Still clean. I am off quarantine and I get to go to work tomorrow . So I am happy to be doing something. I finished my 3rd step and I feel so much better… anyway I had been wanting to use today bc I was with someone who is close to me and their boyfriend is actively using and was kind of talking about things opposite of recovery and my addict self kind of joined in… I don’t want to do that again , also I saw a drug baggie on the ground and picked it up… just to look… and I knew what it was. I shouldn’t have even tempted myself but I just separated from those 2 after that and went a different way on my walk . I feel better but I needed to tell on myself . Also… I am trying to please my bf who is locked up… kind of mad but I am ok. Anyway, ttyl
It was just like you said. A crazy realization that “this is really me”
Just today I had a big blow up with someone in my family. Our relationship hasn’t always been the best. In fact it’s always felt a bit rocky and competitive from their end and I have never understood it. It rocked me through my core given my grandmas illness and this is really the least she needs to see us go into arguments. It was such a surprise to me to find myself in this situation and it was crazy. It was like an out of body experience. I was trying to understand where all this was coming from, I could feel myself looking at myself and just saying breath and talk calmly. I was able to say what I needed to but voices were raised. I know had I gone through that drunk I would’ve have totally made a shit show, probably insulted my family member and said things I wouldn’t be able got take back. This doesn’t mean that they didn’t deserve a piece of my mind but I refuse to let my energy at this moment be filled with negativity so all I can do for now is let said family member deal with their issue.
I have come to the realization that I like being calm, happy and productive. This argument was completely opposite of where I am.
This type of thing would have been something that I would’ve resorted to drinking for however I am not. I am looking at the situation asking myself what I need to learn out to this experience and allowing all my feelings.
Hoping for a better tomorrow for sure!
Yes agreed! Tho when I met him I was not in a better place myself, I was escorting to support my fentanyl/meth addiction. Quit working for him but very soon after got pregnant and I didn’t even know him very well at that time. I realize when I was using those red flags didn’t occur to me. But I’m glad I was able to turn my life around! If not for my daughter I think I would still be using today. So I feel extremely blessed 
I understand your feelings. I think we humans don’t like change very much. I am just like that too. I feel out of control and it makes me anxious. I know this is probably for the better and you are dealing with all the emotions. Day 1 and onward. You’ve done it before you can do it again.
Much love and strength
God is good and he will see you through this
Michael, I wish there was something I could say to help. There just seems like a lot going on for u. Even though this change is good and like you said, God has blessed you and your family… doesn’t mean that it makes it any easier. Change is scary and hard and sometimes lonely. I am also attached to certain items… things that have sentimental value. Its hard to part ways with them. I know how much ur vinyl collection meant to u 
Just like we take addiction and alcoholism one day at a time, try to take this change one day at a time also. Thats all u have right now… is today. U may have relapsed and are back at day 1… but yay!! You have day 1! And u can get back on track! And all u can do is focus on is the next 24 hours ahead and what you can do in those 24 hours for your recovery. I believe in you Michael. Bcuz I do know that you believe in God, spend some time with Him. That’s all He wants is for us to spend time with Him and to ask for help. He’s waiting at the door for us to answer. We literally just need to ask for help in every situation 
hugs Michael. Hope ur evening is better
I appreciate you so much 
Thank you- I need people like you in my life and you have provided much needed support.
Hi everybody Kat here Day 42 off of alcohol/benadryl relapse and 315 days or so free from meth pills.
Did a Zoom NA meeting tonight I am loving doing a meeting a day again it is what I need.
Adopted a rescue dog from Los Angeles tonight from a local girl my roommate will be primary parent but I will love him too.
Wish everyone a clean and sober 24!
Kat
@DryIn785 With Advil and caffeine, anything is possible! What hike are you doing? I’m getting ready for the West Highland Way in Scotland in September. Squeeee!
Hi 
I’m sorry to hear its really tough for you at the moment, a new job, new area to live, family separate living. Your taking alot on.
Well I’m just glad your back here so congratulations on your day1 the main thing to take from this is jumping straight back on the wagon, dont let a relapse go on for a year or u untill you lose everything to it.
I’m not meaning the stuff you have had to part with.
I mean the fresh start you have right in your lap.
