For some reason I’m really wanting to self harm. I get insanely anxious when I want to self harm but that anxiety just keeps building. I’m on the phone with my vr friend but I don’t think I’m going to tell him how I’m feeling
Edit: I did take something to harm myself with but my best friend called me repeatedly until I answered and put it back.i put it back and I’m safe. But he cried on the phone and honestly I feel a million times worse for worrying him. Which is just making me want to harm myself more. But I won’t.
Ur sooo right girl!!! I have this fear in a crazy sense… that if I take time off then I won’t get my motivation back to work out. It’s silly honestly lol but ur right tho I do need rest. And I did notice that bcuz my leg muscles were sooo incredibly sore (to the point where I couldn’t walk or bend properly due to using my sore muscles), it irritated me that I couldn’t function at my normal. And I think that too added to these urges to use. So I do have to find that balance thank u so much responding!
I just hit day 7! One whole week sober and it’s felt like so much longer. Today was stressful work wise, and I found myself having strong cravings at the end. I managed to curb those by going outside and sitting at my city’s overlook, just being present and living in the moment.
While at dinner tonight I ordered a mocktail which brought up a conversation with my server about sobriety. She said she was trying to be sober, and I gave her a few different options to try out when the cravings hit. It was nice to hear others desire to get and stay clean, and it’s really made me think about how I see myself. I really enjoy helping others and I’m hoping to explore different options for work that can reflect this.
I hope everyone has a nice weekend! I’m hoping to get a hike in tomorrow
Evening Check In Day 88
Thank you to everyone for shedding some light on my urges to use today. I prayed to my HP and reached out to u all on here (knowing that I can don’t do this on my own). If I have learned anything from my many, many relapses, it is that I CAN NOT do this on my own. I need a power greater than myself, that is personal to me, and that CAN restore me to sanity. I also need the support of others who can do what u all did tonight, shed some light on my situation and give me a diff perspective. I learn from u all! So thank u
Hubby and I ate supper and we have icecream for later. Hubby also surprised me with a gift… a gift I’ve been waiting since technically my birthday last December lol but we had no “extra” money for it since we were using. Anyway, hubby finally gave me some money to get my hair done! I have my boxed dye already to go. Just need the cut. I am going to get my hair cut (which is almost down to my waist), into an Inverted Bob type of haircut on monday! I have never had it so short and I am nervous for this change. Initally I was going to try and give myself this gift for my 1 month clean and sober, but that never happened as I had things to pay off. My 3 months is coming up and I feel like this is a much more meaningful time for a change
Anyway, going to relax abit before bed. Work is this weekend so need ro prepare for that. Hope u all are having a wonderful night!
Hugs!
To me this sounds familiar. When I am trapped in a cycle of thoughts of I should… When all my body and mind is telling me: rest. It’s hard for me to get off this cycle. But after so many cycles it gets easier for me to stop me from getting too much into thinking.
Wow that’s very insightful! I never actually thought that I was an “I should” kind of person. I never actually hear myself tell me that “I should” being doing something, but I 100% feel this! The inner pull to be doing something and knowing that there is so much to take care of, gives me this feeling. But in reality… does it all have to get done today? Not at all. Am I using these constant tasks to distract me from something else much deeper? Maybe. I do like to be a busy person but it does backfire when I overdo it.
How do u settle ur mind? Like how did u get off this merry-go-round? I’m curious to learn new ways
I’m sorry ur struggling today with the urge to drink and feeling that sense of loneliness
Do u know what brought this on?
You are not alone tho and I’m glad u reached out and posted! Thinking of u and hoping that ur evening improves. Tmrw is a new day to be refreshed. Full of new opportunities for a better day!
This is kind of my life leaning Task. For me it is important to get aware of this first. Then I can think of further steps. A big part for me is that comparison to others is the end of all happiness (was it Dalai Lama or some other wise person). And working with my feelings. Sometimes the enormous amount of tasks people are doing here or elsewhere is overwhelming for me. I don’t have this capacity and to accept this is hard and crucial for my survival.
