First day at junior high school for my son, and he gets a stress headache. Poor thing, he really got my overthinking and overworrying tendancies. It is going to be a tough few weeks for him until he finds his feet. When students move up a grade in elementary school they mix all the students up, and my daughter is disappointed to not be in the same class as her best friend. She is very social so I am sure she will be ok. I am glad to be present and not a source of extra worry for my kids as they navigate their own lives.
What i want to do is crawl into bed early, take 2x melatonin, and stare at my screen for more hours.
What i should do is put some warmer clothes on, run the dishwasher, do some basic cleaning in my room, like 20 items, so i can start the long weekend with a clean room.
Tomorrow i want to be a busy, productive day. I will see some people i havent seen in a while. But my ass wants to sit! Beh.
Day 25
Tomorrow is my Board meeting. Hopefully it isnāt a shit show. Iāll make sure I take the lead. Still Iām weary. Work is exhausting.
Letās not talk about work! It is a major trigger.
Ok, Iām finally home and going to sit on the couch, eat some ice cream and watch some TV with my sweetheart. I did my Big Book reading and Scripture reading earlier today.
Iāll try to go to bed early and pray that I get a good night sleep.
So proud of everyone and letās keep on moving forward together!
Day 617
Having a hard time getting much done this week. I find myself frequently getting sidetracked and especially with the temp dropping outside today I end up giving in to crawl under a blanket and read all day. Trying to not be too hard on myself for it. Just taking care of myself and making sure I eat and drink water.
Gonna be heading up to the cabin again this weekend for more maple syrup cooking. Last report I got from my mum on Sammi pup with the vestibular situation said the meds have been working well. Sheās doing much better, walking on her own again, and just a bit of a lingering head tilt. Iām really looking forward to morning pup cuddles with that ole girl.
My grandpa is doing much better. He went home yesterday. Heās still pretty unsteady on his feet, but heās getting a walker soon. He still canāt pee so he was sent home with a catheter and he sees a urologist Monday.
Sorry for not updating when he went home yesterday. I had quite a bit of school work due Tuesday and Wednesday. Worked for about 3 hours Tuesday and then worked for 4 and a half hours (with only one 15 minute break) yesterday. Iām super sore from sitting and craning my neck. But Iām proud of myself. If this was high school work I never wouldāve bothered. But even with classes that I hate(like statistics) I am working towards something I want to do in life. I want to work somewhere in the field of criminal justice (Iād love pretty much any job in the field other than being police.) I want to help people but also do something Iām interested in and passionate about at the same time. I want people to feel safe again knowing that what happened canāt happen again. I guess I just want to provide people with what the system failed to provide me.
Sorry for rambling. Itās just really nice to feel motivated even the tiniest way. I never WANT to do my schoolwork but when I start it Iām never bored. Itās really the only part of my life I get to control right now.
Iāve had a lot of anxious energy about my grandpa but right now Iām just trying to be grateful for every day I have with him
Evening check in Day52
Noticing a pattern lately with my days. I always start out my day so well and then it starts getting blah, and I get stressed and frustrated and begun to feel like Iām borderline dehydrated. I donāt even know how much fluids I drink thruout the day. Not enough I think. I do drink alot of coffee tho (which actually dehydrated u).
Things frustrated me today. I had to stop my activity and literally focus on what my body needs cuz I had been ignoring my needs and starting to feel it. The day is ending on a better note tho. Did have 1 slight trigger when I went to an ATM to get money out for mg hubbys dentures. That thot popped into my head and it reminded me of using that damn machine over n over at all hours of the night. Ughā¦ disgusting.
