Checking in Day 43. For the last couple of days I’ve had this ambivalence. It’s hard to explain but I’m guessing or maybe hoping it’s normal. I keep thinking wow, I’m 6 weeks into this and doing so well, maybe I didn’t have that bad of a problem to begin with? In reality I understand that I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t a problem and just the fact that I have these thoughts proves I’m not as woke as I’m trying to convince myself that I am.
Has anyone else experienced this dichotomy? I don’t feel like I’m in imminent danger of a relapse but I don’t like what my mind is trying to convince me of.
Haha u made me laugh. Honestly, ya I could use a little break lol. My life seems to be so hectic (it always has been tho lol… whether that’s self created or not idk). I think that was part of the reason why I used drugs honestly bcuz I felt like I needed an escape from life. But using created ALOT more difficulties in many forms and added to the already stressful situations I was in. I often feel like a kettle… just boiling away until it boils too much and overflows. So bcuz I know I’m like this… I have learned to deal with my stress as it comes and slow down and just take it in stride
Early midday check in Day 2
Decided what the hell… let’s buy some tickets to an art exhibit that I’ve been really wanting to go to with my hubby. March 5th we will be going to the Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel Exhibit! I have always been a fan of his work. My hubby has seen this art in real life thru his travels… but I haven’t. So this is exciting for me I have actually been able to handle having money in my account (whereas before I needed to be broke immediately after getting money in order to not use). This is HUGE progress! And I’m excited to go to this exhibit and expand my art knowledge and just enjoy going out and doing something with hubby! Not using, not drinking. Just enjoying life and experiencing life. The tickets were slightly expensive… but I feel like this is worth it!
Every relationship goes through ebbs and flows. There are times when it’s just easy and flows smooth without much effort. Then there are times when we’re rubbing each other the wrong way and it’s just plain hard work. That doesn’t mean the relationship is failing or will fail. It’s just an ebb. Ebbs and flows are natural and normal.
I agree! Like I’m not one to just throw in the towel immediately. Obviously if certain things were to happen, then it’s a no go (abuse being one of them). But we both aren’t perfect. We both have a past and rough history. And we both havedifferent ways of expressing love. And ya even after 7 years we are still learning about each other. I like ur post
Thank you, honestly my mom deserves the medal, she’s a amazing woman, we definitely have are moments she wasn’t attacking me yesterday just hates seeing me suffer. Are house is split that’s why I live here I live in the front she lives in the back and we share the kitchen but still lots of room for bickering and my community is so small there is literally absolutely no apartments available. I did get some more really positive feed back on my tattoo and some more messages for appointments. But I’ll tell yah the amount of hate and jealousy I am relieving from others is something beyond belief. I got a message from a girl who is well in her 50s I know her son he use to be my best friend, and she said I heard your doing tattoos now, I said yes it’s something I’m working towards. She responded with lol well my friend just bought me a tattoo machine and I’m doing it now too lol. I’ve actually have a back ground in art so this should be easy good luck she said to me… I just said nice with a smile face. Ppl are seriously fucked in this town, thank god for my girls and sobriety
U do make a good point tho! And I do hear what ur saying. I think I need that realization too at times. When I think back to the days where I was REALLY struggling (like my prostitution and iv drug use days), I would have done ANYTHING to have the problems I have today. But at the same time, no matter what we are struggling with today, they are still as important I feel. Yes they may not be as dramatic or as serious as some of our problems were in the past… but if our current problems still effect us, I feel like it’s important that we dont minimize them and say, “well i guess i shouldn’t complain about this cuz in reality its not a big deal”. Thay may be true to an extent. But they are just as valid and just as important to look at if they effect our mental, physical, or emotional health
I notice in recovery I go thru phases where I go on polite (lol) verbal rampages with companies and people who do injustices or don’t follow thru with what they claim to be about lol in this case Starbucks not giving the proper reward points to u. Idk why. If this way me I’d be at them too! In reality it may not be a big deal (in the grand scheme of things) but it is STILL supposed to be given cuz they were earned. Or when i order something and it doesnt come the way i want it to, ill bitch. I think its ok to stand up for urself and get what u pay for etc. But at what cost? Like if its effecting my emptionak and mental health by doing so, is it worth it to complain? For some situationa it is. But for other things i just have to pick my battles lol I do alot of advocating for people (close to me and not). And I’m always at people in a very firm and polite way to get what it supposed to be given in the 1st place.
Last night was horrible. Today started off really depressing and hard. It is slightly getting better as time goes on. Sometimes picking yourself back up is so exhausting and tiring. Sometimes, you just don’t even want to do it. But you’re not a piece of shit/not worth it, like your head says you are. You’re worth a crap. Everyone of you is worth a single shred of care. I care about everyone here so why can’t I be cared about too?
46 days no weighing myself and starting over with the purging.
Awe hugs! Ur JUST as important and deserving of a good life as all of us here. I find it easier to love and care for others then to do so for myself. I remember someone asking me many years ago:
“Would you talk to your friends the same way that you talk to yourself on a daily basis?”
Of course I said “No! I’d never talk to my friends that way!”
She said “I think u need to start being your own best friend then”
I remember that moment from like 10+ years ago. It’s easier said than done mind u. But u DO matter. Gratitude lists are huge!! And just being gentle with urself ur doing the right things! Proud of u for being here! You are worth fighting for in ur recovery and happiness
I think you are cared. I know where you come from. I lived in this cycle for years and years, on and off. It is so hard to battle this. But you can do this. We have to work on caring for ourselves first and foremost. And when we fail, when we are struggling, well I come here to get my thoughts and feelings out. Here I found people who care bc they know where I come from. I have friends outside this platform but it’s tough to get them understand.
You are not alone. Don’t give up! It is really worth it!
Day 125 I tell yah the amount of times I’m thinking about drinking and drugs is draining. But that’s just it they are thoughts, grateful I’m not acting on them tho
Interactions like this always put a smile on my face. I can’t imagine being a person who sits all day with so much ugliness boiling up inside them. These type of glimpses into other lives makes me so grateful for the genuine love I feel for others.
I am grateful for your girls and your clean time too Mike.
Edited to add: Mike I was with you… took the good part of 5 months for those allllll day obsessive thoughts to be lifted. They will be though, one day. POOF! MAGIC. 🪄
You are absolutely 100% worth caring!!! People might fail at showing that but it doesn’t take away your value at all! Even if you fail at caring for yourself it doesn’t lessen your worth. You are a sweet girl and beautiful soul. I know getting up is frustrating but it’s gonna hurt more in the long run to stay face planted.
Those good times come and go for me, even at 6 months sober. When the highs come, I am sure to enjoy them without getting arrogant or complacent in my recovery. When the blues get me down, I remember that they won’t last forever, and I use this community, meditation, my books and other tools, to keep on keeping on. I literally had those thoughts early on that maybe I didn’t really have a problem. But I did and that was just my brain wanting to take the easy and comfortable way out. I always try to keep in mind that I am not my thoughts. Hang in there, because you’re doing great.
People might fail at showing that but it doesn’t take away your value at all! Even if you fail at caring for yourself it doesn’t lessen your worth. You are a sweet girl and beautiful soul. I know getting up is frustrating but it’s gonna hurt more in the long run to stay face planted.
