Terror. grief. Day of rage and of culminated violence on a large, long scale. Abuse of power comes as no surprise. Dissociated. I felt like a sitting duck. If you know, you know. For what its worth, I think there is a hell and it is for people who deliberately and maliciously seek to exploit the lives and bodies of others.
Would love to be stoned right now. But i wont be. I will be doing my best. Will see my cat. Will be nice to my mom. 2 days off starting tomorrow so grateful for that.
My girlfriend and I said I love you for the first time last night. I was feeling really bad and disgusting from past abuse and she talked me through it. It was a really positive feeling and I honestly donāt know if anyone has ever made me feel so loved.
I spoke to my psychiatrist today and I am changingy antidepressant. I will have to wean off of my current one for 2 weeks. Which is always hell for me. And then I have to adjust to the new one which can take months sometimes. Iām not looking forward to it but Iām really hoping that this med change helps to put me on the right track again. Iāve been falling so far and Iāve been unable to stop myself from falling further. I need a change.
Tomorrow Iām celebrating my birthday with my family. That should be a good thing. but it really isnāt. I really donāt want go into how toxic they are but if youāve seen any of my other posts you know what I mean. I just feel ungrateful because Iām having a little party and I get cake and I get gifts. But I know everything they are doing is a disguise and an excuse for them to say they are good and loving family.
Right now Iām just having bad PTSD. My abuser used to take advantage of my birthday and would abuse me and tell me it was his gift. Iām so stuck in my head and Iām remembering it and itās next overwhelming.
Something positive: I havenāt been sleeping much lately but today I got to sleep until 12:30
Time for evening check-in! Which is apparently my new morning. For the 10th or so day in a row, I have nodded off in the late evening, guaranteeing that I will be awake until 5:00am. I try to stay awake so I can get back onto a sleep cycle, but I just canāt.
While I havenāt had a bad day, the idle time isnāt healthy. Iām not tempted to drink (yet) but it is affecting my self-esteem. My helpers at Valeo wonāt give me any bus tickets until Iām working, and they donāt realize I canāt get a job if I canāt get around town. So, I guess Iām okay for now, but I do wonder how long itās going to last. I get to see Brian tomorrow, which is good.
Everybody have a great sober night (or morning)!
Day 20. Very busy as weāre leaving for vacation early tomorrow. We dropped our dog at my mother-in-lawās and then went to dinner at a restaurant my husband and I have been going to since we first started dating. I have spent 22 years, off and on, going to this place and consistently getting extremely drunk. Today was probably one of the only times I have ever gone here and not drank alcohol, unless I was pregnant.
Iām nervous for vacation because again, I donāt think I have ever gone on vacation as an adult without drinking. I have ruined quite a few trips with my drinking. Itās probably one of the reasons why we rarely go on vacation. My children are coming this time.
The catalyst for me to try to sober up this time was my 15 year old son. He was really mad at me over something that happened because I was drinking. I donāt think I was the cause of it. The way my drunk mind remembers it anyway. Regardless, this was the first time he had said to me that I always say Iām going to stop and I never do. He was very upset and was unable to really talk to me for 2 days. That has never happened before. He told me tonight he doubts that I wonāt drink on vacation.
More flashbacks that were hitting me today were probably triggered by the play date yesterday. My son has had a drunk mom his entire life. I may not have drank every day but I drank a lot. He saw me take a downward spiral after I had my daughter and she was diagnosed with her disabilities. I drank more than I ever had then. I donāt want the last few years of his adolescence to be with a drunk mom. So, ODAAT and Iām not going to drink today. Have a great night.
Please stay close to us and ur psychiatrist as u wean off ur meds. Iāve also had to do that for meds and it was awful, but the med change was better for me. Please come to us if u feel like self harming etc hugs!
Day 695
Current events in the states today are triggering me for so many reasons. Iām so so so glad to be sober today. In the past I have gotten emotional and not wanted to deal with my emotions so I turned to substances. I would have felt helpless and defeated. Instead today I am sober and feeling the waves of emotions. I have a clear head and a purpose. Because Iām sober I can have a plan of action, I can keep myself safe, I can support my friends, my community, and those in need. I will not drink or do drugs today because there is too much at stake.
