Day 4 
I went to work, but before that I wondered about the reason that makes me stay for hours on Facebook and Youtube. I really found that it is all about fear. I am just afraid that I will get bored doing nothing so I just keep on scrolling on social media accounts. Maybe if I get bored I would think of something new and important to do.
So I decided to face my fear and the feeling of wasting time on actually nothing only to get myself always busy 
Enjoy your day 
17 Likes
Day - 0
Iām back to be open and honest about where I am. I am spiralling at the moment. Life is very very tough right now. I have no answers about what I am going to try this time, what I am going to do different because the honest answer is I donāt know.
I feel like despite the effort I am putting into life right now I am just getting emotionally kicked.
Iām trying to be kind to myself, I am organising two holidays for me and the kids which should be a real adventure, instead I am stressed and anxious. The flat purchase rumbles on which adds to the stress and I am trying to be strong for the kids but I am just drained. I am all of H.A.L.T.
I feel like I am stuck in limbo and no matter how much I push nothing seems to change. I am anxious, tired and strung out. I feel like I am losing the kids as I have spent less time with them due to the summer holidays. They have always been my constant and without them I am rudderless.
I have found there are therapists in a nearby city that can help with my addiction. I just need to organise it now. But I am so overwhelmed with everything else going on I feel like doing anything else is just too much. Today I have sat at home in the dark, avoiding the heat. It was right for me physically (as I am exhausted) but mentally it was a terrible idea.
I am going to start checking in daily again. Maybe Iāll remember the things I did to get me to my 56 days.
26 Likes
Iām sorry that ur overwhelmed with life and just feeling overall not well 
life certainly can be overwhelming. Living life on lifeās terms is hard some daysā¦ I feel that. U have the ability to stay soberā¦ u have reached 56 days. And itās great to see ur self awareness in knowing that ur experiencing HALT and the factors that are contributing to all of this.
When ever I get super overwhelmed and I feel stuck, I get out some paper and a pen, I literally write down everything I need to do to get back on track (I used to this also after a relapse bcuz thats when things especially were the hardest). For meā¦ I usually needed self care first. I needed to take care of my needs (HALT), so I eat, I sleep, I shower, I talk to others, I journal, whatever I need to do to start feeling myself basically. Then I make a list of things that I need to do for my recovery. Getting back to the basics, thinking of the things I need to do to stay clean or what I can add or subtract from my life to help me stay clean. Then I start plugging away at things 1 item at a time. Routines are great (at least for me lol). Morning routines are crucial for my recovery bcuz they help me to get my mind on the right track. Daily readings, prayer, gratitude lists, TS, online mtgs etc. Have u ever tried a routine? What do you think you need in this moment?
8 Likes
Thank you Dana. I will take that on board. I have a notepad and pen open in front of me. Itās the mental health journal I started a couple of weeks ago.
I love a routine and at the minute I have none. The weekends without the kids are the hardest. I should view it as a blank sheet of paper which I can do anything with but itās just been this big emptiness.
Iām going to do as you suggest, go back to basics. Post here daily and go from there.
8 Likes
I feel ur pain in a perfect world ur rightā¦ ud think that having time for urself would be an amazing adventure filled with all these opportunities. But when ur kids have been with u forever and then u suddenly donāt have them around as much, itās extremely hard to find a new routine. Change is hard Since u say u love routines, I truly do think that having one would help. Iāve been making a new routine for myself also for when I donāt have my son while heās at school. Iām scared about being left āaloneā bcuz what wil I do with myself. But Iāve been thinking of activities for me to do snd itās helping me to feel that sense of control again over my life. Thinking of u and wishing u all the best today 
4 Likes
Oh I am sure you are a mixture of feelings around this!!! I know I was when my little one went to her first day. I was happy to read that the nurse thatās been assigned to him has proper training, it shouldnāt be any other way. Enjoy your day together.
5 Likes
Thanks Dana, your boys first day at school sounds like a big step but you are handling it really well with some healthy positive actions.
I have started to plan my day tomorrow. Iām going to follow your advice mixed in with ODAAT. I will plan tomorrow and tomorrow I can plan the next day (and so on).
Thanks for the advice and support I really appreciate it.
5 Likes
Sounds likes a great idea! 
