Happy Birthday Kaeo! I just looked up what ohana means and what a beautiful word it is, and what a perfect way to describe what it is we have together there. Thanks so much for being here, my brother and friend, and enjoy your ride.
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Oh gosh.
I could hardly breathe reading your post. Iām sorry itās been so rough.
I applaud you for daring to write that all down in here. You are brave.
I understand being suicidal. Thatās why I find itās a big deal you still keep on going. Thatās not BS, self-pity nor failing. Youāre fighting a deadly illness and kicking itās ass.
Good decision to dump your sponsor! This person does not seem understand mental health issues. They were doing more harm than good. Please donāt think like youāve āfailedā at 12 steps. It just didnāt suit you. I hope you can find the right means and people who can help you in your recovery 
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How is everyone doing. Today is Day 114 and i can see how my brainwashing last year and a day like today would have caused me to fail last year. I immediately jumped on here to detail whatās happening to me. Itās been a day of little to no focus followed by bad news, a mistake that i missed on a job that will probably cost my company 7 to 10k. Itās not my mistake alone but itās something i missed and iām the first line of defense. After a day where my brain is crying out for Dopamine, i ended up on tiktok scrolling through(something i had not done). i immediately saw a fully clothed person started to dance suggestively and after around 3 seconds i turned off. Win the moment win the day. This combination of negative emotions coupled with my dopamine addiction trying to push me. No. Not only am i getting to 115 tomorrow. Iām getting to 365 in 250 days. Broās there are days where it seems you canāt do right and everything is going wrong. Your ālittle monsterā might try to push you to āfake comfortā to look at something that will cause me the worst shame/pain. I dont have time for this false narrative that i need ācomfortā cause iām having a bad day. Letās correct this: stuff happens. Smile and appreciate where you are. There will be days like this. But iām not trying to come out of this deeply saddened knowing that i failed. Nope. Iām getting all that out now. I dont have to turn to trash to get past negative emotions, smile and be thankful for this community and winning the moment.
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This was absolutely beautiful and moved me in deep places.
Thank you š„²
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Checking in
Day25
It has been such a beautiful and relaxing day. Really needed this. I donāt even feel like Iām trying to be calm and relaxedā¦ I just am. I decided to do my finger nails some cool animal print and my toe nails hot pink, did up some dishes and more laundry, vaccumed, and now I am working on the dreamcatcher gift for the dentist who is paying for the remainder of my hubbys dental work. Sweet woman she is!
Iām really feeling this one tho!! Dreamcatcher template made with design. 5" brass hoop, sinew, suede cord, and a quartz charm for the centre. Now the magic happens 
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This is powerful!!!
Thank you thank you thank you
My words fail me at timesā¦
Yessssss!!! I needed thisā¦ All of this.
Thank you 
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Checking in with an attitude of gratitudeā¦
Also Day 138 no ganjaā¦ Recieving the life my energy/frequencies are directed towards.
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Youāre very welcome, Iām glad you enjoyed it!
Thank you for your kind words and thank you for reading.
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Checking in 799.
I was going to wait til tomorrow when itās all fun and games and check in with 800. But Iām a bit stressed, so Iām going back to basics and checking in here. After all, you all got me where I am today.
Moving is fucking stressful. Moving sucks! Moving sober for the first time without my crutch is going to be an awesome new task. I know Iām up for it. I got time under my belt. I can do this. But I got this here pit or void in my stomach that counted on me bellying up to the bar to sooth it. Well thatās not gonna happen. No, itās not!! I told my wife how I felt. She forgets sometimes and she can just pour herself a glass of poison if she wants too. Iām not judging. Thatās her. Itās ok. But I told her this is different for me. And if I get stressed and angry be ready for the rapid fire apologies. I even had a small panic attack that kept me awake for a couple of hours in the middle of the night last night. About moving. All my deep breathing and meditation tools didnāt seem to help. I just couldnāt quiet my mind and get back to sleep for a couple of hours. But I lived through it. Sometimes thatās what we got to do.
After making a few phone calls today I will have my mover guy at the condo next week and probably get everything moved out really soon. Then get it on the market. Things always seem to happen very fast for me when I get to work on something. I have a habit of not fucking around. 
So, I got that going for me.
Iām not going to drink about that today though.
And Iām probably not going to drink about that tomorrow.
Thanks yāall for being here for me. Always. Just for today. Right!
