Oh Marianna 
Iām so sorry to read this. Iām glad you put it out here. I hope that helps at least just a little bit. I cannot imagine what you are going through. And your pain for your son. I donāt know what to say. But I can pray. I will have you and your son in my prayers.
Iām so glad you are his mom and will be by his side. Keep doing what your doing. And let it out here anytime. Anytime at all.
Great big hugs for you.
4 Likes
Day 1685.
My job search has started in earnest. As many as you know I care deeply about where I work. My attachment is personal because I was a client of the syringe exchange program. They were instrumental in helping me get into my second rehab. Then at 8 months sober I was able to get a job there and over the last four years Iāve been able to work my way up into a leadership role. My area is focus is primarily HIV/AIDS, but thereās been a lot of overlap with SUD and mental health.
Sadly, over the last few months weāve been moving in the wrong direction. Our Executive Director is completely stuck in her way. At first I thought I could stay on and do my best to continue to make small changes (some alcoholic shit trying to change things 
). Well after enough pain Iāve accepted that the only thing I can change is me.
This is not a decision I take lightly. However after careful consideration and prayer I feel at peace with my potential new path
23 Likes
Evening Check in
Day 120
I honestly donāt know whatās gotten into me lately. I donāt know if itās bcuz my hubby has been home the past 2 days due to no work (from the heavy rain) which resulted in my morning schedule being thrown off. Or if itās bcuz I have been getting up early to workout therefore being extra tired and cranky. Or if Iām just plain sick of peopleās lack of follow thru for getting back to me for some important appts, but I have been a b!tch the past 2 days. Iām naturally outspoken as it is but how I have been talking isnāt even like me. My hubby even commented on it and said I have been having a major attitude when talking to people. I need this to stop. I dont like it. I got so worked up today over a few things that went wrong that I got a headache and it probably took me a good 45 min to unwind. So I need to definitely make some changes to my attitude. My husband got me a pet tho. Well 3 new additions to the fish tank. He got 2 sharks (a female and male), and my petā¦ an eel!!! Omg that made my day! I tried taking pics but they are getting situated now and my eel (who I named Lee) is hiding in the dragon skull, so I will let him be for now. Anyway, I need to just make some changes. This isnāt me. Iām not a mean person and I just wish I knew what was going on with me.
11 Likes
Day 241 AF
Been a busy day with the fam and the kiddos. Took them out to an arcade and lunch. Tomorrow we are gonna hit up the SD fair. It should be fun. Stayin busy gives me no time to think about boozing.
@Butterflymoonwoman congrats on 4 months proud of you.
@Nordique Congrats on 2 years!
@Humbriety Congrats on 100 days!
@Bluekoolaid I feel ya. Canāt rush things. Keep workin hard, bro. Using all these tools to stay sober has definitely helped. Something I never tried in the past. Excersising, music, chatting with folks, alcohol replacements, got back into skateboarding. I shouldāve reached out for support sooner, but it what it is. I am here now. Thereās no turning back to those dark times. Stay up.
@Becsta Hoping one day Iāll reach all milestones. Great numbers.
And Congrats to everyone else on TS. Stay strong. Much love.
17 Likes
This is my favourite thing. I love this 
Sorry to hear youāre feeling off. In my experience those times of trouble are right before periods of growth. Take some time to reflect and youāll find a way forward
5 Likes
Navigating Day 9. Fighting the urge but got some nice support here earlier. Glad to have you all. Keep up the good work crew. Nice numbers being thrown up here
12 Likes
Thanks @GOKU2019 itās crazy where taking something 1 day at a time can get you. Itās in us all to achieve it 
4 Likes
Sorry to hear about the work situation, that sucks. I recently left a good position for similar reasons. It just wasnāt a place that was right for me any more. Someone else, yes, but not me.
Iām sure youāll find a better fit though. It will come.
@mamador Marianna Iām so sorry to hear about your son. Changes are very hard for people with ASD. Itās like oil and water sometimes with them, a world thatās full of changes and them desperately trying to find a routine that is home for them. Be gentle with yourself. You are a good mom. There is no rating scale of moms. You are good because you are present and you are sincere and you are moving forward one day at a time, in reasonable, loving, supportive ways. That is motherhood. That is parenthood. You are good enough and you are doing it as well as it can be done, and thatās enough. 
6 Likes
Huge Congratulations on 2 years @Rockstar24777 and @Nordique! 
Sorry Iām so late to the party. Iāve been following both of you since the beginning and it warms my heart to see how far youāve both come. It makes me happy to see you both consistently checking in here and being honest about where youāre at. This shit aināt easy.
6 Likes
Thanks for reaching out man. Keep doing all of those awesome things. And Definitely keep skating! I try not to think about the wasted time but I have been taught in order to recover I have to look back and make sense of things . Sometimes I wonder if I lost my mind a little bit in the last few months but something has just happened ā¦ doesnāt mean I donāt have some bad days but Iām Starting to understand the simplicity . Have a good night man !!
4 Likes
Thank u matt! I needed to read something positive from all this negativity that Iām experiencing. Sometimes I do forget that I can learn something from my obstacles l I appreciate ur insight. Ur such a wise personā¦ ur always very insightful and so helpful and I always appreciate ur posts Matt. How r u doing?
3 Likes
Thank you so much JR!
2 Likes
Thank you!!! That means alot 
1 Like
Good luck on the job search! Thats tough with so much history but you have to be true with yourself
2 Likes
Checking in day 44 free from weed and alcohol. So thankful i found a beginners zoom AA meeting that covers steps 1 thru 3. Its usually a big group and i havent shared yet but maybe tomorrow. Still on the search for a good sponsorā¦trying to be patient. This beginners meeting hooks ppl up with sponsors so i will try that. Asked last week but nothing came of it, maybe this week my plea will gain traction. Im bummed im going to miss the ladies in person meeting thursday but gotta celebrate my dads bday and fathers day. I can always jump on a zoom after. Anyways im rambling. I love you all very much and everybodys willingness to share and be supportive really helps.
12 Likes
Thank you for reaching out and thank you for your positive words ā¦ itās definitely bringing up a lot of emotions but Iām learning thatās ok ā¦ feeling is ok but also knowing when I need to ask for help . Iām glad You are seeking help also.
1 Like
I understand being nervous to share on your first meetings whether in person or zoom. One thing that was suggested for me and what I did was just simply say my name and maybe one small sentence and end it with thatās all Iām comfortable with for nowā¦ All that matters is that youāre making that part of your life is really good. Thereās so many different sobriety tools out there but there is so much good that comes out of AA . Also another thing that somebody told me in AA When looking for a sponsor look at how they behave after the meeting. Look at their actions and what do or have to say ? Do you want what that person has? There is so much good literature on the AA site and Iām sure you can get the Books all kinds of places. Also thereās many more recovery programs which Iām sure you know ā¦ Thank you for your post. I hope that you have a good night
2 Likes
Thanks so much, and yeah it really did honestly. I also talked in depth with my therapist about it and she gave me some pretty helpful advice that Iām gonna start trying to apply
Have a good night!
2 Likes
Thanks so much 
I appreciate the support here and embracing the rough patches of growth is the next step for me to find more peace i think
2 Likes