Thank you so much for replying. It’s kind of crazy but it actually almost works better for me to have it there.
I quit smoking years ago and it was the same way. If I didn’t have it any around I would panic, but if its available, I know I can actually have it if I really want it and I feel more in control and stronger because Im making a conscious choice and know deep down I really dont want it. That probably sounds crazy. Honestly, having it the cupboard is not a trigger. Maybe if it was on the counter where I could see it it would be. The worst trigger is my husband getting his beer buzz on. When I see his mood change, I want a drink. But another amazing night I made it through a craving AND my husband has only had three beer and we all ate dinner together and played a card game(yes I love that our 16 year old daughter will still play cards games with her parents) but usually I’m too out of it and usually hubby won’t engage as much but he’s really trying in his own way to be supportive (even if he can’t quit drinking)
I’m not gonna lie, when 3:30/ 4 pm hit is was crazy craving time, but I’m through it. I even have a line sharpied on my gin bottle to measure the level of gin and I showed hubby 5 days ago and said… The amount of liquid in the bottle Will NOT drop (he doesn’t drink gin, that’s all me) so that’s my story. Don’t know if it makes any sense. And again this is just my story I’m not recommending this to anybody else because I’m thinking probably this is very unique, and wouldn’t want to set anybody off on their own triggers.
Checking in Day 1011 AF
Back at day 0 with cigarettes. Psyching myself up to try again but the motivation is lacking.
Feeling in an overall slump lately that I’m struggling to pull myself out of, hence why I’ve been quiet on the forum lately. Have faith that it will pass.
First day off after starting work. Waking up early automatically now. Work goes well. Friday was super chill. All I had to do was scrub hard drives and install Windows 10. The cycle takes about half an hour, but we do three at a time.
But even though work is going great, I’ve got something else to worry about: my health. I was too heavy at 218 pounds, and I have ballooned to 234 and I don’t know why. I would have fluid buildup coming off a bender, but I’ve been sober 2 and half months now. Tried going hiking this morning and I was so winded I walked back to the paved road and got a ride from somebody over the hill. He was cool. Looked like an older version of the cab driver in Deadpool.
So the logical part of my brain is telling me, “you can handle this just like you have handled every other challenge in your life”. The emotional part is like “aren’t you sick of swimming upstream constantly?”
I’m listening to some chill music right now, debating on movie, dinner, bed or all of the above. Notice alcohol is not on the list. 
I’m glad ur day was okay for the most part. And I’m glad to hear that u turned down those tattoo appts with those sketchy ladies.
I do hear what ur saying tho Mike. Sometimes feeding into the negativity makes it worse. When I talk too much about negative things or complain too much, it almost creates like a snowball effect. But at the same time I feel like it’s good to get it out. Idk.
The C4 pre-workout. That’s one I used to take. And it works well but yes I remember it saying not exceed 1 scoop in a 24 hour period. Pre workouts can definitely be addictive for sure 
Can I ask what stops you from doing something about it? Do you know where the hold up is?
Often times for me, a gratitude list helps. Or positive uplifting music. I think like anything else, being optimistic/positive takes practice. Complaining in itself I feel can be so addictive too. But plz Mike, post if YOU need to post. Don’t worry about others or what we will think. If the reason why ur not wanting to post is bcuz of what WE will think… plz don’t let that stop you. Honestly… if you need to post ur struggles etc… post away 
Of course you can ask. And I mean my best guess and answer for myself is laziness, complacent, fear. It is such a chore and anxiety filled step just to get up and literally do anything around the house even, like last night when I was cleaning my mind hurt so much and was confused and lost on what to do and I feel so dumb for saying idk how to clean but I get lost…my mom was mad at me today for cancelling the appointments, I got a big old eye roll about it and when it tried talking to her about it she didn’t want to hear about it. She was so excited when I first started doing the tattoos but not anytime I try to talk to her about it she kind of just looks away or yups me and doesn’t wanna hear what I have to say. But idk I’ll try to be a better person tomorrow.
Congratulations on those 40 days. I know what you’re talking about. For me, Urges come in the form of fantasies. Fantasy was a core building block behavior of mine from the ages of 1 to 12. I used fantasy alot to escape my reality and alter my mood. The root is my toxic shame.
So I get the shame based method of trying to abruptly stop myself from fantasizing. It’s not effective when my shame is triggered leading me to act out more. But it’s also not healthy to allow the urges and fantasies to persist. Easy Peasy was helpful to get me to see the worthlessness of acting out. But if I continue to ignore my shame, it’s going to come out. And urges and fantasies are the primary way my shame manifests itself. So I want to discourage my fantasies using non-shamebased methods. For instance, instead of just talking down to my addict telling it to stop, I can offer a reason why. Or I can go through a series of questions.
Is the fantasy logical and realistic? If not, is this a constructive use of my time and energy?
Am I trying to alter my mood? If so, what about doing some other mood altering behavior that has a better outcome such as working out or a hobby?
Am I trying to escape reality?
If I play the tape, will the outcome lead to a happy ending?
I like hearing Dr. Trish Leigh. She offers advice on porn addiction and resisting urges. One of her sayings is
Control your brain or it will control you.
I take my fantasy life a lot more seriously now. And I constantly gauge it using a toxicity level meter that I created for myself. Because what I do isn’t as important as what’s going on in my brain. And the higher my toxicity level, the harder it is for me to avoid relapse.
