Well done on your sober days 
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Thank you this means alot
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Your very welcome. Il be thinking of you.
On the route home. Parked at roadside to check in because I need to. Something is rustling up that addict voice in me, has been for the last hour or so.
What is giving that voice a stage to speak?
I think itās because Iāve been letting things slide and accommodating, rather than healthily asserting and acting for what I want.
I want:
- the junk cleared out of our basement. There is stuff there (from both of us) that hasnāt moved in years. It needs to go.
- my old car sold and my finances arranged for my business to launch next month.
- intimacy to be nurtured with my wife. I need to feel a presence and closeness: an identity of myself taking space at home, occupying a place and being present, and being deliberately close to her.
I believe the first two things will help the third to manifest itself. These are my priorities this week. I cannot bury myself, silence myself. When I do, my inner self struggles, rebels, metastasizes. I must provide a healthy space for myself, be assertive and face healthy conflict head-on.
I am scared folks. My ADHD brain is like a current of electricity, always humming in the background, and when something crosses it at the wrong angle, it sparks. I am worried I will be derailed. I need to be honest about that. Iām scared.
@Tomek I am sorry to hear about your struggle with this final boss. The way you phrase it - many-faced monster - reminds me of the legend of Heracles defeating the hydra. All who had fought the hydra before had found that when they cut off one of the heads, two would grow in its place. Heracles defeated the hydra by enlisting support from his nephew Iolaus, and when Heracles would cut off one of the heads, Iolaus would cauterize the wound so a new head would not grow.
The monster may be many faced and defeating it may have not yet been done - but that does not mean itās impossible. Tackle those heads one at a time.
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Kat here checking in onā¦ Day 1.
So many thoughts and feelings whirring around my brain at this relapse, the big question is Why so I can prevent the next one.
Feeling very calm and humble today.
My sponsor is driving me to a meeting tonight and I will surrender.
Kat
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Feeling blessed right now, had a lovely evening with my family.
Just spent the last hour speaking with my dad, heās always been such a big strong man and yet he looks so gentle and frail. Itās difficult to look at him knowing and seeing the fear in his eyes.
He literally just told me that he is so proud of the way I have stopped drinking and it brought tears to my eyes.
I honestly feel like I could do anything right now. Heās never normally so vocal with his praise and yet he announced it so proudly in front of everyone.
If I could bottle this and sell it Iād be a millionaire, however i already feel like the richest man in the world, I may not have money, but money doesnāt buy love and family and I am richer than anyone!
Have a great day everyone!
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Hi Kat! Good to see you back again. 
I slipped too 2 days ago, after 7 monthsā¦
Back on track since yesterday. Stay strong, you can do this! 
We have the workout challenge going on again, maybe feel like joining?
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This is a big reason that a lot of us relapse. That empty feeling inside that for all of our active addiction we have sought outside ourselves to fill. I could never understand why drugs, sex, shopping, gambling, gaming etc would only make me feel better short term. I even went so far as to have a child because I thought that for sure would keep me cleanā¦ was I ever wrong. The loneliness of our disease is something that can only be filled by us, itās an inside job. During the begining of my recovery I didnāt understand what I was looking for because it is actually so subtle, I had lived my life feeling extremes. Some pretty impactful tools that I have used to work on this inside job have been gratitude and meditation. Through both of these practices I am now able to fill my spirit constantly during my day. For example right now I can simply be filled by the shadows dancing across my living room floor from the trees swaying in the breeze. I am grateful for my eyesight today and that I have a safe home. I am grateful that I only have to live a one day at a time program and that just for today I think I can stay clean.
I commend you on the depth of your self awareness, it is really great to see someone start to peel back those layers.
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I am starting the book Erotic Intelligence (a book about recovering intimacy with oneās partner, as part of recovering from sex addiction) and I think itās right on point about what I need to do, but I also feel intimidated, like, can I do this? Can I actually do this? After so many years neglecting it?
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What a beautiful message from ur dad! That mustve felt sooo good to hear! Proud of you and so very happy for u! Love ur positive and upbeat message today! Thanks for sharing 
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goosebumps
Thank you for sharing.
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Thank you @Its_me_Stella , I really appreciate your kind words. They have really lifted my spirits at the end of a long weekend.
I think you are spot on about the emptiness. It feels like, for the first time I am looking at the real problem and itās time for me to to start fixing it. Iām going to start with gratitude and being present and I am going to work my way from there.
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Day 16 - Part 2
Well I made it, a four day weekend withour the kids and my friends far away with their own lives. Just me peeling back the layers of my addiction to discover the loneliness underneath.
But I look back on this time I have found really tricky and I am grateful. Grateful for my old school friend who rang me tonight and talked to me for a couple of hours. Grateful that I got the chance to speak to the kids today and tell them that I love them. Grateful for the beginnings of a plan on how I am going to move forward with my life. Iām starting to turn the daunting prospect of starting again into a chance to reassess what is important and focus my life on that. I am grateful that the loneliness has subsided and that I am taking steps to counteract it.
I am grateful for this community.
Itās been such a tough weekend but the kindness that I have been shown as part of this community is really helping my recovery. So thank you for all your support.
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Oh man missing 411 does freak me out. I have been listening to David P. on and off for years. I think the first time I heard him was on coast to coast radio. I like to hike solo in the mountains and now when I do sometimes I get the creeps! I have def stopped hiking alone as often as I used to.
Bye for nowā¦
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Checking in on day 393. Today is my daughterās 9th birthday and now the second one Iām experiencing in sobriety. We had a double header today to close out her travel softball team regular season. The girls won both games ending the season 11 wins 4 losses. I got a low B on my stats final which gave me a 93% in the class. Iāll call that a win. Chilling poolside with the three younger kiddos now before we cook my daughterās favorite meal: breakfast for dinner. Have a great day everyone. Itās a great day to be above ground and sober.
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Day 676
Knee is recovering well but the meds and healing are making me anxious, cranky, and so hungry. Found out that the day and location of my follow up appointment in two weeks is also the day and location some of my friends are heading out for a bike packing trip. Sad I wonāt be able to join them but happy I can see them off and offer my gear for their use if needed.
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Keep getting up 
whatās done is done, we live we learn and we keep moving forward.
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Even without sex addiction, or indeed any addiction, any couple that has drifted apart over years, with the ensuing resentments, habits, preconceptions, it takes courage and time to change the relationship. But I am sure with your wisdom and effort you can do it.
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Ode to sobriety
Oh tea
You make me have to pee
You quench my thirst
No need to hurt
Add a lemon
Add some ice
Oh my, tea is nice
Sobriety brings out my strength
Sobriety brings out my joy
Why have i been brainwashed so long?
I dont need booze to get along
All i need is my faith and fellowship
One drinkā¦fuck that shit
One day at a time
I tried to make this rhyme
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Love it 
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