I really only wish u the best. It really concerns me what’s happening to u physically and angers me that for you and others, medical stuff sometimes gets brushed aside or dismissed. This happens to my mom alot with her mental health. It’s deifnitly OK to get another opinion. Honestly this sounds sooo concerning.
Proud of u for ur key chains! Such an accomplishment. U have so many valuable things to share and have been thru so much! It’s beautiful how ur share impacted another person so much! I was told that when u share (and it’s not rehearsed or planned), it’s coming from the heart. That’s often why we can’t remember it. Those are always impacted shares 
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Awesome! Looks great 
did it hurt?
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Evening check in
Day12
Well my apology never happened to my coworker. She stayed far away from me as possible. The very brief moment I saw her in the morning she didn’t stick around long enough for me to get to it. I was pleasant to her anyway with what I did say. Not sure what to do about this as I don’t see her often at all.
Chatting with my mom tonight is breaking my heart honestly. One of the reasons I left home when I did was bcuz of the dysfunction at home. I mean it’s nothing super serious compared to some who have gone thru alot of trauma growing up but mentally it gets to me bad. Like I cant handle being around them for long. My mom by herself… yes. But everyone together… no. Basically an unemotional, distant father, a mother who is not well mentally at all (has struggled for years with severe depression amongst many other issues… but she truly is the most selfless giving person I have ever met… love her to pieces), and a brother who is sooo controlling and has been for years. He doesn’t even live there anymore and he still controls what they eat, how they take care of the house, manages their finances, gets at the them for exercising, etc etc. My poor parents are retired… like let them enjoy their time off! Ya… idk. I try to help and support my mom (like I have since I was young) so that she can get this stuff out cuz she really has no one to talk to. I absolutely feel guilty for moving thousands of miles away from my home province and leaving her there. I thot i had dealt with that guilt, but i guess not 
Anyway, I am off to eat icecream and relax. Have work tmrw again. Gonna do some self-care and get a good rest. So thankful for u all and for my recovery and for my HP.
Hugs!
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Hi, everyone… Checking in on day 6… I was afraid to leave comments on the first couple days… But you all are so lovely & kind to one another… I am glad to be a part of a community that supports each other immensely! 
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Thank you congrats on your 149 days you ROCK! Seriously it’s not easy a day at a time.
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I’ll try some sound baths tonight those used to help me
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Thank you that welcome back feels like a hug i need.
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Day 103 check in.
Got a penicillin shot in my buttocks due to my strep throat today. 
Had an interview with a Ministry Home for women coming out of homelessness and addiction yesterday. I thought FOR SURE I’d want that position and yet, even after tearing up during the interview, I’m sensing from Source that this isn’t whats best use of me and for my greater good and that of others out here. I won’t know for a few weeks.
Three days last week, I was able to give time and intentional energy to help some people; love on them and get them connected to local resources, clothes, food , mental health needs, etc.
Between my old rehab/recovery group, my probation officer, my therapist (well… Forced therapist due to Probation requirements) and some friends and family members , I’ve had A LOT of people sharing their opinions of me, about me and I never asked em!
It’s been a wonderful learning tool to listen to others opinions or projected failures upon me and my ability (newly aquired and often I surprise my damn self) to not be angry or upset about their crap, their opinions and their fears on me. It’s not my business what these people think of me. Where a single facial expression of mine sparked some stupidity in them and all of a sudden I am hurting or relapsing or looking sad. (
)
Or where I decide to spend more of my time in a day on serving others and then at the end of day I hit a meeting. Apparently I’ve “always” shown up dressed clean and with make-up, and that particular day I showed up with jeans, sweatshirt, zero makeup and hair in a pony tail and probably looking tired. This sparked a few to ask if I’d relapsed and asked if I was doing alright because I didn’t look it.
I swear… The audacity of some people never cease to amaze me.
These days … I’m not moved. I’m not angry. I’m not needing to prove myself, perform for anyone or explain myself.
Not everyone is my friend. And I get to choose where to exhaust my energy.
And it’s difficult to find true authentic mfrs out here on a daily. Those that vibe on a frequency that go well with mine.