I also have some anxiety surrounding my hubbys 48th bday on April 15. Not only will it be his first birthday celebrated clean and sober (mine too), it is also our 2 months clean and sober (im pretty sure the 15th is 60 days), and it also happens to be his payday (his 1st paycheque after his $2/hrs raise got in place and where he doesnt have to pay any bills besides smokes n groceries). So he will have a lot of money left aside. It is making me abit nervous. Iām scared of relapse but then I remind myself of my faith and to not give addiction that power over me. Just sort of doing some planning and activities to keep us busy and to really make his bday special clean and sober! Itās important for me to re-train my thinking. I find (with myself anyway), that if on April 15 I wake up and become overly focused on NOT using and feeling anxious and nervous etcā¦ in reality I am still thinking of drugs bcuz Iām focusing on not using drugs. This in itself, creates an urge to use bcuz my mind is focused on drugs and not using. If I go about that day as normal and do my normal routine, then enjoy the birthday with my hubby and build memories of a clean and sober bday, the day itself will be better. Iām not going to go into this with an anxious amd nervous attitude. Itās like any other day, just with more clean and sober fun! Talking it out here helped alot actually. Thanks TS fam!!!
Sometimes we do need to just sit. Sometimes we just need to start moving-action can create motivation. A lot of the time when I donāt want to do anything at all itās because Iām so overwhelmed with all there is to do. Thatās how I felt last night. I decided to set a timer for only 20 minutes and see how much I could get doneā¦ Focusing on one small task at a time.
I hope you do whatever it is that will make you feel happy, whether itās resting or getting things done.
Iām glad your grandpa is doing a bit better. Its so great to hear that you are focusing on being grateful for your time with him.
Great job with your school work!! Also sounding so positive about your opportunities in the future. Thanks for sharing
Checking in. 99days. Like, what, tomorrow will be 100days. I know the numbers not matter in a way, but still, to see them numbers grow do something with the feeling.
Letās talk about disappointment for a sec. My wife, whom ivw been having a rough patch with, went on a business trip to Miami this week. I made plans to go later in the week (today) and hang out over the weekend. We were going to drive up to Orlando and spend a day or two at Universal Studios.
We were going to do that, but my babysitter (my oldest daughter) backed out at the last minute and I had to cancel my flights.
I was pretty disappointed, my wife furious.
I said the serenity prayer a few times and realized that some times things just donāt work out. Itās ok to feel disappointed, but there is also a silver lining if you look. For the next few nights, I get to cuddle with my baby and watch carwash videos all night long! Now thatās one helluva silver lining!
1035
Coffee. Got a cold. Just tested myself negative again, so itās OK to go out and get my road bike from the shop where itās got itās annual service. I better cancel spinning class this afternoon. Take it easy. I will. Working tomorrow, a full 4 day workweek ahead before my 12 day holidays.
I remember how in the past with a cold or a flu Iād go on smoking and drinking, even when it disgusted me to do so. Without thinking really. Not even realizing it was addiction that had me doing it. And how people used to say (do they still?) alcohol will help against a cold. Yeah right. Never again.
Therapy was nice. In a way itās a pity that itās coming to an end now I finally feel comfortable being there, and feeling good with the therapists and the other members, instead of going there with a huge knot in my stomach and coming out of it totally drained of energy. But I guess thatās the point of it all.
The filling of each otherās toolboxes will have to wait for a week as two of the group members werenāt there. We did an evaluation instead, having to sit in three different chairs, going from the perspective of how we entered therapy, to where we are now and how we want to develop ourselves further in the future. Good stuff.
So letās enjoy my free Friday, cold and all. Will try to make the day as good as I can, just like I hope you all will. Letās make it sober and clean for starters, or nothing will come of it Iām sure. Love from Amsterdam and Idaho on this day 5 years ago. Beautiful ride through some wild weather, spuds and mountains. Love it.
Checking in on 11 months. This is officially the longest I have been continuously sober since i was 16 years old. Heading to the next major city over (1.5 hour drive so not awful) to take care of some business after i get the kiddos on the bus for school this morning. Got some statistics homework to do this afternoon and my daughterās softball practice this evening. Itās an incredible day to be above ground and sober.
