Checking in daily to maintain focus #40

Life in Recovery
924

I’m having some of the same feelings Dana.

I haven’t been spending as much time on here either. Things are going pretty good but I’m still having daily cravings. They don’t last as long and they’re definitely easier to beat almost everytime because I am allowing myself to become more aware of my triggers and I’m doing it something about them right away instead of procrastinating. I think the reason I procrastinated before (even though I knew there were certain triggers causing me to want to drink) is because I wanted to ignore them. One of my main triggers is hunger ( and the other one is exhaustion… Feeling the need to do more and more and not allow myself to relax). I would purposefully ignore my hunger before though because I wanted to get drunk faster. Ohhh, saying that out loud sounds horrible! Anyway I’ve gotten off the subject here a little bit but I am also worried that if I get too comfortable in my recovery I might relapse. That’s why I’m trying the best I can to stay connected on here but I find mostly I want to read and reply to everyone else than to do my own daily check-ins which I think is just as important.
Anyway, @Butterflymoonwoman, you’re doing amazing and I know that you will continue along this path. You have learned so much along the way and you are so much stronger now. You were one of the first ones to welcome me here and reading your posts and your comments is so helpful in my recovery as well.
Thanks Dana♥️

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Thanks bro, appreciate the shoutout!

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Usually I check in during the morning but my youngest son had oral surgery early this morning. It all went well but he does not handle pain. It’s a good thing I’m sober because I had to drive 20 miles into town on snow covered roads. Had I still been drinking my anxiety would have taken over. We also received word from the behavioral center my middle son is at and insurance wants a discharge on Monday. The therapist is fighting it saying he’s not ready, and he’s showing signs of being schizophrenic as well. We had to fight with insurance just to get him there. I had to threaten them with an Act (for the life of me I can’t think of the name now). We should find out tomorrow if the treatment center or insurance won the fight.

I almost bought another horse but red flags started going up, so I researched and emailed some people in the town they’re supposedly in and turns out it is a scam so I’ve had fun today going back and forth with them asking for certain things, wanting a legal contract drawn up, their banking info, etc. I think they finally realized I was on to them. Had I been drunk I would have paid the money. Being sober I was able to have fun. Who does that? Especially after I tell them I’m looking for a bomb proof horse for my disabled children.

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Awe lady!!! Ur so special! Thanks for sharing what u did. I really appreciate that. It’s just nice to know that others feel the same way too. I mean I’m not happy that we worry or are fearful but it’s nice to have someone that can relate. I think many others on here can relate to that too. I have really begun to see how living is sooo much different than surviving. I’m so used to being so resourceful that I actually used to get like a rush from being that way. I could function well being under pressure to get money or food or anything we needed to survive. But then to now having money and not having to struggle makes me feel weird lol. I have gotten used to it abit. Like right now our fridge is quite bare cuz tmrw is payday. Seeing the fridge so bare scares me bcuz it reminds me of using and literally not having much to eat at all besides dollarstore finds or food hampers. It makes me nervous. But that should be a good reminder to not fall back into using again too. Anyway… I think I got off topic too lol jeeze… im proud of you too girl. Really I so am! And I’m always here for u n others here. U can always message me :slight_smile: but yes… let’s not stray far away from here. We need to stay on top of this :slight_smile:

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Not gonna lie…I’m struggling.

My bff is acting shady and I don’t do shady. Period. Truth is, he still uses on occasion and for some reason I’ve made allowance of that in my life.
I cut out all other folks who don’t have my best interest too and yet I’ve continued to make excuse and acception for him. And I am realizing that it’s only bringing me down and hurting my walk in life.

My ex won’t answer this week so no talking to my kids.

I’m supposed to move this weekend and need to find someone to assist with their vehicle.

I’m taking an art/recovery/creative course and I love it. Our homework for next week is a Rock Mandala. Either on a stick or a rock or sand mandala. The facilitator said “sand mandalas represent the impermanence of human life” and Buddists believe that NOTHING IS PERMAMENT.

My spirit grieved at this and I began weeping.

Because my faith tells me that there is ONE that is permanent and never changing yet life on earth and every created thing IS, in fact, NOT Permanent and this made me very very very sad.

I said, at the beginning of this year, it was going to be my year of ACCEPTANCE. And I’ve struggled most of my life with really wanting to be accepted, loved, included and surrounded by others who were proud of me and fueled my inner gifts and wanted good for me. I desire reciprocating relationships.

I’m continuing to learn (the hard way) that when I play with fire :fire: I’m gonna get burned. When I leave doors (even ever so slightly) open that ought to be concreted and steeled-in SHUT, I’m going to have repercussions and it’s going to deplete me.
If I continue to chase down or drag at my ankles people or things that don’t renew me then they’ll deplete me and It’s my choice for my life , Period.