I’m thankful that I’m learning to take life as it comes.
Quote for the day…
“BE WHO YOU NEEDED WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER”
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It’s been a week or two again since last posting, but I’ve been reading on this app almost every day! It’s strange, often I’d write a post or reply (including to u @Butterflymoonwoman(!)) but hesitated to send and just deleted them again instead of delving into the depths which are really on my mind… I don’t know why, just that although I’ve theoretically been making lots of progress lately, I haven’t been in the best headspace. I don’t want to let myself be too reliant on external factors like work, other people or chance occurrences to make me feel better, distract me or snap me into reality like I have before, as I know how fluid they are and need myself to be firm so I can better weather the other 50% of the time when those factors aren’t there! I feel quite indecisive and brain-foggy…
Anyways, a little update on my life these days, I successfully lodged my hunting license the day before it would’ve expired 
, I’m working night shift (5pm-11pm) at a gas station for some weeks now, and kind of like it. I have time to enjoy the day that way, get a good dose of exposure to engaging with people, and have a steady occupation. I got the uni study place for psychology(!) also the day before it would’ve expired , which will be starting in July, and fits really well with the work times and my interests! I’ve also been engaging with my housemates almost every day, even hosting fries and australian crocodile sausages (both my first tries 
) on one of their last days yesterday. I’ll probably be moving someplace better soon too to be fair, just waiting for the right place to spring up 
My sleeping times have been mediocre to say the least, sometimes I achieved the ‘around midnight’ goal with commitment, other times 1-2ish hours later, but at least was always able to check myself and not stay up all night or lose myself. The one or two times I didn’t and stayed beyond 4-6am I felt rough and with my burnt-out brain went through all sorts of cravings, subconscious negativity swings and subsequent self-doubts. I can really still feel my vulnerability there. Hygiene, tidiness, diet etc have been the same, generally ontop but only slow progress. I still have a lot of work to do on myself. On my list at the moment for the next steps is: a) being stricter on my habitual routines!! and b) joining clubs of interest! My psychologist called me last friday to apologise for the delays and ask how I was, so thankfully got another appointment next friday - not sure what I’ll say or feel like yet though…
Anyways, I’ll be posting more so bear with me as I find the time and pull myself together to get back on track as I honestly feel I’m missing something atm…
I’m slowly learning to open myself up after such a long time of detachment from reality through distraction. Most of my childhood and youth was abnormal to be fair, so I need a little time to learn my new boundaries now that I can. Impatience is a big one. For that reason, I’m sorry for not always being able to be there for others I actually care really much about here and elsewhere, I’m still on a jouney, and getting used to a lot of things like love, commitment and vulnerability exposure, and trying to work on extroversion instead of introversion etc - it’s not that they’re not there, just that they’re not always instinctive yet and still take mindfulness to wire into my new life path.
Anyways long post, but better out than in so I’m not just going to delete this one like in the past few days/weeks. Exposure is what really allows something to grow bit by bit…!
Sending you a warm hug fellow brother or sister reading this wherever you are, take a look around you, take a fresh breath, especially the next time you’re outside, remind yourself that nobody nor nothing is for granted nor as you perceive, and try to do something each day to make it count and yourself grow 
If thinking about something isn’t helping you - learn to rewire that thought! Life’s so short if we think about it, if we really want any form of answers or happiness before we go, we need to search inside and outside as far as we dare to be free
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Day 6…. I slept today walked my dog and I’ve been drinking too much coffee doesn’t anyone else know something else to drink besides the overload on coffee it’s kicking my butt! lol but i guess it’s keeping me up. Me and my mom had a talk today she doesn’t understand y I’m calling it liquid courage yet it’s crippling. Liquid courage for her doesn’t turn into a binge for me it does. I was explaining to her that it’s all the same except liquid courage for me turns into another one and another one days of courage and making the wrong decisions. Anywho I got dressed and took myself to a 7pm meeting only to find out the church is closed and it’s on only zoom (mind the app says its back open & i called the headquarters they said the meeting was open) FML!! I didn’t let that get in the way I was going to go home but I opened the meeting app and headed to a 8pm meeting in the city I figured i was already outside why not. I attended the meeting and I’m glad I did hold myself accountable i don’t want this stop i need to make a meeting a day, I have too. After the meeting I headed home freezing my fingers off but I was happy that I did it, now I’m home under the covers exhausted yet sober and that’s what counts:heart:
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Plan for the rest of today 
:
Take a cold shower, cook me something nice and healthy, go for a motorbike ride I haven’t done in a while - maybe to the coast, make sure I have everything together for tomorrow to sort out things which matter(!), make sure I don’t eat nor sleep too late later, and stretch and meditate (maybe even for an hour again this time) before sleeping… Staying mindful of my posture and thoughts are also a priority of mine… 
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- Coffee. Sunday workday. I’m not going to nag about lack of sleep or hating my job. I’m alive. I’m sober and clean. I have a home, a cat, friends, work, food on my plate, heating and internet. I’m in recovery one day at a time. I live in a land in peace like we all should be able to. Have as good a day as you all can friends. Make it clean and sober because that’s the first condition for a happier better live for all of us. Love.
