Day 23 here. I’ve been in my intensive outpatient program (IOP) for two weeks, and just started my third week tonight. It’s been really helpful with allowing addressing and understanding mental health issues I’ve struggled with my entire life, and how those have lead into addiction/substance abuse.
I feel a lot more self awareness, which has been very helpful and relieving. I’m feeling emotions and also acknowledging them for the first time in years. This can be so overwhelming at times, but it still feels better than being numb when I was using. I am still grasping with how to deal with some unsupportive people in my life, but overall I have been doing well.
I am moving. Triggering day today. Almost smoked the joints left under the shelf or the shot of liquor left over. I wanted to dissociate and not exist! Sold a painting and realized I didnt want to sell it, not for that low price!! Learned a lesson - dont take something to an art fair youre not prepared to actually sell for the price listed. If it has sentimental value, write “price on request!” I do believe it will be well taken care of and enjoyed. Here it is, one of my favorite pieces. Acrylic on canvas.
Checking in. This has been one of the longest sober weeks I have ever had. So many tears, so much grief. Grateful for Seek Healing meetings and the great connection there, greatful for my therapist and their support, grateful for A2S meetings and the space to openly talk about suicide without clinicians. Even with all these supports this week has felt impossible, I can’t imagine what it would’ve looked like alone. Snuggling & spoiling my pup extra hard tonight because my panic attack last night scared the shit out of her, horrible dog momma here. Having tea & hitting the pillow, sober as a clam.
U don’t just have hope that you will get that 30 day chip… I KNOW u can! Try not to get too worked up with fear and negative emotions over ur upcoming milestone. I used to as well and I found that the more I got worked up over that fear of relapsing on my milestone, the more increased chance of me feeling irritable or worry which actually lead to more urges to use. I found (for myself anyway), to almost view it as any other day. It sort of takes the pressure off it helped for me anyway. Wishing u the best of luck as u reach ur milestone!
I’m glad u posted about ur thots n urges. I’m even more glad that u didn’t give in. Would it help to maybe get rid of the remaining weed and alcohol from ur home in case another urge arises? I always found it soo difficult to have any remaining of anything around. Ur pixture by the way is GORGEOUS. It’s just sooo beautiful Hope ur day got better!
Day 60
Can’t believe I made it this far. I won’t have my token until I’m already in bed, but still wanted to check in because completely honestly, not long ago I couldn’t fathom being sober for this long for any reason, much less just for myself getting better because I needed to.
Thanks for having me here, and here’s to another 60 days of growth.
Evening Check in Day 105
Feeling not too bad right now. Just relaxing and enjoying our beautiful summer air. Had to work financial stuff again. My brother (who basically manages my parents money) was kind of on my parents last night about how I’m not giving them enough towards the money we owe them. And honestly he is right. And when I think about it… since me and hubby got clean, we should have a lot of “extra” money. I have made some payments and got stuff out of pawn and got caught up on bills etc but I honestly don’t even know where our money goes. Like we have spent some money on material things. I guess we have spent $$ on stuff for our home too. I really had to think about where our money has gone even tho we don’t use lol anyway, I did do up a budget and will give them 800/mth as well as plug away at my credit card also. Feeling okay over all. Tired from today’s interview. But good!
Hope everyone is having a great night!
Hugs!
A wise friend on here told he he listens to the audio of chapter 3 in the Big Book when he thinks he can drink like a gentleman. He can’t. And neither can I. I haven’t posted this for awhile. But I use to listen to this a lot when I started racking up the ODAATs and get that Stinking Thinking happening.
I keep a copy to this link on all my devises.
I’m glad your here.
Checking in on a Monday. Another day sober.
Pretty stressful day today and probably tomorrow too. New home. New vet. Taking all six pets to the vet to board tomorrow and catching a plan. I’ve been stressed as shit all day. Too much to do. I keep thinking what’s the worst that can happen? We miss our flight? We got a funny embarrassing story and catch another flight. I hate leaving the pets at a strange place. We all just got settled in. I did manage to meditate. I did manage an AlAnon meeting. And I did manage to think a drink would take the edge off. I thought it. But I didn’t act on it. I actually can’t believe I thought about it. Like Stella was saying. We got to always stay on guard. Always use our tools. And keep sharing.
I didn’t drink today.
I’m probably not going to drink tomorrow. Premeditated relapse is just choosing to ignore your own strength and submit.
Day 1993. Sorta strange to have days that are same as numbers of years I have lived through, lol. Like, in 1993 I was living in San Francisco. I realized today how alone I am at home. Both of my teens go in their rooms and close their doors. So I am mostly alone with no one to talk to. Not sure what to think about that, it just is.
I put action to my intention today and rid my home of all known “preferred” objects to injure with. I am sure it sounds fucked to most but yeah it’s a thing… anyways they are gone. Wooot! Now I can say I won that battle.
@Dazercat thanks for being my accountability twin.
Ugh… I felt this 100%, so I started going out more. Then I met someone and now I am struggling with feelings of guilt and having a hard time with balance. Then when I make effort to be home , guess what… I am still alone.
It’s so hard to find balance as a single parent! Probably any kind of parent. It would be great to have someone else around to talk to sometimes though.
I am not sure how to say this, but I am feeling the pain this week. Pain you describe I can relate to. My body is telling me to rest but I also am noticing I need to find more community. Thanks for your post. It shows me I need and want to reach out more. I have also scared me dog with anxiety attacks, less so panic. It is tough stuff.
it helped for me anyway. Wishing u the best of luck as u reach ur milestone!
Hope ur day got better!
Evening Check in 
a drink would take the edge off. I thought it. But I didn’t act on it. I actually can’t believe I thought about it. Like Stella was saying. We got to always stay on guard. Always use our tools. And keep sharing.
