Day 96 of no self harm.
Honestly I’m very seriously debating just giving up on trying to get better.
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Day 440 AF.
My 29th birthday is coming up, and I have a lot of feeling regarding that. Most of my 20s sucked. I started drinking alcohol at about 17 years old, by 21 I was already drinking pretty regularly every other weekend. At 22 I started to realize that I drank more than those around me, I ended up putting the thought that that was something out of the ordinary in the back of my head and continued drinking. It went from every other weekend, to every weekend, to every other day, to every single day, to almost every waking hour of the day. By 25 I was a full fledged alcoholic, I had lost all ambition, all hopes and dreams, and was merely existing instead of living. At 24 I tried to stop but was never successful, so 25 and 26 I just kept digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole of depression, of sadness, of running away from my problems, drowning all my sorrows instead of facing life. At 27 I had I guess my moment of clarity, where I came to the realization that I had to change, or else my life would play out 1 of 3 ways, either dead, homeless, or in prison. I also came to the realization that I wasn’t going to be the same person I was before, idk why at first I thought “ok, ima stop drinking and I’ll go back to normal” but that was years ago, I didn’t even know how to be that person, and that I wouldn’t be the current person I was then, that I was gonna have to be a new version of myself. Since then I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself, In all types of ways, psychically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I’ve learned so much about myself, and now live my life being a more authentic version of myself. I struggle with a lot of internalized self-hate, but I’m learning to see myself through kinder eyes. There are countless things I’ve learned in recovery, lots of things I’ve unlearned, and still a lot of learning & unlearning left to do. Recovery is very beautiful, but also very hard. Lots of ups and down. My life has improved tenfold ever since i gave up alcohol, but the fact that I spent so many years of my life in active addiction, slowly killing my self and being okay with that, is something that will bother me for many years to come. I guess Since I struggled with this for years, it’s only right that it will take several years for me to get over this, and maybe it’s something I’ll never get over and just something I’ll have to be okay with and learn to live with. I’m proud to be ending my 20’s now sober and working towards bettering my life, but the feelings of intense pain, the memories, the fact that I ended up so consumed by a substance is something that really pains me. I just ran a marathon today, doing high intense activities has become a great outlet but they are simply hobbies. At this current point in my life I know I have to take steps towards my future, what I want to do as a career to feel more fulfilled in life. I already have an idea of what I want to do, and how to accomplish it, and its time to get the plan in motion. Sorry of this message is all over the place, just needed to vent and get this out there. Appreciate you all, and thank you for reading all this if you got to the end. One day at a time ❤️🩹
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Thanks Fleur I think you’re right. Given a basic affection and a willingness to put in the effort and learn, it will happen.
Hey i like your presence in the check ins. Keep with it as the fight to understand why is worth it. Maybe go back and read your old posts as youve posted not only reflections, but accounts of good days youve enjoyed with your kids.
Rooting for you! ⚘️
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“Getting better” is such an intimidating thing to expect of yourself. Maybe you can try to have a nice day, or a worthwhile experience.
I am biased because i am 28 and have lived a cautionary tale of a life where i gave up on myself and my life and lost control. When i was 18 and su!cidal i had…still no idea how much worse it could be. There is no bottom to hell and its dangerous to give up young.
Maybe that is bleak but I wish i had internalized it back then. You have more to lose than you think, and everything worth fighting for. The fact that you are even typing this tells me theres a part of you that wants to be convinced to go on. There is a light in you that isnt out yet and is very hard to put out!!
I sometimes imagine a 35 year old me that is cooler and better than me now and I am fighting to be her, for her.
Also, rich and violent people in power literally profit off of people hating themselves, so if nothing else, survive out of spite 
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Day 232 AF
Busy Sunday. Went for a skateboard cruise this morning, did laundry, and went out to a skating rink. It was my first time rollerblading in ages. I was a little nervous at first, but I still got it. We had a good time with the fam.
Have a great day yall!