1 Like
Thank u so much! Iām nervous of course for Monday hut I feel better knowing that everyone is trained properly and he will be safe. Thatās my #1 thing ti male sure of. And Iāve been talking to him about whatās going happen since Aug 1st so he has an idea (I think) of what to expect. Iāve even done some reading myself on how to handle the 1st day of school. So basically not drawing it out and being too emotional bcuz then kids think like something is wrong etc. So Iāll be positive about it and Iām grateful hubby is home as well for this. And I actually have butterflies over this lunch date hubby and I have planned. Strange since Iāve been with him for 7.5 years lol but Iām excited for the quality time
8 Likes
I can read a lot going on in your check in but first of all I just want to say welcome back, super glad to see you here and not giving up on yourself.
Being overwhelmed is such an awful feeling for me and I tend to never get anything done when I feel that way. I avoid everything. What has helped me is asking for help, I ask my daughter, my family, my friends. What also helps me is prioritizing things in order of importance. What looks Iike the most important thing on your list is the one you are pushing aside, the therapist. Maybe if you can get an appointment in line you will feel a little more grounded knowing that you have something concrete in your future regarding your recovery. Just a thoughtā¦
Another thought I had was that I recognized that feeling of my child being my anchor and my reason for lack of a better word. I got pregnant on purpose because I āknewā I could stop using if I was a mom. Pffftā¦ I was lucky I didnāt use during my pregnancy and I think my saving grace was I was getting piss tested weekly. I ended up relapsing because I can not stay clean for other people. I relapsed over and over for 12 years. I am rudderless without myself and until I realized that I needed to get in touch with me and start looking inward instead of grasping outside myself I couldnāt stay clean.
We need to change EVERYTHING in order for this to work, that includes our perspective. Keep trying and keep reading on this forum. There is so much amazing info and different things that are working for different people. Try on as many things as you can some will fit, some wonāt and thatās ok. Just keep trying stuff and eventually you are going to find your magic. Just donāt ever stop trying.
11 Likes
Thank you Stella, I think you are right. The therapist is important to me in so many ways as these last few months have been the biggest and most sudden shake up of my existence ever. It is only now I am writing this that I have realised this fact.
I have found some literature that was recommended on one of the other threads that I am reading through.
Thanks for your support. I will keep being here and I will keep trying.
5 Likes
Checking in on day 5! Still fighting random urgesā¦ but Iāve lifted my sail and on I go, one day at a time!
16 Likes
317
Just getting into bed now. 8pm to read, and hopefully fall asleep.
The pets are all in bed, worn them out with some cat toys as itās a bit earlier than usual were going to bed.
Itās so hotā¦ I live in the basement as well so cant even open any windows at night itās a right pain in the back side.
I am very tired after a sleepless night but il see you all tomorrow, I wish you all well and thank you for being here for me.
I have a difficult week ahead and Iām going in as prepared as I can be to protect my mental health and sobriety and just want to thank you all as just knowing you are all here makes it a load more easier and I know Iām not alone.
Goodnight to you all, il prob be asleep soon if it il be back 
21 Likes
Day 9
I found a bag yesterday while cleaning out the car at the car wash. My first thought was to keep it but then I remembered what could happen if I decided to do it. So, I sucked it in the vacuum. When we were convoying back to our state earlier, all of the higher ups kept coming up to me, throwing praise how I stepped up as a newly montes NCO. That crossed my mind. My wife also crosses my mind. Being bed ridden for almost 3 days crossed my mind. No, more than ever, I have too much to lose.
26 Likes
Day 129
Rock n roll
Itās always getting better
Get those days and youāll see
Take care
21 Likes
Day 4 going to try again
18 Likes
Wow way to go!!! Great work u did there!!
5 Likes
Iām on day 4 again too. Glad youāre not giving upš¤
14 Likes
Thank you
For me it helps to take care of it and also write it in my little daily report sometimes.
We all have another focusā¦
I had a bit of eating disorders and in sobriety I am trying to heal that with not focusing on āgood old weight loss troubleā but on regular eating to give my body regeneration,
eating healthy, but also whatever I feel like.
For me the focus on having a good fitness level and being strong to stay sober is higher then loosing weight atm! Thatās a good process for now.
Glad that you like to read about it 
Take care 
6 Likes
Okay everyone this is nothing new anymore happens all the time right outside my front door but I was fast asleep since 8pm and my son just woke me to tell me someone has been arrested and is laying outside my house on the street, by armed police.
It always happens outside my house Iām sure the police have like a secret hub near mine 
Anyway I had 3 hours sleep and thats it so going to read a book now in the hope to get another 3 hours at least.
Just thought Iād share the shenanigans going on outside lol
12 Likes