Day 10.
Feeling a bit off today, but hanging in there.
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Itās day 24 alcohol free. Anxiety is finally starting to ease up. I am also sleeping better. Starting to see some great physical benefits of not being drunk every night. Hope you all have a great Sunday.
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Hang in there!
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Day 51 free from alcohol
Day 32 free from toxic guy
Hope you are all doing fineā¦ 
And sober of cause! 
Does anyone know the feeling about being hungry but not having appetiteā¦?!?
And donāt know what to eat. Itās like the opposite of food cravings, but as I did a fucking lot of sports I need energyā¦ 
Hmm donāt know!
Today I would like to write a bit about relationships. And fears.
The guy I quit the on.off toxic thing with, tried to call me Friday. He is blocked, but I just saw the message from the blocking list this morning. Of cause I wonāt get back in contact! But itās not a good feeling and energy that he tried itā¦ After more than 30 days. 
I made another decision to quit with a old friend (we had s relationship once) who repeatedly talked to me in a real bad and inappropriate tone and blaming me! I told him Friday and he even made me feel guilty about my decision to quit!
Itās not his decision how I feel!!
Itās really not easyā¦ But I have the fucking concrete feeling that itās time to really clean up my life and make room for something new. Already started and every step feels right!
Thereās no more room for something like this!
I made a lot of work on selflove and self acceptance, changed my point of view to the world. To be in contact with people not being patient with us, is just not an act of self-love.
I can no longer justify that to myself! Think it will be best way to delete his numberā¦ And maybe block. Although I hate blocking function!
At the endā¦ I am still afraid to be alone to oftenā¦
Things are going quite well with my new swim partner. Season ended today, the outdoor pool closed and we had a final workout todayā¦ And the last few days too 
. There are several suggestions from his side about meeting for swimming indoors or maybe in the river before its autumn, and he even asked if I would like to joyn his private little fitness studio at his house, he build up during pandemic.
He dared to come closer to me even though I often seem a bit unapproachablee. Taff guy!
Anyway, all positiveā¦ I am STILL having anxious feeling that he is leaving me. That I have to be alone. The feelings are very dramatically if they occure. There is not a touch of logical notice that he will!
I will have to talk about this in my group therapy session on Tuesday!
Sorry for all the !!! in this evenings post, itās a bit emotional and challenging, but I have to thank my sober mind being able to reflect clearly and work with it. 
And nowā¦ Maybe some Tofu sticks with peanut butter. Still donāt know
Sending lot of peace, ease and positive energy!
Take care 
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Thank you 
Iām feeling great 
Itās my Birthday 
43 today! Had a great day yesterday sunbathing and playing golf. Another cruisy day today I think 
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Six months is a long time to feel that way and resist! That is huge, congratulations.
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Honestly I think itās more valuable for our kids to see us act imperfectly now and then, but then own up and apologize exactly like you did. It teaches them itās ok to be human and make mistakes as long as weāre accountable for them. I think you handled it beautifully. Just my two cents.
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Happy Birthday!! 
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Checking in on day 457. Went out to dinner with work colleagues tonight. Ordered a sparkling water. No one batted an eye. Going to bed sober and waking up hangover-free tomorrow. I love it.
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Welcome back to triple digits my friend. We have been waiting for you. 
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Nice dbl digits!! Great job.
Day 190. I deep cleaned the whole main area of the house, and vacuumed my stairs. Still some areas id like to do in my bedroom, and maybe can get my car done after i eat. But have worked a lot! And most importantly going to do resume tonight.
Do not miss the times where id be high and doing nothing the whole weekend.
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Ur self awareness seems to be growing with every post i read 
proud of u for holding your ground with the toxic guy. Honestlyā¦ life is way too short for drama hugs!
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Itās good to see youāre able to do more and more when it comes to cleaning 
Proud of you for pushing through despite your funk. And you should feel proud of yourself too
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Checking in
Day 209
Finished work. Was a very quiet day. Walked to the bus stop. Started experiencing sudden anxiety and random thoughts of my past as a sex trade worker. I honestly hate standing at bus stops. I tried to keep reminding myself that, that was then and im not there anymore. It would help temporarily until 3 black trucks drove by me at diff times while I was standing there. Black trucks are another trigger for me. Literally at least half of my regulars drove big black trucks. And the autumn season (as much as I love it in all of its beauty), is also triggering. I honestly dont know why. I wish I could cut off my memory from the ages of 16-30. What good did my ācareerā even do for me? Honestly I try to see the silver lining of being a prostitute, but im not seeing many positives beaides Resiliency.
