Day 320 checking in
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Day 11 again 
had a using dream the other night hate them dreams so much but at least no hangover Netflix chill day.
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15 weeks! Well done @BrianP and it looks like you are enjoying them. I certainly am enjoying my sober days.
I think thatās where I went wrong last time, not making a big deal out of it. Not reading and not learning. Thatās not happening this time. Have a good day mate.
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Day 158 of no self harm. TW for mentions of alcohol , grooming, sexual abuse
Other than my tattoo, today was hell.
I was groomed by a man online from at least 16-17 but I think it may have started before 16. I met him on Reddit because I was asking for help on what to do about being sexually abused by my uncle at the time. He started off as friendly and then our conversations turned sexual and he threatened to report my uncle (I was terrified of my family finding out) if I didnāt follow along and send nudes. He then used those photos against me and threatened to post them online and to send them to my family. (I wasnāt even supposed to have social media at the time). When I was 17 for some reason he decided to find my high school and report my uncle, (it led to nothing because I lied and said it wasnāt true) but he sent screenshots with his report. He had deleted most of his messages but mine were still there and I had been saying things about how I was uncomfortable and no one could find out what we were doing. I did an interview with police, and never heard about it again.
I had completely repressed that memory and I totally forgot about everything that happened. Today I had a Snapchat friend request from a name that looked vaguely familiar, so I accepted it. It was him. He went into a long paragraph about how his paternal instincts had taken over and thatās why we hadnāt spoken because I was a minor and what we were doing just wasnāt right. Him messaging me completely brought back all of those memories. I had absolutely no recollection of this event until this morning. I wonder if he was in prison or jail, because if he was waiting until I was a legal adult, heās 2 years late, Iām 20 now. I doubt that someone that desperate would wait the extra two years. He made a comment about how anything I did was by choice, I said ālol you were just a groomer Iām not dumbā and blocked him.
My family was terrible as usual today. My uncle was extremely drunk as usual. Today is my grandmaās birthday, she died back in 2013. We go to church every year for her birthday and her name is always read. This year we live streamed it, so we all watched from my grandpaās house. Since we werenāt physically in a church, my uncle decided that this was the time to make inappropriate jokes during the mass. Iām not at all religious, but I still have the respect and the knowledge that what we are watching is for my grandma, so I would never even imagine being remotely inappropriate. He was so drunk he didnāt care. He was screaming at his wife a little while later in front of everybody with no care in the world. All because she had texted him when they were in the same room. During the live stream, I started crying because my uncle was really upsetting me. I also miss my grandma, of course. I was told to get my shit together and go cry somewhere else. I was the lectured about how my grandma would never have approved of me getting a tattoo on her birthday, because it was sinful. Ironically, my uncle joined in on this lecture, who is covered in tattoos. I want to note that my grandpa is an angel and was not involved in any of this. He has really hard time hearing anything if youāre not right next to him and I honestly donāt think he heard any of it. He would have defended me if he had.
Just so many memories are coming back that I had completely forgotten about. I feel like Iāve been making decent progress processing my past with my uncle, but now I feel like I have this new thing to process and I forgot how terrible the realization that all these things happened to me is. About at the start of this year, I had a bit of an epiphany when it finally sank in what had happened with my uncle. My brain had stopped processing it as such an out-of-body experience, and it started to feel real. I went through that again today with this groomer. It is a feeling I would not wish on anyone.
I have this fear that I am bound to end up in that kind of situation again. And the fact that I had two people sexually abusing me at the same time, for years, is just reinforcing that idea. I always feel gross because of what happened with my uncle, and that feeling has just tripled knowing the things that I said and did with this man online.
Something positive: even with all of this, the idea of self-harm has not crossed my mind at all. I think that really shows how far Iāve grown in that aspect. I also told my best friend about what happened. He was friends with me around the time that I had the police interview, but he never really knew any details other than I had sent the guy nudes once. I told him some things that were extremely difficult, and I sobbed as I was telling them, but I felt like I had to say them. It wasnāt anything huge, it was just the fact that he would make me call him things and I feel really gross that I did that. I am proud that I am not even considering self-harming, and I am proud that I actually talked about it even though I knew it would be difficult. Iām still absolutely in love with my tattoo, although I suppose that wouldnāt change in the span of 10 hours. Itās my third tattoo, and definitely my favorite. Iāll post another photo just to brag because I love it.