I can get pretty high off a fantasy. Dopamine is still released in my brain, and once it wears off, I’m left in a state of deprivation. It mirrors what’s happening in my brain while using porn even if it’s in a lesser state.
I’m uncertain if alcoholics get the same experience. Can they get a rush from just thinking about it or looking at it? If some of the alcoholics here can share their experience, that would be helpful.
So I still want to cut out the fantasy and urges in my life. And some days are better than others because my recovery has not been linear. I just want to avoid the shame based methods of dealing with fantasy. The goal is that I want to get to the point where I don’t think about it or crave it.
Hope you feel better girl. I did almost send a search party out for yah 
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Thanks for posting. Day 484!! Wow. That’s so encouraging. I’m looking forward to being there in 479 days!!! Reading these posts is so encouraging and I applaud you for your strength and determination. I’m happy to hear you’re not as anxious about social interactions. Is the anxiety because others are drinking or is that a separate thing?(sorry I’m new here and not sure if you’ve shared that before)
Lol I’m still lurking and reading 
you guys are an irresistible bunch that are hard to stay away from 
1002
Coffee and breakfast and in a little bit of a hurry as I got a spinning class coming up in an hour. I’m OK. I’m sober and clean. Saw a friend yesterday, cooked a big pan of soup, made a small beginning with spring cleaning. It was a good Saturday.
Now for the Sunday. Have a good one all, or at least as good as you all can. Make it clean and sober to begin with or nothing will come of it. Love from my place.
Wow what a beautiful photo. I’m just heading to bed (it’s 11:30pm … Still Saturday here) , I’m looking forward to good sleep, a great Sunday and my 6th day sober thanks to all of you!!!
In 2006, as a member of SLAA, I was just celebrating 2 years of sobriety from porn and for the past year, I was embracing celibacy. I met my future wife that summer at church. But I didn’t have a proper reentry plan to break my retention. After a few weeks of pressure from her, I gave in to having sex with her. Looking back now, I wish I had held back. Because we didn’t create a close emotional bond yet. Instead, we created a counterfeit bond by having sex too soon. She became pregnant with our daughter, and we married shortly after. And I’m grateful for my family, but we had a lot of unnecessary problems that could have been prevented if we took more time building more intimacy before bringing sex into the equation. I’ve learned that sex without intimacy, trust, love, emotional connection, exclusivity, is not really sex. It’s porn. I’m not judging others decision on sex. It’s just that as an addict, I don’t have the ability to bend such values without experiencing serious reprecussions.
Good morning all, and really hope it is a good one. I have been feeling a little low recently, and have noticed a lot here are too. I wonder if we are all sensitive to the chaos and scary events in the world. In many ways I can’t place what is wrong, just an overwhelming feeling that all is not right.
I will stay sober though as drinking certainly won’t help the situation. I guess I am not used to sitting with my feelings and finding that unsettling.
In other news, I made a month! So there is definitely good happening too.
Congratulations on 1 month. Yes it’s hard when sad and scary things are happening around the world. You’re right though… Having a drink won’t do any good for anybody(especially you)
Alcohol always ends up making me feel more overwhelmed and unsettled (except maybe for a very brief time that passes all too quickly only to leave me with feelings of regret and anxiety)
I’m totally not used to sitting with my feelings either but it was another post recently that said it’s kind of like sitting with a craving you’ve just got to ride the wave and it will pass. 
Of course there’s other things you can do as well to help make yourself feel better, talk to someone or post just like you’re doing.
I wish you a peaceful day. Maybe you should go out and buy yourself a little something special to celebrate your one month. I bought myself a super cute plant today and it’s amazing how much joy and brought me.
Thanks so much for your reply. You are so right about riding the wave.
What a lovely idea to celebrate the month. I will have a good think. Love the idea of a plant, something to nurture and watch grow 🪴
Thank you for your kind words! Luckily noone drinks around me at the moment. Some situations will be triggering next week, but otherwise it’s ok. It’s rather a general stuff. My anxiety comes from a lot of places, I used to have social phobia, so every interaction is stressful to a degree. But I learnt some good coping mechanisms and my life has changed in a way that helps to maintain it on a manageable level.
Well if you feel a trigger feel free to message me 
super glad that you’ve come so far. It takes a lot of work but it’s definitely worth it:+1:
Today was a really great day, but I’m beginning to recognize, within myself, that it’s easy for my joy and wellbeing to plummet when the people I’m with aren’t happy.
This is one of those things where, as a sober person, I know what the right answer is. I know how to get an “A” on this test…but somethings missing inside me.
There’s this odd shaped hole in my chest and I have no idea what will fill it. I don’t need to drink or use over it anymore, thankfully. But it’s irksome, ya know.
I think it had to do with feeling separated or disconnected from the ones I care about. There’s nothing quite like feeling lonely when you’re not alone. Alien. I feel alien in my own home. That’s a strange idea, a strange thing to observe in real time.
Fortunately, feelings are not facts. I don’t really have to give this experience any authority over my decisions or actions. In all likelihood I’ll feel better in the morning, so long as I can find the serenity to fall asleep.
That’s my share : Today was a fantastic day and I feel terrible about it. Hahaha. Silly Human.
Hey, congrats on reaching a month, that is something to be proud of 
Day 166 checking in 