ODAAT
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Congrats on 25 days Dana. Reading how calm and relaxed you are just helped me. Getting ready for my Pilates workout. Letās see the hot pink, relaxing on the sober leg selfie thread, if youāre willing.
Proud of you girl. Keep it up. I know youāre sooo worth it.
And, Iāve been admiring all the time youāve been putting in on here to protect your recovery. Great job. Keep it up.
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Checking in on 19ā¦ my cold is getting better but it really knocked me down I went to the doctor twice and the ED. I thought it was possibly COVID i tested negative twice and negative for strep and the flu they said it was just a cold and i would have to ride So today i feel a bit better. My new job has been going well I finished my second week of orientation today and Iām loving the morning schedule and getting home early ā¦ my body is finally adjusting to the 5am wake ups 
. I hope everyone is staying well & safe Be blessed!
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Iām glad you shared. Moving is so stressful, but I know you can get through it. 800 days is a serious number and I canāt wait to see you check in tomorrow.(or later if you need to!)
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Thank you for the very kind words Eric. Really 
it means alot! I wish that peace and calmness stayed with me tho. I have some pretty intense urges to use right now. When u said that mindfulness or meditation just doesnāt seem to cut itā¦ thats me right now too. But sometimesā¦ all u can do is live thru itā¦ like u said.
Iām sorry things are so rough for u right now. Stress is a huge trigger for alot of us I thinkā¦ as it is for me too. Iāve really been trying to STOP and PAUSE. like sometimes I need to literally just sit and breathe and slow the f down. Sounds like ur super busy and I thot id mentioned that cuz it usually helps me when Iām super busy and overwhelmed. I really hope things go well for u ERIC if u keep feeling triggered, keep reaching out. Hugs!
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Well the girls went with theyāre mom at they weāre supposed to stay the night with her.They left at 5 and as soon as they left I started crying, I wanted to relapse I kept playing it over and over and I was just trying not to move. Then my phone rang, dadddyy can we come back and stay with you I canāt lie I just wanted to cry more but Iām not saying no to my girls. So they came back got milkshakes and watching a movie. I have to remember feelings are not facts and Iām obviously doing something right. I am glad they came back bc they definitely saved me from doing something stupid. So yeah much love
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Thank you so much for this. Today, cPTSD has been jumping up and down on my head, telling me I am stupid, dumb, failure, waste of flesh, and more. I will NOT give up my 71 days for the past. I am here with you. We WILL get through this shitty day, and many others. 
one minute at a time and iwndwyRIGHT NOW!
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Life can be so surprisingly wonderful at times. Iām really happy for you and for the girls.
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Checking in
Day25
Itās sooo ridiculous that I went from feeling so peaceful and calm and having a good day, to anxiety and being shaky, to wanting to use. The cravings were definitely more intense today. But Iām thinking coffee had something to do with it. Caffeine rarely effects me but when i think back, I did have alot of it. I make my own cold brew coffee that steeps for about 12 hours and I seemed to have drank 3/4 of the entire pitcher 
Having this anxiety and shakiness, seemed lead to increased stress and thoughts of using. I just tried to keep focusing on breathing and taking deep breaths. Reminded myself of how Id feel if I messed up (and at day 25 at that). Im feeling abit betterā¦ and i just finished eating something tasty. Something not processed either so thatās good. Will take it easy and relax and slow myself down. And enjoy the night!
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@Dazercat way to get through the stress and stay sober! You got this and are an inspiration for me.
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@Butterflymoonwoman scary that caffeine made you feel like usingā¦ way to get through the cravings!
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It really is strange how things can change so quickly. I woke up feeling sooo excited for my day and it did not turn out as planned. I ended up in tears and just feeling soooo emotional. Iām still feeling a bit offā¦ Almost bought a bottle of non alcoholic wine -but didnāt. I donāt even what to go there right now. Iām afraid it might lead to more at the moment. I just think itās better not too. My head hurts a little. Too much thinking today. Iām exhausted. @Butterflymoonwoman I totally get affected by caffeine too. I donāt know what the rules are on here about suggesting natural supplements but honestly L-theanine -if you take it with caffeine it really takes the jtters away. L theanine is a natural amino acid also found in green tea. Anyway, it works for me for anxiety especially if I have too much caffeine but Iām trying to cut down on coffee because I find Iām even more sensitive to it now. I hope you can find some peace tonight Dana. Iām going to try to have a bath. It will be my first bath in a while without a drink on the side of the tub. Maybe Iāll actually be able to focus on reading my novel instead of reading the same sentence three times over
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