Day 13 - Today has been a good day. I got an unexpected chance to see my kids this morning which was great. I got lots of cuddles which absolutely makes my day. I made some good positive steps forward on the house buying front and I managed to get in a 12 mile walk down a beautiful former railway line which has now been converted into a walking / cycling / horse riding route.
So all in all a good day. There was a lot of temptation today, more than most but each time I felt it creeping in I asked myself why? What was triggering me right now.
My anxiety is really high and I think I need to see or speak to someone about it. But also house moves and big life changes are anxiety inducing so I am trying not to be too hard on myself.
Thanks, youāre right, itās a sneaky self-doubt in there. Iām not sure where it comes from but I am sure what it does. Itās time to work on letting that go.
I am having a battle in my mind today. The seas of stress and worry are high & I need to stay grounded, stay focused on the next right thing.
The next right thing.
The next right thing is returning some equipment to my former employer, and cleaning my car. So that is what I will do
Good afternoon everyone. Checking in on day 286. Gloomy day and got no sleep so just trying to get some school work done! Hope everyone is having a good day and stay safe.
Iāve been feeling some irritability lately, and I have to keep reminding myself to be patient and kind to others as they are doing the same for me. I feel more irritable on the days where Iāve had an intense dream or nightmare the night before, which leaves me waking up feeling not rested at all. Iām certainly feeling my brain changing and adjusting to my ānew normalā of sobriety, and Iām optimistic that I will not always feel irritable or have such intense dreams.
I hope that everyone has a great day, stay strong all!
Irritability was a big problem of mine. It does dissipate as your brain recovers and gets back to normal! I am right there with you on the nightmares, i suffer from night terrors and have for years, I was on medication to stop dreaming but stopped taking all meds not needed. Not sure if you see a psychiatrist but I was introduced to dream therapy, not a 100% solution but will help lessen the intensity. Best of luck and keep at it!
I feel the same way almost daily. I am retired at a very young age and have been finding difficulties in feeling like Iāve done enough for the day or a purpose I guess. Itās caused more stress and anxiety than anything. Iāve had to try and talk myself into the fact that it is okay to not be doing something every minute of everyday. Iām hoping once I obtain my degree and can start working from home, a not as labor intensive job, that I will have a better feeling that I am doing enough.
Itās a process I suppose I wonder if plants in a garden ever get āleaf envyā, like āthat plant over in the corner has twice as many leaves as me so I must not be good enoughā.
Itās a little silly to think of, of course but honestly I think it is true. The plant is the plant, it grows in its place one leaf at a time - kind of like us
Late afternoon here and feeling more at peace, less restless. I got some things done on my to do list & just doing that helps; I feel a sense of progress toward my bigger goals (which are all related to those to do list things).
Check in at day 275.
After I have read step 1 extensively for a while, I started in the workbook. I have already had to fill in many questions in the addiction care but this is the other and better work. Iāve had to really think deeply about all the questions Iāve had so far so Iām not that far yet and I try to write everything down as well as possible. But with this question: What does the disease addiction mean to you, I came up with a lot of answers. In the first instance I wrote on decay in all areas of life. But I continued to write and my obsession is all about addiction. Having to take drugs all day long until I fell over from sleep and when I woke up everything started all over again. But sometimes the obsession got worse and even though I almost fell over from sleep, I quickly picked up my substance and continued to use non-stop, self-destructive behavior. Use was number 1 so I didnāt feel like myself anymore. Because if you put substance on number 1, where are the things that give you love and joy? Another thing addiction means to me is extreme. Exreme use, extreme behavior, the crimes I have committed because of addiction. It drove me to the limit, boundaries were constantly pushed back and I pushed my head in the sand.
Anyway, it wasnāt fun to read back, but it was important. I am so thankful that things are going so well right now but I have to remember that I am addicted and what can happen if I donāt change my behavior. Because addiction is not only in using the substance. Iās also the behavior. Iām on my toes again and Iām alert because these arenāt games. I am very grateful that I am finally gaining insights and being able to work on myself.
Hope everyone has a beautiful, addiction free day
Not really that silly! Good way of putting it. Is that part of our EGO peeking out? I know with the medical problem me and my wife just went through my ego came out strong. It was why do I deserve this, Iāve done everything right. Every question started with I or me.
Yes, thatās exactly what it was like for me in the early days of my diabetes. Learning to live with insulin and all the vigilance it takes (monitoring food intake, being careful about snack schedules, every day, having to adjust for mood and stress and aerobic activity, the list goes on - all so I donāt die in a hypoglycaemic attack) - that was exhausting and I asked my doctors and my nurses for reasons why and what could have prevented it, and they didnāt know. (Itās just one of those medical mysteries: why does the immune system attack the pancreas in roughly 1% of the human population? We donāt know. We know how to manage it but not why it happens.)
Ultimately it comes down to the same basics we learn in sobriety I guess: you have your life and you have your choices, and you have to make your choices based on your present, grounded, one day at a time.
In a way Iām grateful for these struggles because they help me gain insight into this sort of stuff. Also because I get to learn here on TS - itās a really valuable space.
Thanks @Mno it was less hassle than I expected. It took a while, but I think I have everything reinstalled. Iām still transfering files from the cloud to my laptop and today Iām tired because I stayed up so late doing it.
Happy for you