TW for mentions of eating disorder, death, alcohol, marijuana (sorry for all the typos I was really teary eyed writing this)
Today has been hell to say the least. Where do I begin?
I woke up this morning to a fight with my sister which led to her having a full meltdown which made me feel terrible. But she was saying that I was mean to her all of the time which is nowhere near true and in fact I spent my own money and bought her a ton of candy yesterday when I didn’t have to. I know it’s not much but she literally says that I am rude everyday and that drives me insane.
I am officially single. I am the one who did the breaking up. We’ve only been dating since april, but the last few weeks my girlfriend has just been a detriment to my mental and physical health. She’s long distance so I can’t really do much in terms of helping her and being there. She is mentally ill as well and has an eating disorder as well. Lately I’ve been asking her for help and I’ve been trying to bring up my problems, but for the last week every time I do that she goes offline. Last night I woke up from a pretty bad PTSD nightmare and she was online, so I asked if she could call me ASAP because I didn’t feel safe. She read my message and then went offline. Also, yesterday I told her I feel like I don’t deserve good things. And instead of saying literally anything else, she said “if you say so”. I would never would have let her talk to herself like that and I don’t like that I felt like I needed the reassurance, but I needed her to say anything but that. The last few weeks she has just not been there at all and only seems to want to talk to me when I am asking about her well-being and whenever I bring up mine she leaves. She has also been drinking and smoking a lot of weed and that upsets me a lot, so I asked her to at the very least please not mention it to me. 2 hours later she responded to that message by saying sorry I forgot to reply I was stoned. It’s not even like she forgot, she chose to do ignore it. I have set that boundary several times and she ignores it. This morning when I asked her how she was, she was making jokes about wanting to die, and I asked her to please stop because it wasn’t funny and I was not in a state to deal with that. She said she didn’t care about her health, I told her I did so at least stop saying that for me because I am not in a state to handle those kind of jokes. She just said no. I ended things with this message:
“This isn’t by any means easy or something I ever wanted to do. But I think it’s obvious we are not good for each other. I’m trying to do my best to help you, but I can’t do that. You need professional help. By staying in your life I’m nothing but enabling you to continue going downhill. This relationship hasn’t been good for me either honestly. I’m not not in a state where I’m emotion availabile or even mentally stable and I shouldn’t be trying to help someone else when I’m a disaster myself. I’ve felt myself going downhill and I should’ve drawn the line when I noticed that. I’m sorry I didn’t. I truly wish you all the best and I really hope that you stay safe and improve. I have to focus on me and I know that is extremely stereotypical, but I think you need to focus on you too. I can’t care about you enough to make you care about yourself, as much as I wish I could. I’m not saying we can never speak again but for now I need to draw the line. Thank you for understanding”
It was really hard, but I think it was needed. I have this thing where when I get anxious or something really upsets me I get immediately very dizzy, and every time she has text me lately, I get that. I wish her all the best truly, but this just isn’t a good idea anymore for either of us. I blocked her on everything after I sent that message because I feel like I would have immediately taken it back if I saw her reaction.
Today was the last day to turn in my assignments for my current college classes, and I was in such a horrible mental state that I did not turn in my final for any of them, I will pass all of them except one though. I get free college through my mother’s work union, and today she told me that Biden has stopped funding that program, so the last year and a half of school is totally wasted and I’m not getting a degree. My mom emailed the union and asked what happens for people who are still enrolled in the program and if they will be able to finish, but considering he stopped funding I highly doubt that so I guess this has all been pointless. There’s just no way I’ll ever be able to afford college so I guess I’m just not getting a degree.
Something positive: today showed me who my real friends are. I was on the phone with one of my friends when I started debating breaking up with my girlfriend, and he heard the tone in my voice change and he talked me through why I needed to do this. We are very rarely serious and he stopped and told me that I mean a lot to him and no matter how much we joke, he’s always there and he would rather help me than have something happen. I spoke to my other three friends (I really only have those 4 I talk to) and they were all incredibly understanding and said that they were proud of me for following through and setting boundaries. I was also actually really relieved once I finally broke up with her, and I was able to eat a meal with relatively no issues. I know that moving on is going to be difficult considering I’ve considered her the girl of my dreams since I was eight, but I guess while I’m dealing with all of this hard stuff I might as well try to deal with the other hard stuff.
Ending relationships with people we still care about is so hard, even when we know they aren’t good for us. Like your friends, I am proud of you! We truly can’t take care of others until we take care of ourselves. Keeping working on yourself and building your life. Again I say I am so so proud of you!!
