Evening Check in
Day 177
I canāt even describe how busy today was. Along with being hot and muggy outside, I carried a huge backpack full of groceries, with 2 other grocery bags on my arms while pushing my 55 lb 6 year old in his wheelchair on an incline walk while heading to his appt and then back to the train and all the way home. We went to his appt for his 4-6 year old vaccines but he couldnāt get them without his oncologist giving the approval. He hasnāt been on chemo since last Nov but there was a recommendation for him to get the okay from his Dr. So thatās fine. Iād rather be safe than sorry. So we came home. Im so sore lol but I always love a challenging workout. Had to really do my best to not get irritated in Walmart but I managed okay. It was just soo busy. Waiting for hubby now and then will have a late supper and relax. Glad to have another day of recovery under my belt 
Iām really proud of you, Fleur. 
@SoberGuyUSA Congrats on hitting 170; thatās exactly my goal too.
@Misokatsu Iām sorry youāre having a rough day, but two years is fantastic!
@Butterflymoonwoman Thatās a heck of a lot of stuff to carry, Wonder Woman. 
But seriously, I always enjoy your check in and Iām glad things are going well.
Iām feeling a lot better than this morning. Neighbor Joe came over for a while which broke up the loneliness. He came back later with a little pizza which I had to put in the fridge because my stomach isnāt completely ready for it.
I went back to YouTube and switched from The Outdoor Gear Channel to some relaxing music. Thought Iād read āWhen Things Fall Apartā by Pema Chodron. I was getting severely relaxed and couldnāt focus on the book, so I put it down and just tried mediating instead.
And I nodded off. But right before being completely asleep, I felt the deepest and most genuine peace and calm Iāve felt since I canāt remember.
Still donāt know what the future holds, but I think Iāll be okay. Have a great night, fam!
Hi Friends, for anyone that read my previous post, please understand Iām not trying to justify drinking. Iām surprised thereās not more people going through what I am. If thatās true, that sucks for me because itās hard to explain. I hate drinking.
Iām so sad right now because I feel alone. I am alone, I have a chronic disease that causes pain (rheumatoid arthritis) Iāve had it over 20 years. Iāve taken a lot of meds, treatments, some work, some donāt. Iāve had surgeries. They donāt last. I want to live a normal life, it doesnāt have to be pain free, I just want it to be manageable. To be able to function, day to day. Please understand, I absolutely donāt ever want anyone to feel sorry for me. I hate that, I want to be normal, thatās all.
I feel out of place here. Youāre all so wonderful, and help so many including me. But I feel lost. Thank everyone that has helped me, I really do care.
Iām so sorry youāre in pain. But remember, you absolutely not alone, ever. And you are definitely not out of place. Youāre always welcome to message me if you need to talk, okay?
You definitely are not alone. I know a lot of people that have rheumatoid arthritis and I have heard itās very painful. I wish it didnāt exist. Iām sure you know though that alcohol causes inflammation, only exacerbating your symptoms. I mean, I think we all know that alcohol only makes all of our conditions worseā¦ But knowing that doesnāt always make it and easier to stop. I do think that maybe if we quit alcohol longer we would notice improvements. Letās keep tryingā„ļø
Thank you Mark, and I appreciate you. I kind of understand what it is. We all want to help each other, and we all try.
But as a woman, I can say this to help clarify. Sometimes we speak and we want someone to listen, we know everything canāt be fixed.
Unfortunately I know I canāt be fixed (completely) by this forum. Hopefully a lot of people can be helped. I guess I want to be understood, but I also want to help anyone that may feel the way I do. I hope that makes sense.
Thanks Mark! It makes me so happy to read that u found some real calmness in ur evening. Im glad u have ur friend there that came to visit today. You will be okay my friend. I feel it!
I know in the long run alcohol always makes it worse. I want my life to be manageable, I want to be able to live and not struggle as much as I do. I donāt need to be without pain, I just want to be able to do normal stuff and not think about it.
Maxine ur absolutely not alone. I personally donāt have rheumatoid arthritis so I canāt even begin to imagine the frustration and pain and sadness that comes with it. This is way diff of course but I used to feel this way alot with my mental health and feeling alone and not wanting to use drugs but wanting to use at the same time. Canāt live with it but canāt live without it when it came to managing my mental health and addiction. I wish I knew more about ur condition to provide some suggestions. It sounds like uv tried sooo much. I donāt feel sorry for u but I do just feel for u and ur situation. Ur going thru so much right now 
if we lived closer I honestly would come over and pick up Maxās shit for u lol really I would. U belong here Maxine and I hope u never forget that. We all have stuff in our lives that are varying of course in severity but even if some of us donāt understand, we still care about u and want to be here for u. Hugs!
OMG Dana. Youāre my best friend ever
Itās not just women; there are so many times I feel like just being heard. A friend in recovery told me: āYour drinking buddies are NOT your friendsā. He was right. Not a single one of them would listen or take my feelings seriously, as long as I bought a bottle or gave them a place to crash.
You donāt to worry about that here: Weāll always listen. Always.
I really would be there to pick up his 
!! Lol no word of a lie! I actually laughed when I wrote that bcuz ive never said that before and becuz i really meant it I really care for u Maxine and I just wish there was something I could do. There must be something out there for ur condition to ease the pain. Luv u lady! I hope u had a laugh at that too
I did laugh Dana. I love to laugh, I laugh at myself often. I appreciate you so much
Dana, Mark and Miranda. I love you all so much right now! Thank you for being my friend. OMG Iām hearing a Golden Girl theme songā¦sorry Mark
I was waiting for a gif from u!! I love the Golden Girls lol haha ur so welcome tho Maxine! I hope ur night is slightly better
It always is from you I wasnāt going to post anymore tonight, But Iām glad I did
I appreciate you Mark, I donāt want to tag you in my Golden Girl gif. So you can choose from this one. 
Way to go on making a healthy choice! I bet u feel so empowered right now! Glad we are both ending out night with another day of recovery under our belts
Thatās a technique I tried today, too! I felt the urge and went for a run this afternoon and hit the water bottle when I got home.