Damn, scary how fast my mood can spiral downhill and shocking how suddenly it can be over again.
Was supposed to meet a friend in the city today. We don’t meet often and sometimes I question whether there is a connection left or not.
But well, I had to cancel since my car didn’t start. Again…
Tuesday have to get the starter engine replaced.
So I decided to have a walk to the centre. Do some shoppings and enjoy the sun.
Started to realise that even though I actually dó have some friends nowadays, I still feel alone. Especially now that the warm sunny days are here, I am aware that I do miss someone at my side.
And I’m happy I’ve started to understand how those feelings work for me, but missing is still missing…
Guess the short way crossing the graveyard wasn’t the best choice. Apparently they are so entangled with past depressions they trigger easily to the point of suicidal thoughts and cravings, not only to alcohol but to substances I haven’t used since I was 28 as well…
Walked home, trying to pay mindfull attention to the feelings without stopping at the liquorstore. Even before I was back home those feelings were gone again, but I found it a pretty scary experience.
Guess it’s my wake up call that there is still a lot of unresolved shit from the past I need to process…
Still need my shoppings, so time to walk back, this time hopefully without moments like that…
Well as long as you’re still coming here you’re not all in on active addiction. You are relapsed but you are trying to help yourself still. Keep trying Mike, I’ll always be pulling for you. You had enough sober time to know sobriety doesn’t cure everything but it sure makes it more manageable.
I’m glad you made it home and the feelings passes. I too find myself washed over my memories and feelings that seem to come out of nowhere. I think it took a lot of strength pull yourself out of those feelings and move forward instead of becoming stuck. I hope today is a better day and good luck with your car.
Morning Check in Day 68 Clean & Sober
Didn’t end up doing a check in last night. Well I did one, and then deleted it lol Once I realized how silly it was by typing it out, I just got rid of it. I had a 1 person pity party last night lol. I did do a gratitude list to try and pull myself out of it, but it got exhausting bcuz my mind get slipping back into “stinkin thinkin”. I just literally needed to end the day and sleep. My eating was so bad last night (I will check in on the other thread for that), but that was part of my self-pity, along with body image stuff etc. Self pity is such a useless emotion in my opinion bcuz it serves absolutely no good, other than making me do a gratitude list lol.
Anyway… I feel better today! Will do my usual morning routine and then some grocery shopping. I think I need to get out in nature too for abit. Get some exercise too. Will see what the day brings!
Hope everyone has an addiction free day!
Thank you for the compliment and ur constant support! I truly appreciate that.
@anon53116147 Hey Mike, I know you have this in you to get recovery! As someone who was a chronic relapser for many years, I can relate to what ur going thru, especially around cocaine (my last DOC was crack cocaine for 7 years but it’s similar). U gotta just give urself some distant from that stuff. It will be rough for the first few days to a week cuz the body craves it but then it does get easier when the physical urge is removed. I see you sort of stuck in this cycle right now, but its not impossible to jump off that merry-go-round. What do you feel you need to get you off this cycle of relapsing? How can you make getting drugs and alcohol harder for you to obtain? That may help to assist u in giving u this distance
Many years ago (like 13 years ago), I relapsed after having 3 years clean and sober. At the time it felt like it was the worst thing to have happen to me. Felt like all my hard work had gone down the drain, I was back to square one, and then I had to go thru withdrawal all over again, and all the horrible emotions we feel were coming up, and I had to tell people. Felt sort of like “what’s the point?”, or I’d often have the “F it” attitude. It was awful to say the least. It felt devastating, upsetting… I was frustrated wondering why I couldn’t get it… and I stayed out in the problem for 13 years (trying to get clean time). That mental state I put myself over my biggest relpase after 3 years clean, ended up keeping me out there for 13 years. The reason why I’m saying this Mike, is bcuz u gotta find a way to pull urself out of this mental funk so that u dont keep using bcuz of ur relapse at 1 year (or for whatever other reasons that have also come into ur mind). Yes… relapsing sucks alot!!! It really, really does!! But in the grand scheme of things (if u were to look at ur whole life as 1 big picture), ur relapse is just a little bump in the road. It seems like the end of the world for sure, but it’s not. And u have the choice every morning to wake up and start ur day and decide how YOU want ur day to turn out. If something is not right in my life… I ask myself what do I need to ADD or REMOVE from my life to get that balance back? And I ask my HP for the strength and guidance to keep me clean for the next 24 hours and to remind me of my powerless over drugs and alcohol. I literally surrender everything in my life, realizing and admitting that i have no control over drugs, alcohol, food, people, places, things, or situations. You have been thru alot and i see u trying so hard!!! Get back to the basics of recovery Mike Focus on those 24 hours (1 hour or 5 min even, whatever u need).
