Congratulations! 
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Congratulations on your 9 months Drew.
Much respect
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Today will be victorious.
Today I will stand with my strength, my insecurities, my brokeness and my courageā¦ Because it is ALL me and Im owning my stuff these days.
I have blind spots and I thank God for the women and men in my life that are trustworthy and more wise, more knowledgeable with experience of walking this life out with integrity, self-minimizing and personal internal growth.
Today I will do more listening than speaking.
I hope to take courage with the one speaking I plan to do with a roommate who is showing some pre-lapse and shared some concerning info with me. Pray for us both and that my words would be gentle, honest and without judgement.
Today I will listen to the sounds around me, the birds, the snow melting, the cars driving, the wind blowing through the leaves. Today I will listen for Creators voice and guidance.
Today and just for today I will breath in fresh newness of life, hope, love and courage. Today , just for today, I will do my best to love and cherish myself, without borders.
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Great job protecting your recovery Kat and saying no to overtime. Great job saying no! I donāt know why saying no was always so difficult for me. Have a great weekend.
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I love your willingness to openly speak of religion wronging you.
I, too, have had some TERRIBLE examples of Christianity and Iāve had religious folks shame me, out me and judge me.
I would agree with you, sweetheart, that there is a difference between spirituality and religion.
Ive kind-of felt like Religion is man-made and has itās lists of doās and donāts. All for fellow man to be able to show off their accomplishments, if you will. (I.e.- pride)
Spirituality (or having a personal relationship, as I like to say) is understanding what is. Coming to grow in the truth and ideas that we are celestial beings wrapped in meat jacket. (Lol) Anything is possible and The Universe/Source/Creator/Higher Power intentionally made us, loves us, speaks to us and guides us through various forms. Spirituality also gains us the power to recycle our energies and abilities to manifest a great many things.
I encourage you to find out about AA and the Big Book for yourself. Some may have their own opinions on the matter and yet you can form your own and have an entirely different experience. Itās a spiritual program not a religious one. Thatās written throughout many of their texts.
Wishing you well in this journey we take together.
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Your not out of place asking, but I do not want to share it sorry. Itās not badly tattooed in the technique way. But the artist probably misunderstood my idea ore forgot it. I combined 2 pictures to form 1 tattoo. The artist used only the first picture. So 75% is what I like 25% is not. I canāt even look at it. For the 75% he used a sheat and the 25% is a mixture of picture 1 and maybe his own interpretation? I do not know.
I havenāt spoke to him since.
The tattoo are 2 peacock feathers, the feathers are fine but the āeyeā in it are ugly in both 
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Day 172
Today, I awoke, well rested, eyes yearning, heart smiling, my soul light on its feet.
Satisfied with being alive, with being sober, with being where I am despite not being happy at where Iād want to be.
There was a long period of time that I thought sobriety was impossible, accepted that Iād be a functioning addict and would die a way similar to my father.
Accepted that Iād leave my daughter and my partner and our family behind because even if I did want to stop, I just couldnāt.
Itās been almost half a year since and I dont recognize that person at all, the person that was myself. I want to hate that person from how much they destroyed my life, from how much they made me inflict, how much bullshit they allowed to fly, from how much they made me lose.
But i forgive them, I forgive the old me.
I forgive my partner too.
They didnāt know half of what they were doing.
They were stressed and depressed and frightened and overwhelmed and hiding their alcoholism while practicing/preaching sobriety 90% of the time. (If it didnt come to a binge, which it most certainly always did)
Regardless, I own up to all of my mistakes and shortcomings.
Fuck addiction.
I focused my sobriety on my partnerās instead of mine.
Everything I did was for my partner and never myself.
Itās like I didnāt even exist.
All the things I did, all the things I didnāt do, all the things I let slide, all the things I allowed to happen to me.
It feels like a lifetime agoā¦
My first month sober from alcohol felt non existent.