I know how you feel.
When I was in Japan, and also in Switzerland, there are some really good 0.0% beers, and I do like having them once in a while. Personally, however, I try to avoid the 0.5% onesā¦ I have already sucked down enough alcohol in my life!
Nevertheless, you should do what works well for you. Iām sure that that drink tastes quite nice and I would probably like it! The important thing is that you recognise it for what it is.
Good morning everyone, I hope that you are all well today.
Another warm day here in northern Italyā¦ And another day planted in front of my computer, probably until about 11 PM tonight. Oh well, thatās normal. @maxwell How are you doing?
Iām doing alright, I hit 2 weeks last night, and tonight it will be a fortnight.
Anyway, I should get to workā¦ After all, Iām not sleeping!
Day 559 binge-free. Just checking in because Iām having trouble with my brother who is an alcoholic. Heās started drinking again after a year. A year ago he had 16kg of fluid drained and was on deathās door and now heās back to drinking and very sick. My brother, father and husband are all alcoholics (yeah, I knowā¦) and Iām struggling right now to deal with it all. My own sobriety is not at all in jeopardy, if anything all this has cemented my commitment to not fall back into binge drinking. Just needed to vent.
Checking in at day 296.
Hey guys itās been a while since the last time I was here. I wasnāt sure what to do. I feel Iām not someone to check in here every now and then to share my story without reading your stories. Until the last day I did everything in the fullest but thought I couldnāt do it anymore
I want to be a complete part of this and not half otherwise it doesnāt feel right. The last time my physical health was also not going very well and on top of that I was working intensively on recovery. I really needed that. Both physically and mentally. And it takes me quite a bit of time and effort to translate everything. Some parts I do via Google translate but I always have to fix it myself, Google translate sucks. But itās okay if I have the time. That was my consideration everything has to stay in balance, even everything I do for my recovery. But itās still going very well. I still have an appointment scheduled for the hospital but my physical health has improved very well as I have given myself a lot of Reiki. Mentally I have almost lost the critical voice I had heard sometimes in my head. That was such a nasty voice that I sometimes heard that sometimes said that something wouldnāt work after all or labeled other things negatively. Iāve been working on getting that voice out for a while, but it helps to know that this isnāt my voice. Because if it were my voice it would say positive things. It is indeed a voice arising from an emotion, but in my case an emotion from the past. So I got a strong opinion of that voice thatās talking but against a wall because itās not mine and comes from something very old. So it didnāt affect me anymore so then I went to look at it from a distance without reacting but I thought all kinds of things and realized that that voice was talking nonsense. I got a strong opinion that freed me from negative criticism in myself, great!
I do my best to read back and be present here. But I must feel how it goes donāt judge me if it doesnāt work please.
Have a wonderful addiction free day everyone
My dog has a habit of waking me up at 2am to go outside. Here I am unable to get back to sleep. Decided to check my counter before coming on here and caught a cool number. It reminds me of an old NY radio station from when I was a kid called 1010 Wins. Actually everyday in sbriety is a win.
My heart goes out to you @BrianP. Losing our fury family members is never easy. I know itās easier said than done but you have to feel all the feels. Stay close to the forum during these trying times.
I am so sorry. Your precious family member. Soooo hard. Thank you for introducing your dog to us and sharing some of your life together. You have been through some hard times and here comes another. We all will be here for you. For your sadness, hurt and tears and your success with not drinking. Ask for help if you are about to drink. Thinking about all of you, again thank you for sharing your precious pet with us.
just catching up on about 300 posts and even days late this one needs a shout out, congratulations on your 2 years.
Congrats on the last few days as well
Which is apparently my new morning. 
For the 10th or so day in a row, I have nodded off in the late evening, guaranteeing that I will be awake until 5:00am. I try to stay awake so I can get back onto a sleep cycle, but I just canāt.
So, I guess Iām okay for now, but I do wonder how long itās going to last. I get to see Brian tomorrow, which is good.
