Checking in day 702. Found a nice new GI doctor today. Had to discuss my past abuse. Feel shame.
My old boss has terminal cancer. We were supposed to go hang out at a friends house. I missed it and feel guilty. It would have been a drunk fest, for them. I of course, would not be drinking. It would have been good to see him, it’s been years. I hope to see him even though I know his drinking is out of control. I have been in that position too.
Proud of all you folks on here! I think you all are great!
And congratulations @Mbwoman and Miranda on your huge milestones! 1.5 years is so amazing.
Miranda, im sorry your husband and family are not more supportive of your commitment to fight addiction and you deserve better. Thinking of you tonight. On to the next chip! 1 day at a time!
Today I worked, went grocery shopping…and just…am so angry. Im so tired of it. Im trying to get it out through art and poetry.
My work is so petty, we had labor day off but instead of giving us 10h paid time, we got 8 hours of paid time and are expected to work 4 8 hour shifts the rest of the week. So im expected to come in on friday, my day off. Fuck that. Im not missing therapy for that. Ill take the pay cut of 8hrs and Work on my resume and job apps.
Ive been a lump since i got home but will do something soon! The dishes, straightening the floor and vacuuming. Some writing.
Physically so tired. I finished the tofu and got new food. I need to use this cheddar I shredded tomorrow before it goes bad! Regret not getting tortillas.
And like I did last night I will also do 15 min tidying tonight before I sleep.
19 days of sobriety. Spent time playing baseball with my kids tonight. About to get in bed. Didn’t think about alcohol today. Mainly because I’ve just had a really busy day. It’s easier when I don’t leave room for alcohol in my days. Have a good night friends.
Evening Check in Day 204
Honestly… i just feel done. Not done in the sense of giving up on recovery. Just done with people. I just want to be alone for awhile and not deal with stuff. Im trying not to catastrophize here. One small event in my evening (minor argument with hubby), sent me basically in a funk. He apologized of course bcuz he was tired from work and cranky. Im done with the apologies honestly. Applogies mean absolutely nothing unless u make an attempt to improve ur behavior. Im tired of the constant, “Im sorry”, bcuz Ive heard these apologies way too often. They are absolutely meaningless at this point. He just gets annoyed and cranky and gets short with me, apologizes, and then acts like nothing happened. I guess I should be happy that he acknowledges that he did something wrong. Anyway, here I am sitting on the bed after putting our son to bed, trying to stop my thinking from getting worse. Thought id maybe try to get it out indtead of letting it stew in my head Just waiting for the overnight care nurse to arrive and then im going to bed. Hope everyone is having a good night!
Oh dude that is huge!! Cingrats man. Did you celebrate? Maybe a gift, hike, good cry, tattoo or several pies???
I throw weird parties nowadays lol. Seriously though take a min a recognize how transformative this past year has been for you. Idk your story, but i respect the accomplishment.
Ur absolutely right on that. I dont mind it most times but the odd time when im feeling overwhelmed to begin with, I just need a sec to myself. I sense that u totally understand that!
Day 189 of no self harm TW mentions of a friend comitting suicide, self harm, eating disorder and mentions of weight
Sorry to leave you all on such a bad note and then disappear for 2 days. Been pretty sick. Feeling like 80% back to normal. (antibiotics are a miracle) going back to work tomorrow, and then I’m going to see a musical Thursday.
I’ve been a bit of a wreck but I’m assuming it’s because
I wasn’t able to swallow my meds for about 5 days because my throat hurt so bad
Everyone is getting excited for Halloween.
Eating disorder has been bad
I used to love Halloween. However back in 2017 I found out that someone I considered my best friend at the time killed himself. He died on October 28th but at the time my family had taken my phone so I didn’t hear the news until I was out trick or treating with my friends and I asked where that friend was since he was supposed to be there. Since I didn’t have my phone, I also wasn’t told about the funeral so I never got to go. My friend said he’d text me the info, but my dad decided to keep my phone away for longer than expected and I never got the info. (Also the reason he took my phone was because I self harmed) he was 13 when he died. He was so damn young.
When I went to the doctor on Sunday they weighed me. I was 208 pounds. Never weighed this much before. I’m only 5’4. I’ve eaten a snack twice a day (before I take my antibiotics and I take those twice a day) and that’s all I’ve eaten since then. I don’t want to eat anymore. I feel so out of control with it.
Just waiting for the overnight care nurse to arrive and then im going to bed. Hope everyone is having a good night!