A walking manic disaster. Imprisoned, confined to a room to prevent relapse, literally launching tears from their eyes when theyād speak. Laughing and crying with every sentence I spoke.
Today marks the half year mark since I was last welcomed into our home, the last time I said bye while gazing into your eyes full of love and sadness that Iād be leaving for a few weeks.(because we were never apart)
The last time I would ever physically feel that you were mine.
Today, I awoke content, somewhat happy even.
Happy with you, Happy without you.
Or should I say happy, without you.
Sad that I am this best version of me, and this best version of me is without you in my life.
Sad with you, sad without you.
I survived suicide, I survived the poisoning, I survived your relentless onslaught, I survived being left to my own devices.
I am not that same old person, that person who died.
I survived dying and having to build myself up again from the ashes in the dirt.
Scarred and damaged, not bleeding and broken.
I am still right here.
I still have my ring on my finger, our pictures on my walls.
Today, I am happy, without you.
Yesterday, I decided to breathe.
Today, I did the same, I decided to breathe.
Tomorrow will be no different. .
I am the best me ever.
I am still right here.
I hope you are okay, i hope you are sober.
I am okay, I am sober.
I miss you, I miss us.
I donāt miss drinking, I donāt miss my suicidal ideations.
I donāt miss feeling like I was not enough.
I donāt miss the pain, the perpetual terror.
Someday, Iāll have to let go.
And that doesnāt mean that I wont love you anymore.
Itāll eventually just be something I cannot hold onto anymore.
Today, is not that day.
For the first time in my life, I can say that I am okay.
And god, that feels so fucking thrilling.
End rant.
Thank you for reading.
I am grateful for this community.
I hope you all have a fantastic day.
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I second @Chiron ās suggestion of potassium and sodium. Not sure if itās something available in your area @Mno, but the Nuun brand electrolyte tabs are really great and I find extra helpful for during and after long rides. Iāll usually do one of their Sport ones in my water while biking and then they have a Rest line with a lemon chamomile flavor I put in hot water at night like a tea and it has magnesium, sodium, potassium, and tart cherry that has worked miracles for my leg cramps and rls when sleeping.
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I understand and apologize. I really hope you get it worked out much love
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I am in the same place. I am an ex christian and have had 2 bad experiences with people in AA that give me apprehension.
Its why ive been on this app and honestly this app has kept me sober for 5 whole days with my addict mind kicking and screaming the whole time.
I could be open to a meeting if the right one came along! Definitely benefits to structured, available meetings.
5 whole days sober and this evening will mark the 6th. Thank you everyone on this app for the support. Replying to others struggling has helped keep myself in a more rational mindset toward myself, and I love that there is so much to read. So much gratitude from me to you all today.
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Day 590
I have to keep going back and checking that number. It does not seem real.
Feeling very withdrawn and overwhelmed by my own thoughts lately. After my last check in I was so grateful for those of you that responded and I just felt silly trying to find words to thank yāall and express my appreciation for everyone here or to interact further. I love yāall so much and I hate how hard it is for me to try to open up and regularly be part of it.
Iāve been really needing to work on self love stuff lately. I have constantly felt worthless, the thoughts in my head not worth sharing, and like Iām just barely going through the motions of life. Recently found a new online therapist in my state that specializes in the areas that feel important to my recovery right now and Iām filling out info today to try to get an appointment with her. Really need to find someone that is a good fit and start making better forward progress. So tired of bouncing between therapists.
Idk I am restless. It feels like Iām on the edge of big changes - endings and beginnings and trying to figure out whatās next. Like thereās a build up of energy, a buzzing under my skin. Maybe itās the start of the changing seasons or the moon 
trying to just sit with this feeling without acting on it yet and see what comes of it.
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Pup is home and still a little wobbly which is not good for a Dane. So we are trying to get her to rest but she wants to eat and play! Great surgery and staff and very thankful.
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& @Miranda I come form a family of communists and socialists which were sometimes referred to as constituting āthe red churchā over here. I lost that faith too and in that respect I totally get where you are coming from.