Theres a woman I know from back home (shes like a sister to me) and she was doing so well in her recovery and not turning tricks for over a year! Then all of a sudden she is posting to everyone that shes back turning tricks again and doing it to āshow men how to respect woman, and spreading love n light to themā. And i have very conflicting thoughts on this. I obviously warned her of the connection btwn drugs and sex work. She wants to do this clean and soberā¦ I was still turning tricks clean and sober in out patient treatment over 10 years ago and it messed me up in the head in more ways than one. I offered her support thru messages in case she needed to talk. I had to unfollow her on social media bcuz it was triggering for me. And i hate to say this, but if I didnt have a family and a husband, I honestly wouldnt be able to say that I would be free from that type of work. And I hate thinking that. The fact that I met my husband on a dating site in 2014 and we clicked so well and began our life together, literally saved me from that lifestyle. He knew what I was doing on that site and Im beyond grateful for him. I feel ashamed right now bcuz apart of me misses that false sense of control, the fast money, the acting, the dressing up, the attention however toxic it was. But I would never go back to thatā¦ ever. Thats not me anymore. I need to cut ties with my past and with my old alter ego. Its like a black cloud that just sort of tags along and then rains on me at random moments. Grrr.
Anyway, im okay now. Just heading home. Gonna hug my family super hard when i see them. They saved me in more ways than they know
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keep trying mate, thatās all I did. No magic trick Iām afraid 
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Huge congratulations on 1 week!!!
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1019 days without gaming
19 days without YouTube
11 days without TV and streaming services
Today was pretty good
We started off by going to my sisterās confession to her church. Itās a rite of becoming a full member by making a promise that you accept God into your life or something.
Anyways, I hate churches. I hate standing in the waiting area where everyone can see me. Especially when Iām accidentally getting third-wheeled by my mom and her boyfriend. And when Iām very conscious of how awkward I look. And how bad my posture is. And this, and thatā¦
My experience with the church is that a big number of the members are judgmental hypocrites.
Doesnāt the bible say: āLet him who is without judgement cast the last stoneā? End of unexpected rant 
Anyhoo, I started off grumpy as we were 30 minutes early. 30 minutes of judgmental strangers staring at me. And I donāt like churches. Oh, woe is me.
When my sister arrived I was able to snap out of that self-pity funk and act like a person who doesnāt hate all of existence
And I didnāt even fall asleep during the sermon 
Had to pinch the living āhellā out of my hands but I succeeded (see what I did there? 
). Why is that good for me? Because I slept during my older sisterās wedding when I was still gaming
After the sermon, I even talked to the good ole preacher who used to make fun of me because of behaviour stemming from then undiagnosed ADHD and autism. I really dislike the man. Sure my neurodivergence hadnāt yet been diagnosed, but it was pretty obvious I was different.
All in all, I pushed away my social anxiety; I didnāt fall asleep during the sermon; and I even tried to socialize with someone I strongly dislike.
After that, I went to work to make some homework. Didnāt do all that much, but I did have some good revelations that Iām not entirely undisciplined when it comes to making homework, but itās also that my brain is telling me to take it easy as Iām exhausting myself mentally. I donāt need to get straight Aās. I only need just passing grades to pass this trimester. So I will aim for that until my brain has gained enough strength to ask more of it.
This evening I was even completely zen. It wasnāt that long. But yesterday I was seeing despair and in need of a hole where I have complete freedom. I took a nice step forward
I spent the entire evening practising for my driving test on the 20th. Even though I canāt practice physically driving until then, I can practice all traffic rules. I was also given a couple of papers showing how to do certain actions. Like parking in certain ways or driving backwards. Maybe all that practice will be sufficient. Weāll see.
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Really productive day for u Jan! I can really see the hard work ur putting into ur journey! Odaat
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