Using doesn’t solve a thing and it serves no purpose other than to make our lives miserable. Addiction wants to leaves us bankrupt. Bankruptcy in ALL forms… mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, and eventually physical. And we never ever know when our last use/drink will be our last. That’s my worry Mike… cuz I care about u (as do many others on here). You keep reaching out on here no matter what happens. You will get recovery! I feel it. U got the strength and determination and persistence for it Hugs Mike!!!
Ps… sorry for the long post lol I didn’t realize how long it was
I’m doing great this morning thanks! I struggled a bit last night with the craving but it passed fairly quickly and today is day 24 which is the day that I relapsed last time so I’m really excited to make it here and feel like it’s a little easier this time.
I did wake up last night with a lot of anxiety which I haven’t had quite like that before without it being from alcohol… I think it’s because I got woken up and then couldn’t get back to sleep and started thinking about so many things but it was more than just that… I mean I normally i struggle with other anxiety but last night it was pretty bad. In the morning it’s funny though because now I can’t even remember exactly what was stressing me out it’s always worse at night hey? At least for me. One of the things is I don’t have a car at the moment and we’re not sure if we’re going to bother getting it fixed or have to start looking for a new one which is extremely difficult right now… Anyways I’m sure things will sort out. Luckily I can borrow my husband’s truck because he lives so close to work he can walk most of the time. We’re managing for now so it’s okay.Thanks for checking and I hope you have a great day.
Phew, I made it. I won’t lie it was touch and go quite a few times for me and self injury this last year. My addict has been very, very alive. Before I put the substances down I had a year and a half clean from self injuring then six month into substance abuse recovery I relapsed a couple of times. For the last two years I have been fighting every fucking day with my addict on some level, handing over my will every morning because for me this will never be over. I can never put my gloves down. I have had a couple months break of obsessive, intrusive thoughts, but even they are starting to creep back in. I have accepted that I am not just a meth addict, I am not just a drug addict, I am not just a behavioral addict, I am an addict in every sense of the word. This disease has seeped its way into all aspects of my life and in order for me to arrest it my recovery needs to do the same. It has taken me 17 years to come to this understanding. 17 long, sometimes very painful and scary years but I have made it and there is a reason for that.
Look at you go girl. I recall the struggles you had with sh and I’m so proud of how far you’ve come in all aspects of your recovery. I’ve never seen someone work as hard as you have. Love you bunches!
Congratulations!
Day 40!
Morning routine-coffee with my sweetheart and taking the pup on a walk. Finally some good weather here…geez! I can see the Sun
I ended up not attending my morning AA meeting due to today being National Record Store Day-
Stood in line for an hour at the record store and met some other vinyl enthusiasts. Great morning! Hmmm… I can already feel like I would love a beer because it is sunny. I’ll need to protect myself and call on some folks this afternoon.
On the turntable ~
Atenção!: Novos Sons do Brasil
Aquarium Drunkard Records - 2022
So admire you. Thank you because you help remind me that regardless of details we keep at it as my foundation. Admire you and thank you for staying the course congratulations!!!
Checking in. Was doing some cleaning in the house, and I found an old wine bottle, empty one of course. I just sat there, staring at it, for a long time, thinking.
Morning Check in 
How is everything in your world?