Lots to say about peer to peer meetings, AA or non-AA. For me personally there is too much god in AA. In all aspects. Now there is a lot of nuance in that I know. I know those in AA here say itās a spiritual program and not a religious program. Me (as in Iām speaking 100% for myself here) canāt deal with the use of the word god in the literature. And the praying. Personally I donāt need or even want the concept of a higher power in my life. I know there are agnostics and atheists in AA that can deal with the way spirituality is approached there. Itās not for me though.
There are plenty of options. There is great difference in different AA meetings itself, with meetings ranging from zealous christian to totally agnostic. There is an agnostic AA organization. Or there are many actually, if you do a simple google search youāll see. There are other peer to peer programs, Buddhist ones, science based ones (like SMART).
There is also a host of meetings online for every taste and every denomination or non-denomination. Intherooms.com is a good starting point for that.
For me this place suffices as my peer to peer support platform. I found many friends here, plenty of knowledge and wisdom, plenty of support. This is my tribe, these are my fellows. But I totally get it people need other resources. We are all on our own road towards recovery. For example, I have been in group therapy for one and a half year now, trying to deal with my specific mental health problems. My recovery. My road. You do you. Wishing you all success ladies.
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Thanks so much for sharing and for all of the information. I really appreciate everything Iām learning here.
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Keep going .keep going .keep going. My addict screaming mind is finally quieting down. It scares me to say that because I know itās not gone forever but again Iām just trying to focus on today. If you need to reach out feel free to message me tooš
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@anon9289869 Iām sorry youāve been having such a difficult time and I hope this new therapist is helpful to you. I hope you remember that every time you are kind to someone, that you lend a listening ear, tell someone a joke so that they smile, pick a piece of trash up from the ground, or otherwise do something good, kind, and helpful, you have done something worthwhile.
And if you have done something worthwhile once, and thinking back on your life, seeing you have done more than one of these things, then donāt all those things put together mean that your life has been good and worthwhile? You canāt really quantify feelings, so that aside, what is the metric by which your life can be measured, weighed, or otherwise specified to be stamped āworth-whileā?
But then, when you look at that metric, how did that become your standard? Where did it come from? Did you come up with it? Or did someone else give you the ruler and tell you that by this standard you are to be kept?
My dear friend, perhaps you are on the precipice of learning that your worth can be measured however you wish. Others will see you how they will see youāworthwhile or not, but in the end it doesnāt matter since you donāt have control over how they see you, how they measure you, or how they put you into the puzzle that is their life because in your life youāre not a piece of the puzzle; you are the puzzle.
I know youāll figure out what kind of puzzle youāre creating and youāll see it for the beautiful work of art that it isānot something worthless; but priceless.
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Itās not a common brand here, but I see itās available. Bloody expensive though. Iāll do a little research and maybe find something just as good. But a bit cheaper maybe. Thanks for the advice Jess and @Chiron
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@anon9289869 also had a good point about Magnesium. Iām glad she mentioned it. There is a company called Angstrom Minerals ( www.angstrom-minerals.com ) that might be useful. I get my magnesium from them and itās just the liquid magnesium chloride. Best of luck.
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Aloha TS ohanaā¦Iām sitting on a beach with 3y 2m 10d and all I wanted to do on my birthday was go surfing but it aināt going to happen no more waves and thats where acceptance comes in to play. So no waves means moto therapy lol. For those reaching milestones and continuous days great job and for those coming back even better job the struggle is real and every day we make the the choice not to use is a win 
i hope everyone has a blessed day/night 
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It got so bad with my daughter that I said to her one day, how about we sing the words. āI hate your guts youāre the worst mom everā ā¦ somehow was more palpable to hear and ā¦ weād usually end up giggling thus diffusing the intensity of the situation. Hang in there Mike. It took me a year to have my daughter speak kindly to me. Sobriety was key. @anon53116147
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