Thanks my friend! Thank u for the love and support 
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I kinda feel embarrassed coming on this forum lately after wrecking my 148 days of sobriety for 2 lousy drinks. Anyway, Iāll continue to learn to try to just look forward.
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I am eating now not the healthiest thing tho but just snacking on something until my hubby gets back from the store with food. It is helping. Itās scary in a sense but I donāt rememeber what I used to do hour by hour. It feels like sooo long ago lol even tho it really has only been almost 4 months. Have u ever felt that too? I mean I have alot more skills now than I did obviously in the beginning I sat down and did a short body scan 1st to relax my jaw and shoulders n stuff. And then I prayed about it and connected to my HP. I feel that helping. I am going to do ur meditation that u sent me next
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It makes 
sense that youād feel embarrassed Seb.
Iām just glad youāre back.
This shit aināt easy.
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Donāt feel embarrassed about keeping trying. The journey is not linear for any of us. I am sure you learnt something from your slip.
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Yes its good you are eating, 4 months is a long time to quit something we never thought we could.
Id definitely try the meditation and speak to your higher power.
To be honest when i think back im not sure how i did it either! But im glad i did it. I. Glad you did it too.
When your partner gets back you may feel better then too, it could flip the coin over and you have a lovely evening together. I know i can be really hopefull sometimes but i have to be otherwise id never get past anthing, id always talk my self out of it.
Makes me think now we are really lucky to be where we are today, and not back at the beginning.
Somehow getting through a bad day seems like a better choice than gong through all those feelings and waking up feeling bad, i dont think i have another time in me. Especially after realising just now, i cant remember how i got here but am so gratefull i am. Im gratefull your here too.
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For a while I had to restart my sobriety on here continuously and hell yeah I felt embarrassed coming back each time. But everyone only wanted to help, itās never a smooth journey and your honesty about it speaks volumes. Itās too hard to do alone - glad youāre still here with us!
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This right here girlā¦ I NEEDED to read this! This is what I needed to be reminded of. Thank u thank u thank u 
I needed to read this. I felt a release or something reading this bcuz itās not that I canāt use (bcuz truly I can if I want to), but Iām choosing not to bcuz of what u just posted love u girl xo it sort of reminded me of why I quit and what I never want to go thru again
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Thanks @siand!! Itās been a FABULOUS two year anniversary 
The purchase of my house closed at the same time!!! Yyayyy!!!
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Day 238 AF
Finished my work day. It was a slow day. On vacay next week.
My 3 year old has been a handful recently. Bumping heads with my oldest son all day. The wife went out for a walk to get a break from them. She has been stressing out. I feel exhausted from the walk this AM. Started having bad thoughts, and tripping for no reason again. Drinkin a sparkling water to help with the cravings.
Gotta keep pushin tho.
Have a great sober day everyone!
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So, tonight was legitimately the first night I didnāt want to go home after wrapping up a family dinner. Iām all dressed up, the weathers got that beautiful summer night vibe and I found myself romanticizing the nights our with the girls drinking fruity cocktails and getting into loud passionate conversations, dancing to the top 10. I havenāt had these thoughts come over me in a very long time. I will not be acting on these thoughts. Iāve come too far to go backwards. But, I share this to remind everyone to remain vigilant. Donāt get comfortable in your sobriety because youāve maintained it for over hundreds or thousands of days. All it takes is 1 time to think about drinking again and it could land you back in that vulnerable state. Had to check in here to also check myself. Goodnight.
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Those thoughts certainly do pop up out of left field sometimes. Awareness and proper response are the only way to deal, like you just did 
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Evening Check in
Day 117
I just wanted to come on here and say thank u for everyone who helped me previously today and for everyone who posts about their own stuff going on also. I read alot more on days like today and it helps. Iām not 100% better emotionally but I am still clean and sober and that in itself is a WIN for me. I feel kind of defeated in other ways tho but as long as I maintain my recovery, I have a chance for things to improve. Hope everyone has a good night
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Checking in day 98.
Stayed sober. Time passed. No crises. Had coffee and food.
Kind of want to post on my social media that i got sober. But that would be a lot.
Goodnight. Things can get better tomorrow, it is a new day.
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Day 71
More struggles in remembering Iām not Mary Poppins and wonāt ever be perfect.
Trigger for me using in the past was the sky high standards i held for myself that were never realistic, and the guilt and irritation of never reaching them.
I lost 100lbs and almost lost my mind along the way. I couldnāt drop the mental issues or psychosis by myself.
Rearranging my ideals and scaling back my goals for the moment is everything I needed, but will take a lot of work to reroute those neuron pathways in particular.
I donāt know how to phrase it other than being a perfectionist in denial. I never thought it applied to me becauseā¦I couldnāt reach my expectations or dreams bc something would come along and I struggled with the aftermath of compromising my process as I had imagined it. Eventually I became angrier by the year and standards kept rising meanwhile.
Apparently thatās textbook burnt out perfectionist definition though, it turns out.
Rethinking a frustrating friendship and going to revisit her in a week or so, more on my terms.
Still meditating and working out almost daily.
Piano, however, is my real thrill. I canāt get enough practicing and itās really great striving for an interest for personal therapeutic relaxing reasons.
Kind of all over here tonight, but so is life.
Thanks everyone for all your encouraging words, have a great night everyone
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Day 682
Healing is exhausting. My knee has been making it hard to sleep the past few nights and I couldnāt stop yawning today at work I have been so tired. But the knee has felt better today. Itās the first day I have been completely free of any bandage/covering on it and havenāt had to take any pain meds, just my anti-inflammatory meds, stretching & PT exercises. Bike is set back up inside on the trainer for a spin in the morning tomorrow so off to bed early ish now for me.
In other news Iām feeling lonely today but honestly itās a good kind of lonely. (lol what?!) I have been feeling lonely for a while now but today is a different kind of lonely. For a long time itās been a feeling when Iām around other people and those friendships and relationships just werenāt right and made me feel stifled. For once today I got to feel the right kind of lonely because I actually am indeed alone. (sigh of relief) It has been a long time since was actually alone. I always hated feeling lonely and I would feel the need to change it, I would drink, and I would get myself into trouble. But instead today Iām just letting myself feel it and accept it and I have a kind of gratitude for this loneliness.
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I can relate to a lot of the loneliness turning from resentment into an embracement of solitude and the reality that it can be a beautiful thing sometimes, done right.
I finally stopped fighting my inner hermit recently and living as the introvert I am has been freeing for when I actually do have to interact with others than my husband and kids, who are all introverts as well it turns out.
Getting time to sort through thoughts, rearrange our ideas and kind of be more independent in the inner world of the mind becomes more comfortable as time goes on.
Glad your knee is feeling better also, as someone with slowly creeping knee pain!
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1100
Coffee. Going to check out how biking to work will feel. Or more exact how working after biking to work feels. Will tell you all later how it went. In the meanwhile I expect you all to remain sober and clean, just for today. I will. There is no alternative for peeps like us. Have as good a Sunday as you all can friends.
Took a rental bike to work from the station yesterday. That was pleasant enough. Love.
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Glad you posted and glad youāre doing OK. I hope one of these days you will feel like youāre able to still go out with girls, not drink alcohol, but still dance to the top 10 and have good conversation with them. And not have any cravings or any triggering. This is my hope for you at some point.
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