Day 33
Woke up at 5:30am, can’t seem to be able to go back to sleep.
My sleeping pattern was not that bad until these past couple of days.
I’m not sure on how to calm myself back into bed or if I should just figure out starting my day now.
Not working on weekends so this Saturday seems like it’s going to be a long and zombie day…
Hope everyone else makes it to a good day/night today
Thanks
Thank you, I might as well do so, may start some reading now and maybe a quick walk later, lunch and siesta!
Now that I think of it, there’s plenty to do as the hangovers are in the past.
Hope you are doing great!
Thank you for reaching out . I’m meeting with someone from the church I go to on Sunday for Temporary shelter till I leave on the 22. Only a couple more nights of sleeping outside. It’s sctually not to bad With the proper gear. But I am definitely looking forward to this being over. It’s just one more test. I 100% know I would not be holding it together as well as I have been if I was drinking. And I keep thinking how am I making it through this? All I can explain it’s just something inside of me really doesn’t want to drink so I’m still doing everything I have to . I’m safe. I’m sober . I’m grateful
Day 43
Today was a rough one, really. For a while; a long time. I’m not going to spruce it up with flourishes or anything, it was a hard day. A rough conversation that made my husband and I cry. Parenting stuff. Life stuff. Hard truths that are a part of us that we are constantly trying to figure a way around instead of through sometimes.
We’re struggling in the poverty loop rn.
He works so much and i can’t work with how much care our 5yo autistic son needs. I also know if I were to get a full time job again, our medicaid and food benefits would dissolve and I’d have no more therapy or bpd1 meds, my 10yo would lose her adhd meds and our entire life would go back to the struggle hell we lived in prior to me getting laid off.
Now it’s a different sort of struggle. Rock meets hard place.
My husband is struggling with wishing and wanting to do anything more to resolve this and I wish I could take his part of the burden away but the truth is it’s my own burden as well since we’re partners. He already works so much and carries our weight like atlas.
There are personal struggles that we handle differently however, and sometimes even great partnerships are tested with how roughly the consequences of our actions can sneak up on us.
I dunno, more people are struggling harder than we are. I try not to think about all the odds stacked against us right now. The housing market is a real fresh hell as well and not for us. We started it all backwards and are paying our dues I guess.
Sober though.
Things are calmer again.
I’m about to meditate and work out. I’m hardly together but darn if I’m not trudging my ass forward for our better life one choice at a time. We’ll see it through one day.
You are two days away from a big milestone!!! They give key fobs away at 30, 60 and 90 days for a reason. Those are tough days for our brains so hang on tight and keep your eyes on the horizon. Just dial back in Dana you have all the skills you need to get through tough days.
For me urges are predictable when it comes to milestones, and PMS I can actually plan for them!!!
1071
Coffee. A weekend of goodbyes ahead at work. Seven of the residents I am working for were living there when I started working there nine years ago. I spent more time with them than with anybody during that time except for Luna . And while I have a working relationship with them it’s still going to be tough.
In fact yesterday me and one of them already started crying. Even though 5 minutes before she was saying -with conviction- it was good riddance I’m leaving. Gotta love 'm. They know me bloody well as I know them. Two days left. It’ll be good to be gone and start something new. Clean and sober. One day at a time.
Have as good a weekend as you all can friends. Make it sober and clean or nothing will come of it. Lots of love from Amsterdam and this small Oregon town on the Pacific coast whose name I can’t remember right now, or exactly what year it was, but I do remember the walk with my friend there .
It took me some time getting used to watching the footy sober, and yes, especially the big games. Turns out the experience is actually much better sober. In many ways. You’ll find out I’m sure. Enjoy! I’m leaning towards Liverpool for this one, but when Hakim Ziyech plays I’m not so sure.
thank u so much responding!
Evening Check In 
. And while I have a working relationship with them it’s still going to be tough.