Hi Dana, have you ever had professional help for dealing with trauma-related stress or perhaps even PTSD? Because that’s what you’re experiencing sounds like to me. I have had EMDR for trauma-related issues and they have been like a miracle drug for me.
And it’s a shame that your sister has turned back to her old ways. I can’t imagine how hard that is for you. But I do understand how it brings up conflicting feelings. Gaming ruined my life, but I still sometimes fantasize about being a pro-gamer. There’s a familiarity there. It feels like home I guess. I can imagine thinking about turning tricks kind off feels like that for you. It’s weird how self-destructive our heads can be by tricking us into a false sense of security huh?
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Checking in on day 256 feeling pretty good I’ve definitely had moments that I almost just threw in the towel and said screw it but I’ll tell you what keeps getting easier is thinking that first drink all the way through and definitely taking it one day at a time Those have been my two successors in this battle do you know what I don’t want to call it a battle I wish I had a better word to call it can anyone think of a better word than battle cause I don’t like to think with the negative thought in front It kind of makes me think that I am constantly struggling with it just because I have moments of weakness in my thought process my actual self will is driven 10 times harder oh no that’s all I got for today love you sober time friends
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Instead of “battle” what about using “journey”?
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OMG!!! I LOVE 
IT!!! Thanks 
that’s an Amazing word to describe this “Journey “ 
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Evening Check In
Day 209
Feeliing much since ive been home, ate, and got some things done. The night is winding down and im much more relaxed. Apartment was tidied up, my son was given a bath, we got stuff laid out for school tmrw, and now just putting him to bed soon.
Friday and today were not great days for eating but i didnt beat myself up over it. I have 9 days of incredible eating and exercise this month. 2 days not so great. And now time to get back on track this week. I got a new pre workout for tmrws exercise that im excited to try. Got my meals planned for tmrw. Nothing is gonna stop me 
Just gonna keep at it! Going to spend more time with my HP also. I find that when I connect to my HP, things seem to make sense and the right path for me becomes clear. I think that is what i need to do to sort out the mumbo jumbo in my head haha 
Anyway, hope everyone has a great day/evening!
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Day 34
Weekend is just about over. Except for the dishes and some other cleaning, didn’t accomplish much. Went for a walk this morning. And I’ve been sober all weekend, that’s an accomplishment. I’ll be glad to get my Gabapentin tomorrow. I hate it. Never been proven to help with depression, but you can’t stop taking it or your brain goes apeshit.
Everyone have a great evening (or morning)! 
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Happy birthday!
Now you are the same age as me:blush:(but I will be a year older in less than a month)
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Thank you. I like thinking about it that way, and it makes sense. We can’t always be perfectly calm, although I really wish I could. It’s important to recognize how we wish we had handled the situation, and learn from it for next time. If our children can see us move on and make better choices next time, it can be a great learning moment.
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Thanks 
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I ended up falling asleep a bit after that so I’m doing a little better
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Tonight will be day 194 of no self harm.
I’m getting a little frustrated with work. I don’t get paid for staff meetings, and it doesn’t matter what time I show up for work, they don’t let me clock in until they say so. Even if I’ve been working. Friday they asked me to be there at 8:00 and then didn’t let me clock in until 8:45. There was only one kid but I was taking care of him and I didn’t get paid for those 45 minutes. Now they want me to start opening so I have to be there at 7:00. Which means I have to be awake at about 5:45 if I want to be there on time. I’m worried I’m not going to get paid until all the kids start to show up because we open at 8:30. I accidentally clocked in right away as I walked in on friday at 8. And they changed my time stamp so that I clocked in at 8:45 instead. it’s literally illegal. I love this job and I don’t want to say something and be on bad terms with my boss. I don’t want to be tied to it so my mom is going to make an anonymous report to the department of labor tomorrow for me. It’s not like they’re taking advantage of me being young and inexperienced. They do this to everyone. A girl I work with is 39 and has been there for 3 years and said it’s always been like this. I won’t leave because they’re paying for me to get my early childhood development licensing. I might get that (could take a few months) and look elsewhere. But if I don’t stay with them for 2 years, I have to pay it back.
Last night I had the random thought that I was unloveable and it’s been looping in my head since. Not enjoying it.
I haven’t seen my therapist in a while because I’ve been so busy. Originally I wasn’t going to work until 9:00 a.m. so we had scheduled an 8:00 a.m. appointment on the 15th. Well now I have to be at work at 7:00 a.m. and she doesn’t work weekends. I don’t have a scheduled lunch, I just take my lunch whenever there’s somebody to fill in for me. And there’s no set time that I leave, it just depends on how many kids we have. So I guess I’m not doing therapy anymore. I know I need it, but I haven’t been a fan of it lately it just feels like I’m going in circles. And I honestly don’t want to go through the hassle of finding a new therapist who does potentially work weekends. I guess I’m just going to have to fix myself without professional help.
Something positive: I made a friend at work Friday. I’m going to be working with them pretty often so it’s nice to have someone to joke around with
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22 beautiful sober days! Actually went out this weekend to some small social get togethers and wasnt even tempted it just felt good to be that person that doesnt drink. I was even able to be the designated driver for several other people.
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#Day 1454 
3 days ahead before I get my nose pierced and who did I meet yesterday?
This guy!
Not going to get a septum piercing myself, just a simple Nostril. I think my work can handle a Nostril, but not a Septum.
Today? Work, receiving my new earbuds (bought very nice ones).
Have a good day again!
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That’s frustrating. I hope the anonimous shout out helps.
Maybe there is a way to get your therapist online? So you do not have to travel to her/him and save time?
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I can see her online but there’s not a time slot where I can actually do it
Too bad 
And discuss this problem with your boss? He needs healthy employees so he has benefits with you going to a therapist? You can talk about how you where used to go in the mornings at 8 o’clock.
Hope you will find a way somehow to keep seeing a therapist.
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1192
Coffee. Monday off work. I’m going to have this day totally to myself. No therapy, no course, no nothing. Looks like a beautiful day to ride and that’s just what I’ll do. Haven’t ridden my road bike for some time because I’ve been commuting by bike quite a lot. But the railway strike is over because the unions and employers struck a deal. So will be taking the train to work again.
Have as good a day as you all can friends. Make it clean and sober or nothing will come of it. I will. It’s why we’re all here. Love from my kitchen.
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Day 762
Having to make various hospital appointments lately. A blood check I got because of tiredness and dizziness showed levels of things that may signal weak kidneys, so have to go for specialist check, and my first mammogram was abnormal so have to go back for detailed check for that too. I’m thinking positive that all will be well, but acknowledging the irony that health issues are popping up now I’m sober.
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Awh I’m sorry to hear you had to reset. We are here if you need to talk, to come and vent if you feel like your going to drink.
I know for me, I kinda knew I was going to drink for a little bit before I did relapse. I’d think about it more and more, and it just crept into my subconscious so eventually I’d topple and say fuck it when I was stressed enough. And sometimes it wasn’t a huge binge, so I’d slip into the it wasn’t that bad, maybe I can moderate, and before I knew it I was back where I started, suuuper depressed and feeling terrible.
I’m sharing because I want you to know you aren’t alone Please feel free to reach out if you need it x 4.5 months is bloody awesome, dust yourself off, you got this.
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