Thank you to anyone who reads this all the way through, I know itās really long. You guys are such an amazing community and I really donāt know what I would do without such a great support system.
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Day 218. Had some really tough days the last few weeks, just shows how vulnerable we are, BUT feeling much better now, so happy I didnāt fold in the last few weeks (it got close). Just wanted to share this to help anyone else that is on the edge right nowā¦ this is a hard journey but the light is always at the end of the bad days, stick in there 
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Back again. Late, but still, as I said, reporting back. Successfully did all three things, first time doing it all together in about 2 months. Feeling strong again, and also relieved to be leaving a rough patch
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From next June I think, but only people from blue countries and on tours / with guides.
Congratulations to 10 sober days!
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Donāt trip about the long post. Dang, that dude was nuts.
Cool tat. Iām still debating on getting my first. Thought about getting the recovery symbol. Something small, nothing crazy.
Enjoy the Xbox. And take care of yourself.
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I did read it all the way through. I am so angry what your uncle did, and the man on the internet, and your familyās attitude during the memorial (isnāt crying a normal thing to do at that time? Jesus) . I am sure that that man popping up again unsettled you (to put it mildly) but be sure none of it was your fault.
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āThis naked mindā is a really good book and also āAlcohol explainedā is. Both have much in common.
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Congratulations to 2 weeks of sobriety!
I wouldnāt advise you to drink moderate, because it is total torture.
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Iām glad you have us too and your friend. Your family is not much help to you. Iām glad that you all do get together to do things like listen to your grandmothers name being read on her birthday.
Iām glad that youāre able to see inappropriate behavior in others. You are growing up and maturing. Those (some) around you arenāt and theyāre already grown ups.
Iām sorry you have to continue to be around your uncle. I was sexually abused for a long time between the age of 10 to 17. Step father.
I repressed a lot of it. Then I no longer had to be around him. When I finally did tell somebody they told me not to talk about it because it would make me look bad. It was a long time ago.
I hope your uncle is not still sexually abusing somebody. If there are younger children around you might ask them.
Of course I am very sorry that this is happened to you.
. I guess your age group has grown up on the Internet.
That must be so hard. As far as the groomer goes, Heās trash. You know that. It wasnāt your fault no matter what you did. He took advantage of you. You were a child. You canāt forget what happened but try to get back where itās not bothering you as much.
I am proud of you for not hurting yourself.
I see you becoming more self-confident and taking care of yourself so much better.
As you go forward in your life put yourself first. Donāt do anything with any man ( or woman) that you donāt want to do. Iām primarily talking about sexually but in general also.
Yes itās nice to do things youāre not that crazy about to do to be nice to people but not when it comes to things like sex and touching.
Be strong, be confident. And stay here. Iām glad that you realize that the forum is so helpful to you. Again Iām proud of you and I see growth in you every time you post.
Big hugs. Be proud of yourself for being wonderful, for taking care of yourself, for being able to see the difference between right and wrong.
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Happy 17 sober months! 
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Congratulations to 5 month of sobriety! 
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Day 6 
Yesterday I was really tired 
so I slept alot 
I took it as a day off from everything 
Today I am energetic and grateful about everything happened yesterdayā¦ literally I am not good at telling the situations and details in my day 
But what I know is that I am grateful about the hard times and the good times 
I wish all of you a happy day 
Enjoy 
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Ok cool. This one come on Tuesday. So Iāll check out the other one too.
Day 99 here, although my counter has veered off to the left hand side of my screen and I can only read the last digit.
I have had an extremely sore finger the past few days. I canāt remember injuring it or there being any break in the skin at all. Iāve been waking through the night with the pain. I had it looked at by the pharmacist and was given some dressings and ointment, and advice in case it gets worse. The pain is making me feel worn out but no feelings of illness besides that.
My daughter has had a friend over for a sleepover. I love seeing her entertaining her friend and hearing their happy voices throughout the house.
Itās a bright day here, although I can feel the temperature has dropped a bit. The Edinburgh Festival has started so the streets are bustling and full of energy.
Only one full week of the school holidays to go, so itās a case of getting ready for the new school year.
Glad to be sober!
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Hey all, checking in on day 784. I hope everybody has a good one!
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Day 726
Today was a day of noticing the positive and negative, in people, in myself, in my daily life in general. Lots of small things that arenāt worth typing out. That two year milestone is coming up. I remember feeling excited for one year, and now going to double that!
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