Hello guys. Day 41
I did not thought that I would be able to checkin today. I came so close to a relapse and it was very intense. I am still having a headache from that.
@KevinesKay and @SelfLove_42 Hey guys, thanks for the amazing advice you gave me. These mind shift and self talk is actually very important. Today, if not for the self talk, I would have relapsed.
Its the fantasy that starts up pumping the dopamine and what usually leads us to watch p*rn. And today a fantasy was playing over and over in my mind. I was on the brink of relapse.
I started reading the book ‘wack’ but never finished it. My mind was trying to convince me to watch 1 last time as it always says and then we will finish that book as we will discover the perfect plan to stop PMO. But thats the trap.
So, just before I was going to relapse, I question that rationalization and actually fast track to the solution mentionned in the book. Most of the things I read are things I mostly already know. It made me realized that I do have the necessary tools to stop that and not to believe the lies my brain tells me.
I just need to accept my feelings and emotions and stop trying to change the current experience, no matter how hard it maybe. Have some good habits in place and have a good self talk ritual.
I will give it my best to follow the plan and try to implement some advice you guys gave me. I will also finish that book.
I want to try to go a month because i want to prove i actually can. I am not telling the people in my daily life because thats too much pressure, just my sister. I love her but i am afraid of exhausting her.
Ate pasta and drank coffee and gave money to someone who needs it rather than buy alcohol. I dont know what my life would look like if i was fully, habitually sober. Im scared of having to navigate rage and grief without something to numb it so I can sleep.
But I am not a person i would want to be close friends with right now, or friends at all. Im functioning and holding a job and not having withdrawls or anything, but im on a slippery slope that will ruin my life beyond imagination if i let it. Have to let myself remember the stakes
Checking in Day20
Feeling grateful to be home right now. For some odd reason I was picking up a lot of vibes while out. There was alot going on… WAY more than usual. I dont normally pick up vibes around me. My guess was that my morning meditation had something to do with it. But there was so much going on. As I was about to get on the train, this man jumps out and starts screaming bloody murder and then jumps back on the train, alot of hurting and addicted people out today, and women dressed very promiscuously (I guess is the word). Pretty triggering to be honest, just with everything that I was seeing. Not in a using triggering kind of way, but more of a triggering past memories type of thing. Anyway, I’m home now and eating lunch. Did a few things and going to tidy up now for Monday. Will really do what I can to get some exercise in tmrw mrng. The physical aspect of my life needs to increase abit. Trying to keep things balanced and the physical part is lacking. Hoping everyone is doing well!
appreciate it! 