Letting go is accepting. Acknowledging nothing and no one is permanent is key to my growth and wisdom. It is also a fact and my feelings behind it have been A HUGE HINDERANCE (and have been used to target me) in my life.

I MUST let go of people, places and things. I MUST take this next season with not a single person from my street/using days. I MUST heal from all the old painful and gut wrenching stuff.
I MUST ride public transportation again. Ugh :weary:
I MUST be dependant on NO ONE except the omnipotent and sovereign God.

So back to this Mandala homework…
The belief is that by entering the mandala and proceeding towards its center, you are guided through the cosmic process of transforming the universe from one of suffering into one of joy and happiness.

I feel better writing all this out.

Thanks TS family.

:purple_heart:

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When doors close, new ones open. You are going to be ok.
:dizzy::orange_heart::seedling:

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1014
Coffee. Early shift. I’m pretty good. Therapy was good yesterday. There’s only 5 sessions left. I’ll be happy to have Thursdays to myself again, but I’m slightly apprehensive about not having this safety net no more.
I’m not so exhausted anymore after a session. I think it has become easier for me now to access my feelings. It’s not such a struggle anymore to get beyond all the defences I build in over 50 years of not trying to feel.
It’s still scary to feel. There’s a lot of negative feelings and emotions inside of me too. It’s not all fun, not at all. Still, this way is so much better than not feeling at all, or not feeling anything besides a huge knot of anxiety and stress, the only thing I really felt for the last 20 years of my life.
Life is not easy and it never will be. But with becoming sober and clean at least I gave myself the chance to actually life my life. To at least have an idea of purpose, to have an idea of what it actually means to be alive. Forever grateful for that. And forever grateful to all of you right here. Without you this would never happen.
Have as good a day as you all can friends. Make it clean and sober or nothing will come of it. Love from Amsterdam.
:blue_heart: :yellow_heart:

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@Minatasha We all know how it works so nobody is laughing lady. Proud of you. Keep going. Good times and bad ones. Hugs.
@PaigeTurner You’re doing this. You’re making progress. Small steps. Your own way. In constant motion indeed, which is a solace to me. We’re not the same people we were, despite the baggage we all carry. We evolve and today we will act different form yesterday. We learn. We become new. One day at a time. I’m glad writing it out helped.

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@Its_me_Stella is right

And also another quote I saw a few years ago really had an impact on my choices in life…it said something like this

“Whenever you say yes to something, you’re saying no to something else” and “Whenever you say yes to others, make sure you’re not saying no to yourself”

It sounds like you know what you need to do for yourself. It’s hard letting go. But we need to let go in order to move forward♥️

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I know this too.

Although it surely doesn’t make the sting of steps towards and of closing those doors any less painful.

:pray:

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Day 178 checking in ready for another work day get to a meeting over the weekend not been to a meeting in around a week need to get back on track have a good day everyone :pray:t2:

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75th day

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awesome work :+1:

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Checking in Sober and Hang-Over Free.

Tonight I start my first night shift out of 4 shift. Since I woke up early this morning I will try to have some more sleep in the afternoon. I find it quit hard to sleep during the day, it reminds me of my drinking days, when I was sleeping in between my binge drinking sessions.
I am not gone worry anymore about it if I can sleep or not. If I cant sleep, I will be tired at work :man_shrugging: shit happens, no big deal. I have been tired my whole drinking life, so I can handle 4 days :muscle:
One think for sure… I am not gone drink myself to sleep.
Have a nice sober day my friends
:pray: :blue_heart:

@JennyH Congrats on your :four: :zero: days! Well done :muscle: :partying_face:

@SelfLove_42 :four: months thats amazing! Congratulations. Keep up the good work! :v: :star_struck:

@roses4me Congratulations on this milestone :five: :zero: Great numbers! :pray:

@anon86198612 Congratulations on your :six: :zero: days of sobriety! :muscle: :star_struck:

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App is being super wierd occasionally??..

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I think the TS- server is little busy. I have the some problem on my PC

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Hey all, checking in on day 642. I hope everybody has a good one!

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Hey Cam

Good to here you doing good and keeping strong. Just wanted to chime in…love the new Bel Air Show :grin:

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Happy Friday all. Spring is definitely in the air here in Canada. The sun and getting out in it definitely helps keep my mood boosted. Thankful🙏🏽

Two days from 4 months. Thankful. ODAAT.

Strong and Sober 24.
:purple_heart::pray:t4:

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@SelfLove_42 Congratulations!

@anon53116147 We all need a vent sometimes, no need to apologise.

@Kat261 Sounds like u are self-aware and ready to take action if needed, great stuff!

@anon86198612 Well done!

@CATMANCAM Well done for staying strong!

@Jmillwill It is so great to be present and perceptive for our children.

@PaigeTurner Sending strength :purple_heart:

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Day 584

My son’s graduation from elementary school today, and then lunch at an Italian family restaurant, and Buskin Robin’s ice-cream for dessert.

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