Congrats on the new job.
I could see some of the training being a mandatory thing cause your working with children, but the human trafficking. I don’t get I had to do training on that as well due to my job, but I handle adults mainly. And we had a case here where the trafficker brought his girl to the ED and she looked like shit, one of the guys who spoke fluent in her language as her English wasn’t the best got to talking to her and she spilled the beans.
Congratulations to 4 sober months! 
Congratulations to mind blowing 600 days! 
1174
Coffee. Busy day off ahead with a meeting with my therapist coming up -which is in another town- soon, and my experiential expertise course later. I was slightly overwhelmed with coming to my home thread just now, seeing loads of unread posts. But now feeling inspired and invigorated by all your honest, heartfelt, open, uplifting and true life shares.
I really don’t know where to begin thanking you one by one so a big Thank You! to all of you will have to suffice. Thank you for being on your own roads towards a better happier life, working like hell to free yourselves from the shackles of addiction. Thank you so much for being part of each other’s recovery/discovery. And thank you so much for being part of my personal journey of discovery too.
We can’t do it alone and that’s why we’re here, doing it together. Have as good a day as you all can friends. One day at a time. Sober and clean. Big love from Amsterdam.
Day 312 AF
Wud up, fam.
My oldest son has not been able to sleep these last couple of weeks. Not sure if he watched a scary commercial or what. Anyways, tonight he ended up sleeping by himself. However, our fire alarm kept going off. Woke us all up. Smfh. One of those nights. Now my 3 year old is scared.
Still sober, still fighting the good fight.
Yall have a goodnite fam!
Hi Stella,
Do you have tickets for this event?
Really interesting event!
#Day 1436 
Quick check in from Antalya, Turkey.
All fine, but a bit tired from all the things I do and see. Today a travel day. Toninght we are sleeping in a Airbnb house in a smaller city near the beach. 4 days of chill time and then 2 days of traveling to go home 
Day 34 check-in
Not that tired today! Even managed not to stand up at my regular spooky “break wake up time” around 3 am… Just a few positive thoughts and calming myself… 
Very relaxing. 
I have to establish this somehow as a new ritual.
I used to standup and have a little snack. 
Longer Yoga sequence and swim workout yesterday. Yoga was so helpful!
Swimming with my new swim partner again… Very nice and perfect groove 
Switched mobile numbers yesterday
Not sure if i am ready to work again … I used the time to get sober, I am very proud and my depression is really okay atm. I will have a meeting at my doctor next week to discuss this. Still afraid that the stress and pressure and sometimes nonsense at work will put me down again.
Now I will start my day with Yoga. 
Enjoy your day…
Sending love 
Take care 
Day 338 checking in
Was in Amsterdam last month and the The Haig great love the Netherlands was out in Fuerteventura in Feb , also Went through Edinburgh to see the lion King and Glasgow to see Singing in the Rain .Were of on another cruise in sept on the Virgin cruise line from Barcelona to Corsica and Sardinia and Pisa and a few other Ports in France Italy and Greece, also booked up for Crete End of October , Then new year to Spain when you get sober the worlds your oyster .meet new friends and live life to its full , so 13.140 for this old guy
I’m so disappointed in myself. I feel like I’m slipping faster and faster these days. I feel like I’m losing control more than I ever have. My emotions are everywhere. I hurt myself on purpose which is not a common thing for me.(I did this when I was sober, not under the influence at all) I feel so messed up. I don’t want to be this person anymore.
I feel bad for not being here to check in. I feel bad for not responding to everyone’s posts…I have read a lot, and I congratulate all of you who are doing so well and I’m sorry for those struggling. I wish I had the energy to respond directly to all of you.
I feel like I’m a horrible mother.
I feel physically sick and full of anxiety.
I’m having many obsessive/compulsive thoughts.
This is no one’s fault other my own. I know i need to step up and do the work. I’m really struggling because I’ve been so honest with my husband and he normalizes all of these crazy things I’m going though and I really need to start taking care of myself instead of waiting for someone else to help me.
Please don’t blame yourself Miranda. It sounds as if you could do with some professional help at the moment so take a step back and see what you can organise for yourself.
And keep coming here, especially if your mind is churning. X
Thank you!
Thank you very much!!!
I really have thought about counselling. @Deelzebub, I really do think I need to organize some professional help for myself. There’s a couple of reasons i have not.
Expense is one of them (although I don’t hesitate at all to pay $130 per session for my daughter to see a counselor) so although I hate to spend more money I also think I’m soooooo afraid to admit that I feel like I’m a total mess.
I know I shouldn’t care about what other people think, but I think I’m more afraid to admit to myself that i really think I suffer from depression/anxiety.
I mean that probably goes hand in hand with alcoholism, but for some reason that’s even easier for me to admit. My biological father and all of my half sisters suffer from mental illness and after my mom got me out of that abusive family when I was very young, I’m just so afraid of being a disappointment. I feel like there’s no reason I shouldn’t have my shit together.
I was feeling so sorry for myself yesterday. ‘Summers almost over- I didn’t do enough. I’m so sad I never even made it to the lake once. Blah blah blah.’ Oh my gosh I should just feel lucky. I do have many things to be grateful for. But I was feeling so depressed… Not like drinking is going to help that, but I tried to drown my sorrows. Then my daughter decided she wanted to watch a movie with me. I often hope to do that, but she’s 16 and rarely wants to watch movies together. We found a movie, but I couldn’t stay awake to watch it all. I would have if I didn’t drink. I’m so mad at myself and I feel so sad for my daughter. Honestly, I feel horrible. Then I get stuck in all these thoughts of when she was little and we did fun things together and I just want to go back in time. I want a redo. Gotta get my head out of the past. I know all this, but it’s easier said than done.
The fact that you’re struggling at the moment is a sign that you’re not getting enough support, not that you are mentally ill as such. Depression and anxiety are symptoms that something is not working in your system in just the same way that pain accompanies physical injury.
I know that if I try to keep going when I’m feeling anxious and depressed I will eventually end up in crisis, all because I think I should be able to do it on my own. But isn’t that a bit like breaking a bone but not resting and getting no treatment for it?
What are your plans for the day ahead? Can you make sure that there is at least one thing in there that will help you feel better?
Day 7. Feeling ok today. Trying to make some big life decisions.
Wow. I’m so glad I posted and that you are here for me right now. Your words brought tears to my eyes and I felt such a sense of relief because I never looked at it that way. I would never expect myself to go for a run with a broken leg. I’ve been carrying this weight around with me feeling like I need to be stronger emotionally, but maybe I need some crutches for a while to help me stand while I am a little unsteady. I do need more support. It’s not all my fault. Now I just need to make a plan of where to start looking for some more help I guess. Honestly, thank you so much. You have no idea how your words touched me.
Someone suggested that I actually check in here every day. Seems silly since it’s only the first few hours of choosing to stop after a few month slide back into drinking but here I am. Good morning. Here’s to day one. I’d like to not ever have another day one ever again.
