…1538.
Played hooky from work today. Snuggled with my dog, and fell asleep for about 4 hours. Got the kayaks down…now to wait for Ms. Ms. Monkey to get home, and then to find a lake
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My current therapist -one of the the two who lead my schema therapy group- gave me a book to read on the subject of childhood abuse and trauma and how it affected the rest of your/my life. Reading it hit me hard. I knew most of it but to see yourself described like that is tough. Made me very sad. Only truly realizing now how my life, my future, was stolen from me. How much of my sexuality isn’t my own but imprinted on my by the abuse and the abusers. I’m not even really 100% sure I’m gay. And I’m bloody 56 years old.
But. I’m sober and clean. I work my recovery. I’m not going to change the past but I can change today and maybe tomorrow too. If I keep working my ass of. In the past I coped with the shit the happened with booze and drugs, with dangerous sex, by trying to loose myself in the moment, by trying not to feel.
I’m learning now to face my feelings, to face what is happening inside and with me. And face and deal with what happened in the past. Schema therapy helped a lot with that. And I feel that now I have to face this part too. And deal with it. I hope I can. It needs to be done. Bringing all this stuff to the surface without dealing with it is just impossible. I need to do this. That’s how I feel about it.
My therapist agreed to work with me for a while on an individual base. She has experience in dealing with trauma from childhood. And we have a good interpersonal connection, which is the number one factor which determines how successful therapy is.
She wants me to join another therapy group that does Pesso Therapy. A bit hard to explain as I don’t have a clear picture myself yet. Basically it combines work on head and body and the connection between them. There’s not a lot of these sort of therapies and therapists available. I could be on a waiting list again. In the meanwhile I’ll meet with her for now.
It could be a pretty long process. I’m not really looking forward to that. But I am looking forward to really process all that happened, instead of the flight into booze, drugs and sex of the past. Recovery is work. Life long and hard work too. But the rewards are there and are huge, I am absolutely sure of that. I’ve come a long way already. There’s more to come. X
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Hi Kat here! I’m back. Day 1
I relapsed after 9 months on alcohol and benadryl. It has been a few weeks of relapse… well today I said No More! I threw out any remaining pills and poured the alcohol down the drain. I picked up a white keytag Sunday but will pick up another tonight.
I am back on the right road folks!
Love Kat
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Checking in with 2 years, 3 months and 18 days. I am one hour clean from something else (nofap) although I really don’t feel like a problem or addiction to me there is negative consequences for me mentally, emotionally and spiritually and I feel very guilty and anxious after I engage in that behavior. I have tried to stop for the last 2 months and keep going back to it and regret it every single time. I really want to give that behavior up and so I am going to really put some effort into it. My boyfriend doesn’t understand the issue with it but I just don’t feel good while doing it. So yeah I’m done this is hard for me to talk about but I’m sharing it with you guys bc I don’t have anyone else to.
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Day 27 troops life’s good no more said x
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Thanks so much for understanding the process!
Yeah it really is a lot of realizations and, fear of losing some ‘part of myself’ held me from getting better for a long time.
That and not advocating properly for myself, partly because I didn’t know how for years and years.
I look forward to growth now, painful as honesty may be sometimes, I’d rather live there.
Also, separately, I hope your music set (if I read that correctly) goes good! I’m just restarting my piano and uke practices and it’s so cathartic. What’s your process right now for writing songs also just out of curiosity? I’ve never tried song writing but it’s always been interesting learning how others choreograph their ideas into organized sounds.
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Im sorry to hear you are going through this. My mum is in the same situation she is 56 and its all only just started to come out.
Yout doing the right thing by trying to deal with it.
Although i only have experience in watching how it affects another and it is upsetting and very heart crushing, i dont know really if i can be of any help with advice, but im definitely here if you need to chat and supporting you through it 
It takes alot to do these therapies so good on you for taking that control back.
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On day 3. Had short moments of desires. Very short, but intens. Tomorrow my boyfriend will come for the weekend as usual since I had my accident. He takes care and is supportive. I am confident, not to drink. I will tell him my decision. He is a good guy, he will support it. One day at the time.
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Good news, are the gallstones OK where they are for now or do they need removing? Bet you’re relieved it wasn’t your liver giving you the pain.
Great job on getting back on it and congrats on your days too 
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That is some commitment right there, well done. Well done on your days, that’s a fantastic amount to time
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I don’t know really as haven’t spoken to the Doctor yet, have to wait for them to get the scans. I don’t think they like to take them out unless really problematic, so unless it gets worse I am hopeful I am ok. I am going to try and modify my diet a bit more (not far off vegan so going to be a challenge!) Thanks so much for your kind words 
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Checking in day 11. It has been a couple days since I have posted but still here and going strong.
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Hello guys. Checking in day 13…
Watched the other guys today. A funny movie.
@kat261 Hey glad you are back. Do not feel discourage. You got 9 months free. That really great. Sending strenght.
Bye and peace.
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I start with the music. Strumming, experimenting with chords and patterns until I find something I like. Once I’ve got that, I work on the words. Rhyming dictionaries and thesauruses are your friends 
Sometimes I’ll get a melody in my head and then I’ll just try to come up with some chords that support it.
I agree about the music being cathartic. I feel that way too. It’s a creative process and I think it feeds an important part of our humanity. It’s also something that works well with our lovely brains! It gives latitude to their expression and invention.
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Yes, hopefully they’ll just sit happily where they are!
Good luck with tweaking your diet, I’m sure it will help with overall health.
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Day 20 - Evening all. I made it to Day 20 and I’m really pleased about it. As I’ve said in my other daily check ins, I’ve been here before but not like this, just writing this feels like a weigh off my shoulders. As if checking in with you all makes it somehow real?
Generally the day has been a bit of a slog. I’m feeling tired all the time at the moment as if the weight of everything that is going on in my life is grinding me into the earth. I took a walk at work today though, spoke to a friend who game me some good practical advice. I just talked to my dad on the phone as well. The talking helps.
You all help as well. Checking in here helps me to crystalise my thoughts on the day and set them free. I am tired but happy to be here. Tomorrow is another day at a time.
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@moonchild7994 you’ve taken a big step by being able to talk about it. If it is something you don’t like and doesn’t make you feel good you are doing the right thing by getting rid of it.
I get where you are coming from as I am dealing with my own similar issues. I really respect and admire you for your courage to talk about these things.
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Thank you 
🫶🏼
Oh it’s real.
Always works for me.keep up the great work. And congratulations on your 20 days of the new you.
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As a process I love that idea, I really hope to get there sometime in the relatively nearish future.
I agree with it feeding a part of our humanity and the concept of taking the journey to create something for reasons involving ourselves and through art, expressing or learning something more about who we are or about the world itself.
Even moreso is when it’s shared with others, and the vulnerability there.
I’ll keep practicing and working on it, maybe get organized enough to do a little cover practice and see where it goes.
I’m usually a drawing/painting art style but music is a form I’ve always wondered and wanted more of from myself, so exploring it has been both intimidating and refreshingly different at the same time.
I like the idea of searching for the words through the sounds first.
Have a great day and thanks for the insight!
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