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Hi Erwin, awesome work on 440 days! You’ve come a long way and I hope you’re proud of yourself, it’s inspiring!
I understand the pain and memories of the past. For me, 3 years into recovery, the pain lessens over time but the memories remain. I try to turn them into a kind of positive. I’ve taken lessons from my past that I use for my future, and they serve me as a reminder as to why I quit drinking and don’t ever want to go back.
Great to read your share, thank you!
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Day 92
Baked ok brownies and dissociated into bad tv
My whole body is tired
Devastating writers block, mental block. Grief and anger.
I did find a novelty ice cube tray that a friend will love so i hope to give that to her soon. Little death star ice cubes. I was never into star wars or merch but she is! So that is a good thing to look forward to.
This is often why i have started using again…im still me with so many bad habits, terrible executive functioning. I was out of it today. Stumbled when i shouldnt have. Irritable. I think “oh well i am just like this, i might as well smoke to relax.” Death to thinking that way! It means ive affected the patterns of my development in my 20s and am less good at building good habits knowing my surroundings and taking care of myself and relationships.
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Ending my day sober. Thank God. Grateful for my wife and my friends - we had a faith gathering tonight on Zoom - and how that helps me be my best self, helps me be present and feel seen.
Tomorrow I’m starting with exercise then reviewing my to do list and getting progress on 2 big priorities. I’ll screen those out tomorrow morning though because I’m tired now.
Take care you guys. Be kind and determined.
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Hey Megan, I believe you’ve got your birthday coming up and that is always a real trigger for you? I believe you have the strength in you to keep going - I haven’t commented alot on your posts but from what I have followed, you’re a courageous and beautiful young lady with a strong spirit.
I understand that things feel hopeless right now, but these feelings WILL pass… can you focus on just today for us? Just for today you will not give up. And then tomorrow, we try that again.
Keep posting away on the forum if it helps, there is alot of love and support for you here.
You. Are. Not. Alone.
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Hello Super Sober Friends. Checking in on day 359 at the end of a lovely weekend. I got tons of yard work done yesterday and went to the beach with my family today. Then we went out for ice cream. Living sobriety moment by moment. I hope everyone has had a good weekend. Wishing you strength and peace.
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Checking in.
2 years.
5 months.
3 days.
Kind of a shit day. 39 year anniversary and my highlight was going to my AlAnon meeting tonight.
Oh well what the hell.
I was reading this morning in my ODAAT In AlAnon and you know, we all got a lot of courage. That really resonated with me. I kinda just wanted to have a pity party all day. But I thought, pick up your ODAAT In AlAnon and see what your daily reading says. COURAGE. It was a nice boost. I think we all got lots of courage to come here and fight the good fight every day. It doesn’t matter how much time you got. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve pick yourself up and are trying again. You all got lots of courage. Never give up on you. And we don’t give up on each other.
I don’t know. Today would have been a great day to say “Fuck it!” But I’m going to bed sober. And I’m taking my courage with me. And I’ll do it again tomorrow. Because that’s what we do.
Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.
Tori Amos
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Happy anniversary . Sometimes supposedly special days suck because of our expectations. Even if this one day was not do great, it doesn’t take away from the achievement.
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Congratulations on your sober time.
I hate those days where i feel low. But im glad you pushed through it, and had a sign of courage. Sometimes little things like that can really change our pattern of thinking for that day.
Happy anniversary 
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Reset… pretty upset with myself…
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立ち直して💜
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Happy Birthday to your daughter. I hope you and you’re daughter have an amazing day
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Day 40 in the books. Hope you guys had a great weekend.
Anyone have any issues with anger? I know I’m still early but I consider myself a pretty easy going guy. I’ve had a couple of times this past week where I went off on a coworker for micromanagimg and then I got in a fight in my soccer game tonight as well. I went for a run after my game to get the lead out… looking for ways you all may deal with short temperdness. Thanks in advance.
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Checking in, day 50 and still sober. Have a good night!
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Wow, that is a really nice deal and good preparation!
Have fun!
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