like.
I have so much healing and inventory to take of my own stuff.
Holding on is hurting me more than letting them go.
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thank you.
I’ll jam Kingdom Muzic, Tori Kelly, Young Bro and then I’ll throw a curve ball of Lady XO. Lol… All Christian except lady xo. Well … she is too but her music is not.
I do feel better.
Humbled.
I gotta take some HARD looks at me.
It’s my life and I gotta take the reigns back.
Appreciate your support
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Checking in
Day19
Went to the art exhibit with hubby. It was quite nice over all, but abit crowded. Got some good pictures 
Straightened my hair and actually put some makeup on. Felt nice to get dressed up abit and go out. Once home we settled in and then as I kind of suspected… he hinted at using in a very subtle way. I caught onto it but I acted like I didn’t and kept talking about other things lol. Then again, he hints at it but was much more direct this time. And this time I just scrunched my face and said no. It IS getting easier to turn it down. I don’t have to turn it down often but at the same time, I am learning to stay on my toes and have my “armor” on fir particulsr days that I know are more susceptible to me being asked. So… I was expecting it and thats why it didn’t catch me off guard. Briefly that little thought goes thru my mind. But I am not going thru that shit any more. I am happy where I am being clean and sober. I love who I’m becoming 
Anyway, here is my current mood haha
I found this this in one of my boxes from way back when. It’s called the Daily Mood. It had a variety of moods to choose from lol This should help hubby with how I’m feeling lol jk
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So glad you had an amazing day! I had a great day too but now I’m craving. Poured myself a nice non alcoholic beverage and thought to myself " this would taste better with a shot of gin… Maybe just a 1/2 a shot???"" NOOOOOOOO… Not just one. Not just one. One will be ten. I would be sooo disappointed if I gave up now. 1 week here I come!!! (Any comments are greatly appreciated as I’m still really trying to convince myself not to drink!!! It’s right there in the cupboard… But I’m not going to open it!)
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