Late afternoon here and feeling more at peace, less restless. I got some things done on my to do list & just doing that helps; I feel a sense of progress toward my bigger goals (which are all related to those to do list things).
One step at a time & stay humble 
Check in at day 275.
After I have read step 1 extensively for a while, I started in the workbook. I have already had to fill in many questions in the addiction care but this is the other and better work. Iāve had to really think deeply about all the questions Iāve had so far so Iām not that far yet and I try to write everything down as well as possible. But with this question: What does the disease addiction mean to you, I came up with a lot of answers. In the first instance I wrote on decay in all areas of life. But I continued to write and my obsession is all about addiction. Having to take drugs all day long until I fell over from sleep and when I woke up everything started all over again. But sometimes the obsession got worse and even though I almost fell over from sleep, I quickly picked up my substance and continued to use non-stop, self-destructive behavior. Use was number 1 so I didnāt feel like myself anymore. Because if you put substance on number 1, where are the things that give you love and joy? Another thing addiction means to me is extreme. Exreme use, extreme behavior, the crimes I have committed because of addiction. It drove me to the limit, boundaries were constantly pushed back and I pushed my head in the sand.
Anyway, it wasnāt fun to read back, but it was important. I am so thankful that things are going so well right now but I have to remember that I am addicted and what can happen if I donāt change my behavior. Because addiction is not only in using the substance. Iās also the behavior. Iām on my toes again and Iām alert because these arenāt games. I am very grateful that I am finally gaining insights and being able to work on myself.
Hope everyone has a beautiful, addiction free day 
@Cloyboy89 what I did was around letting go of a toxic relationship, it really helped
Not really that silly! Good way of putting it. Is that part of our EGO peeking out? I know with the medical problem me and my wife just went through my ego came out strong. It was why do I deserve this, Iāve done everything right. Every question started with I or me.
Yes, thatās exactly what it was like for me in the early days of my diabetes. Learning to live with insulin and all the vigilance it takes (monitoring food intake, being careful about snack schedules, every day, having to adjust for mood and stress and aerobic activity, the list goes on - all so I donāt die in a hypoglycaemic attack) - that was exhausting and I asked my doctors and my nurses for reasons why and what could have prevented it, and they didnāt know. (Itās just one of those medical mysteries: why does the immune system attack the pancreas in roughly 1% of the human population? We donāt know. We know how to manage it but not why it happens.)
Ultimately it comes down to the same basics we learn in sobriety I guess: you have your life and you have your choices, and you have to make your choices based on your present, grounded, one day at a time.
In a way Iām grateful for these struggles because they help me gain insight into this sort of stuff. Also because I get to learn here on TS - itās a really valuable space. 
Well your learning and teaching so thank you!
I understand Stella. Sorry for snapping, ever since I started taking these stupid pills Iāve not felt good, stomach is killing me and just sick.
On some good news. I just got my phone call and got approved for the bed at St Joeās.
Thatās awesome Mike! 
Happy for you
Thanks @Mno it was less hassle than I expected. It took a while, but I think I have everything reinstalled. Iām still transfering files from the cloud to my laptop and today Iām tired because I stayed up so late doing it.
Quick check in- 65 days
Itās Friday finally, long weekend here. Very much looking forward to it!
Have a great day everyone x
Checking in sober.
Artical about TV shows sans booze.
Day 92 of no self harm
I donāt know why I try to lie to myself and say Iām doing ok. Iām not. I havenāt been. Even my good days are awful. Iāve done everything I know of to get better but nothing is working or even helping. Itās this endless cycle of thinking things will be okay and then getting smacked in the face by reality. I donāt know what to believe other than I canāt improve. Been trying to for years and somehow I always end up at a further rock bottom. Itās useless. Iām not going to self harm but I think Iām done trying to force myself to eat and take showers and all of that. Itās so much energy thatās wasted. If I want to rot away itās my right
My 20ty birthday is June 21st. I never imagined Iād make it to 14, let alone 20. But I really thought that if I somehow made it Iād have my shit together by then. I kept pushing for nothing
Day 673
Feeling hopeful about recovery. Grateful that so far Iām not in much pain. Im able to get around fairly easy and donāt completely need to rely on crutches. Staying in a hotel for the night and once I get home tomorrow I get to watch the video they gave me of the surgery with my doctor talking through exactly what was going on from the inside view and what he did. So Iām weirdly excited for that! 
Now to try and get some sleep,
1091
Coffee. In the future I think Iāll skip this step, drinking coffee at home before heading out to my commute to work 
. Could get out of bed 20 minutes later. Anyway, I slept OK albeit a bit short. Iām sober and clean. Ready for my second day at my new job. Letās go!
Have as good a day as you all can friends. Make it clean and sober. Itās the only way for all of us. Love from my little ride yesterday.
My shit was nowhere near together at twenty, and it was even worse at thirty.
I really donāt want you to ārot awayā, I know it is hard, but I really believe you can find your place ,
All good, thereās a lot going on for you right now. I would imagine you are emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. Sorry your stomach is feeling upset ontop of it.
AMAZING NEWS about the bed, I am so happy for you.
Iāve had similar concerns about NEVER drinking again.
Iām wondering what life would be like sober without alcohol.
Maybe youāre curious too? Iām only 2 months in but hopeful this time around. X
#Day 1353
Quick check in.
Going for a walk at 8 oāclock in the morning.
So cuddle the cat, drink my coffee and of I go!
Day 89
My shit isnt together. Nothing feels stable in my life now. But i am sober and grateful for it. I can only decide how i act and interact with others moving forward, not change the past.
Stayed up late watching a fun murder mystery (only murders in the building) but now i must go to bed. Recovering from ankle sprain sucks. Thank you for the place to check in. Goodnight.