The effort you put in to make these life changes happen, your relapse hasnt ruined that yet and I can see you aren’t going to let it because your here.
Sounds like you really dont have it easy but it will be worth it, give it a few weeks for you to start settle Into this new life, the last thing you want to is straight away make the wrong social circles.
I believe in you, I know you can do this and what your going through right now is just bump in the road and your get past it, you have worked too hard and sacrificed enough to make a better life already.
Hold your head up high and give it time to settle in and you know this is life changing for you.
Believe in yourself and please I’m here anytime if you feel like you need me okay we all are.
I’m glad to see you
302 days going strong! 
Oh Kat what a lovely new addition to your home, it’s so nice to see you posting and stacking up those days.
He is adorable. My dog Polly helped me through a really rough time, it’s so nice of you to adopt him too.
If you need me, dont hesitate to give me a shout I’m around lurking on here somewhere most days.
Congratulations on your 42 days and congratulations on your 315 days
I was going to do Tahoe Rim Trail, but I think I’m going straight for the big one: the Camino de Santiago. I’m kinda pushing it to make it this year, but I’ll have to deal with the crowds if I go next spring.
And yes, I’m taking tons of Advil and caffeine (and potassium for cramps!)
Day 138 of no self harm
I’ve been trying all day to force myself to self harm as punishment for actully opening up to my best friend yesterday without shutting down. Told him some things I’ve never told anyone last night in hopes it would push him away, but it just made him stay more But I can’t force myself to self harm even though I’ve been trying. I just panic. I know that shouldbbe good but it doesn’t feel good.
Yesterday I thought being sick had made me lose weight but today I look heavier than ever. I don’t think I’m gonna be eating for a bit…
I just want everything to be over. Not gonna do anything. But man I wish it would all just end
Thank you for being honest with us. I know this must be incredibly difficult. All I can say is one day at a time. You managed to stay sober before and you can get there again
Why do you feel you should punish yourself for opening up? A basic need of humans is to be understood by someone.
People with Ed have warped perception. You may have lost weight or stayed the same and not know it. And gaining is not in fact the end of the world anyway. Being healthy is more important than numbers.
I really hope you feel something positive soon. 
138 days of no self harm is great! Proud of you for not going through with it when you have the thoughts. Think good things about yourself. I am glad you opened up to your friend. It seems like he was supportive. We “all” have our own stories… and we just try to get through the days the best way possible. Getting rid of harmful behaviors always helps. You are growing and maturing, Give yourself credit for the good that you are doing. (Not harming yourself for 138 days, opening up to a friend).
Eat healthy. Stay healthy. Mentally and physically. You are young and the world is out there for you. Look for the good in it. You are making progress, I am glad you are here posting about your own stuff and also being supportive of others. Hugs.
#Day 1398 
Today I’m going to work again after 1 week of absence because of Covid. It will be a busy week so I hope I’ll manage. Friday I’m off from work because of a wedding. Hope I have the energy for it, we’ll see 
But I can’t skip it.
It’s 7:40 in the morning here. Going to finish my coffee and go for a walk. Have to work at 12.
I’m way behind me walking schedule
It’s going to be very hot today and tomorrow even more!
What a lovely buddy @kat261 
What’s his name?
Are you there yet @C_8 ?
Splitting up your family…that is realy rough @michaeljlogan74 . Are those 2 appartments far away from eachother? Can you visit easily? How long do you have to live this way? It’s for a good cause I saw. We do everything for our kids.
Sorry about all the questions
Checking in on Day 6 and grumpy. Coming on to moan with the fellow Brits about this awful weather 
Woke up feeling hungover (presumably dehydration) but that feeling of relaxing when you realise you didn’t drink never gets old!
I need to move already so no time to tag and acknowledge people, but hope everyone has a good day.
Stay cool everyone from Europe!
Checking in day 82. Just going to bed. Couple of days off of work. Going to spend it in the water. Not much to report. I want to start losing a few pounds but my addict/ocd brain tells me to wait till I’m 90 days off the booze to really start anything new. Anyone else do shit like that? (Needing to start on the first of the month, Monday, new year ect…) anyways, it’s just a plan until I take action. For now happy to be off the booze!