Hey there. Hope you are doing well.
I am very sorry to hear that you thinking that way.
There is people who loves you and sometimes it may hurt them knowing that you are not realising your worth.
YOU ARE WORTHY.
You should try meditation. If you are already doing it, do it more often. You will see that it will gradually give you control over how you think and change the narrative in your brain. Try it.
Have a good day and stay safe.
Thank you for this 
And congrats on your week!
Thank you for this profound share, reading that makes it easier to face my issues too.
Checking in.
So my GPA is good. Good enough to be in an international honor society. I also just received my acceptance letter for my doctorate program (so unbelievably excited:D ) I did all that ( plus a ridiculous amt more) without medicating my cPTSD nightmares, nor my adhd (which Iāve had since forever)
I literally only sleep like 4 or 5 hrs a night and am usually fairly jacked up.
Weirdly, and Iām laughing as I type this, I decided to try a BP drug that is Rxd for ptsd nightmares. OMG was that a mistake. My brain feels like itās slogging through some Nastyass molasses or idk, super thick oatmeal.
I got my first shitty (for me) grade on a test this a.m
Honestly, I would rather only sleep 4 hours with nightmares and kick ass in class and clinicals than feel like this. Granted I did sleep 8 hrs with no nightmares.
But ugh.
/ rant
Frustrated and highly pissed at the grade, but worth drinking? HA! iwndwyt!
Good to hear that 
I have no doubt you can face them anyway, youāre strong.
Day 17
28 days at new job. Itās truck tachograph discs l. I do have digital card, but since the truck is very old it runs with old version. Itās fun, I like it. I like that the lunch break is always on time and you have to do your driving time break. There are other jobs where they go against law and tries to trick the system. I hate when someones greed steels peoples breaks, and forces them to work and drive without breaks. I guess I am grateful I have a work where time does matter.
Smoked about half pack of cigarettes today. Was driving to base on almost emty fuel tank and that made me nervous a bit. We can only refil fuel at our station or mobile stations so I was risking. I will try to do my best tomorrow. Anyway, to get sober is my priority and its day 17!
Living my dream 
Hey, this is great! Where in Scotland are you going? We went in September, wild camping, in D and G, it was beautiful, so peaceful, i love Scotland so much. Well done on your days and your upcoming sober birthday plans. Iāve just had mine and thought Iād probably not be able to make it sober but it wasnāt hard at all, I was so proud. Probably the first sober birthday in decades!
Hope you have a great trip and a great birthday 
Checking In
Day42
Had a busy morning for a Monday. Have been up since 5am. Did a meditation first thing, then prayed, then my prayer group on zoom which was really nice. Went out shopping afterwards to use some gift cards. Got myself a meal and a Daily Devotional book. Also got a new photo ID card. Did some adulting right here lol Just have to wait until it comes in the mail. But at least it wont be expired or have an incorrect address lol Now home to tidy up and relax! Feels good! Was feeling super off earlier and irritable, even tho I did my usual routine. Oh well, nice thing is that I can start my day over at any time. Hope everyoneās day is going well
Thanks for sharing and thanks for your honesty. Not the same experiences here, but similarities nonetheless. Herkenbaar genoeg. Bedankt.
And no apologies needed either. Onward and upward. Hope youāll have a good time with your sis.
Oh wow, that sounds amazing! I adore camping but have never quite been brave enough to do the wild camping. I am fairly low maintenance, but do like showers. I do think it would be worth getting over that for the isolation wild camping brings.
We are off to Loch Lomond, taking a couple of days to drive there (stopping just outside Newcastle, and then Edinburgh). I am so excited!
Great to hear you managed a sober birthday. I am more confident now than I was a couple of days ago. I have managed family parties so should be fine.
Day 607
Over the weekend my step dads old dogās health took a turn. She turns 14 on Wednesday and hasnāt been doing great lately as it is. When my step dad first came into my life a little over 10 years ago he had two Springers. The older of the two had vestibular and then they put her down in I think it was 2015. Now the remaining of the two Sammi had an episode yesterday morning that they suspect is also vestibular. After another episode today my mum just texted me they brought her into the vet right now. Weāve known she doesnāt have much longer to live at this point, but it is so scary watching her go through this and seeing how disoriented and panicked she becomes.
Sounds lovely, a road trip 
A great way to spend your birthday, have fun š“ó §ó ¢ó ³ó £ó “ó æ
Itās beautiful!!! Congratulations 
Really Mike there is no need to apologize my friend. We are all on our own personal journeys together. We all go thru times that suck 
One of the things I like about you tho Mike is that you keep coming here. You feel ur emotions, you get them out, and you come back. Sometimes u apologizeā¦ but in my opinon there is no need to. Talking it out and checking in takes strength. To be real with where we are at and not āfakingā how we are doing. Idk about u but my past was filled with, āIām fineā. Feeling emotions for us addicts and alcoholics can be incredibly uncomfortable at times. Nevermind being honest with ourselves and others. Iām just happy that ur checking in and staying clean and sober
@Fargesia Thanks for sharing such a personal part of ur experience. There are indeed certain special pressures for men, and I canāt imagine how heavy they must be.
@C_8 We are all waiting, no pressure 
@anon53116147 I for one, and I am sure many others, are happy to read whatever whines you have
Thank you 
I do occasionally meditate before bed. I havenāt done it much lately. Thank you for support and advice Iāll give the mediation a shot
Tonight will be day 27 of no self harm
Iām doing ok today. I took my meds so my antidepressants are making me pretty drowsy, which is normal if I havenāt been taking my meds consistently. Took a nap and Iām spending the rest of the day just relaxing
Checking in - getting ready to go to my Monday meeting. I really donāt want to go, but out of a slippery slope if I donāt put in the work. Mondays SUCK, so Iām already anxious, stressed out and tired. I just want to sleep. However, I know being with community is key to my sobriety.
Iām going to meditate for 15 minutes and then hit the road to the meeting. Wishing everyone well!
