Wow John way to go! I am so happy for you, dont look back. #fuckfentanyl
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Day 608
Iâve been hanging around on here all day avoiding doing an actual check in. My emotions are flipping up and down quicker than I can keep track of. My work week started today and I have been contemplating calling out since last night. I didnât though. I messaged my work wife when I first got in and said âPhysically Iâm clocked in and here, mentally Iâm ready to have a mental breakdown and leave at any moment.â So Iâm taking it easy at work today and have been hanging here instead while trying to keep my head above water.
Thank you @Its_me_Stella for the love yesterday! 
Messages with my mum found out Sammi pup is now on 5 different meds after yesterdayâs vet visit. They have their guest room downstairs set up for her and she panics whenever my stepdad leaves her side so heâll be sleeping down there with her for awhile.
Thereâs also been a situation with a family friend who struggles with drinking and recently remarried an abusive alcoholic who is soon to be coming home out of 6 weeks in rehab after a dui. Talking to my mum about it makes me realize how much Iâve learned about addiction through myself and everyone here vs all of these notions my mother has about it. One of many things that came up in discussion was her talking about how they threw out all of the alcohol in the house and she looked so shocked when I asked how desperate heâs been in the past and if they need to do a sweep for mouthwash, cold medicine, that sort of stuff. She looked at me like it finally clicked for her in that moment that I really am myself an alcoholic. She could finally see the truth in it after so long of her yelling at me that âno youâre not an alcoholic.â She looks at me with so much hurt and pity now.
All of this has me in a dark place and a bit scatter brained but it honestly doesnât weigh too heavily on me in this moment. I am beyond grateful to be able to separate myself from it and find moments of peace and joy in my day.
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Day 14.5
I got the Vivitrol shot today!! Iâm so proud! 
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Checking in substance free for 821 days.
Itâs amazing how my higherpower gives me what I need exactly when I need it. If I am being honest I believe itâs always been that way, I was just too closed off to notice. The biggest challenge I am having today is keeping my meddling fingers out of my fucking life!!! It is sooooo hard to not control things when you want specific outcomes. Hourly I am having to remind myself to let go, to have faith, to trust the process. I keep asking myself if I have been let down yet⌠The answer to that is no, never. The only time I have ever been let down by life is when other people or myself have taken things into our own hands. I need to keep remembering that and stay socially distanced from myself. I also need to recognize when gifts are offered to me and stay willing and open minded enough to accept them. Yesterday an oldtimer called me (a male) whom I had not given my phone number to. I was surprised he called me and we had a little chat. He has recently lost his license because of medical issues and will need rides to meetings, " are you willing to give me rides?" My answer was âyes, of courseâ but in the back of my mind I was thinking " how the fuck did you get my number!" Him getting my number should not be the focus of this interaction, the fact that I am being gifted the company of this man, that I will get to spend time alone with a 72 year old man with 34 years of recovery is the weight of this. Those are the type of gifts I mean, I am a lucky girl.
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Big congrats on your 500 my friend. Proud of you 
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Sorry I missed your big 500 Charlie.
Congratulations!
Never to late celebrate another sober day.
Way To Go!!
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Thatâs gr8.Look at you checking in with all those 8_s C_8
Great job 
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Almost the end of day 24
I need to focus
I need to learn to tie knots
Just saw my friend and i always like spending time with them.
Well, i did something instead of nothing.
Set up insurance for my car after a 48 minute phone callâŚi had all the info+ papers even! Take that, adhd! Also did a lot of vegetating in my bed watching reactions to squid game on youtube.
One day at a time seems to be the only way. And yet I keep staring at the milestone bar, willing it to be 30 days already. Not helpful!
Yesterday I started a new novel called A Passage North, and its a good complement to the last novel I read called Leave the World Behind. I grew up dissociating into books but also being a person who reads a lot, and i miss that about myself. The reading, not the dissociating. I treat it as recovery from screen addiction. Like ginger tea as an antidote to late night coffee craving. I crave modern novels.
âDo the next right thingâ
Its the litter box!! Also speed cleaned the kitchen and used some of the spinach before it went bad. Trying!!
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It was day off from work today. Didnât do much but watched Pixar movies with the kids.
My head is still spinning. Confused about a lot shit.
I always blamed alcohol for some of my actions, but I am starting to do some of these things sober. Idk who am I sometimes.
Maybe the drunk me was the real me. Itâs kinda scary.
Ima keep going. Hopefully this will pass, whatever what is.
Yall have a good nite. Stay safe and take care!
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Thank you, sending strength and love to you as wellâ¤ď¸
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Day 28 of no self harm
Nothing of note today. Still really tired. Debating going to the library tomorrow to work on school. I definitely am going sometime this week since I started a new class that has homework due Sunday. I hope you all are doing well
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I donât know what things u are referring to, but your core personality will be the same. I will always be a cautious overthinker. But alcohol will exacerbate, warp, etc. Even if it is a personality trait you find undesirable, sobriety provides the energy and time to work on changing it if you wish.
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No, it wasnât.
But taking away the drink, doesnât take away old habits. Itâs the basic requirement for being able to slowly change those habits though.
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Thanks for replying.
Yes, very true. Gotta find a way to change. Itâs gonna take a lot of work, but I can do it.
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Congratulations!
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90 days!!! 
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Congrats !
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