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Hey thanks @Its_me_Stella and @Hazy . I will definitely check those out and I know your probably right Stella, I wasn’t mad at autumn. I just felt bad and was angry with the medicine, this is twice now we have brought her back to the doctors only for them to just up the meds she is now at 30 mgs of quilenchew I believe it’s called, she won’t take any meds that are hard capsule. I just feel like it’s with any drugs are minds keep getting more and more use to it and wanting and needing more to help us. But I will keep the faith, I just worth about my girl and want the best for her and I suck at handling my emotions, I feel like I’m no better then the shit I said I was put through as a kid. I do get frustrated easily and I also try to understand at the same time. And thanks @Hazy I will look into that medicine for myself honestly,idk thanks for the advice guys have a good night
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Mike, you’re a GREAT dad.
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Good for you for addressing it! It will be interesting to see how he responds to your direct approach. It is never nice to find out someone has been talking about you. Hopefully you can resolve it quickly! 
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12 am. In between days 68 and 69.
I’m having a really hard time and I don’t even know why. The last few weeks have been rough. Part of me wants to give up but I’m still hoping this will pass. I don’t know.
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Can you push for an in person appointment with your GP? Over the phone doesn’t feel like its enough here. Glad your Dad is on hand to chat to. That all sounds so worrying and then to have to work out the best way to advocate for your health on top of that… Hope you can get through and be heard before too long.
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I am in a similar place with cigarettes/ nicotine at the moment.
Logically, I know my brain and the dopamine receptors or whatever are just attaching themselves to the idea that smoking will fix this discomfort. I know that is bullshit. I am not feeling bad because I’m not smoking. So there is no reason that smoking will make me feel better. It will just be a distraction and a delay. All giving into it will do is start a new cycle of addiction, increase my risk of health complications and decrease my bank balance.
Feeling off is normal. Sometimes there is a reason for it. If I let the feelings happen, learn how to interpret them etc then the reason might become clear and I might be able to do something about it. Or it could be something I’m not aware of out of alignment that will fix itself. Either way, it will pass.
I am not overly knowledgeable about all this stuff but I believe these dopamine reactions are really ancient human survival strategies, from a time when our bodies were more connected to the natural world. Knowing all this does not stop that part of my lizard brain wanting its tasty little dopamine treats though. Greedy bastard 
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Yes, that is the plan. Hope they can fix it and if it doesn’t feel good I get a part of the tattoo removed by laser. But I do hope the have a creative plan to make me happy. I can’t look at the tattoo without my stomache hurt. It feels weird to look after my new tattoo to heal but I do not want it to heal at the same time 
Thank you for your reply, much appreciated
11 nights to go…
PS and if you put my problem beside the war in the Ukraine this is peanuts, I know.
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I’m sorry you are hitting a bump.
When I feel my confidence faltering, I turn to HALT and quite often I can remedy and feel better.
Sending you big hugs and please keep reaching out on the forum. Sometimes we just need to vent and get things out of our system.
Feel better soon.
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