I am so glad ur alive and that ur back. Im sorry to hear about ur relapse tho 
sounds like u have a plan moving forward. Yhe in person mtga are great for building that clean and sober network of friends 
that may help with ur sober social life. Big hugs!! Odaat my friend!
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Iām glad you are back at day 3. Iām sorry this happened, but Iām so glad you checked inā¤ļø
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Thank you . All I can say is going back to drugs or alcohol is not worth it . Your communicating that your having unhealthy thoughts and that is really good . Sometimes thatās all it takes. I appreciate reaching out and hope you have a good rest of your day . Stay strong
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Thank you . Yes more in person meetings is what I need . Need to start fresh and not beat myself up . But itās hard to not be looking back right now on what went wrong . Iām just going to get through today .
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Hi! Im in the background mostly but I do speak up every now and then
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55 days alcohol free
36 days free from toxic relationship
Checking in after-work 
Thank you all again for yesterdayās supportā¦ It is really easy if we just share our emotions or cravings and get some support.
Productive Homeoffice dayā¦ I have a very gentle and polite new colleague I can work with in the professional way I like it. Thatās really cool!
Had a walk at lunch and later a soup (yummy)ā¦ And now I come from an afterwork nap and a strength workoutā¦ Naps are soooo healing to meā¦ Lying with myself in a warm cozy environment sending positive energy and holding myself. Thatās soo good! I really feel myself healing 
I researched about about weight loss in a healthy way, also I am professional in loosing weight 
ā¦ But not consistent and healthy.
I will measure my weight on Sunday to have a starting point. I will focus on adding strength home workoutsšļøāāļø, counting my protein level, eating slower and doing more walks and daily movements like taking stairs and so on.
Yoga, biking and swimming is already included on my schedule as I love it. Focusing more on drinking enough and taking my supplements regularly.
Andā¦ Doing all that as an act of Selfloveā¦ And support! Not working against my body and figure typeā¦ But fooor my body and health.
I am excited about my new way.
The friend I want to quit with is silent nowā¦ He is not blocked. Maybe itās okay. Also closing the door twice would be energetically better for me. 
I will have a protein shake with peanut butter and banana nowā¦ And some shirt yoga sequence before I will go to the pool for a late-night swim 
Sending eaaaaase 
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Hi Derek, thanks for asking! Its going a bit slow, but heyā¦ work in process. I contacted an addiction hotline from the local government, and they have given me 2 numbers of local NGOs/ recovery groups. One of them is more for inpatient rehab, and the other one seems suitable! They have to call me back tomorrow to give me all the info about the āwhereā and āwhenā of meetings. To be continuedā¦
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You can also Google AA near me or SMART and it should provide you all the information you are waiting for. What I found in my first two attempts at sobriety was that minimal effort yielded minimal results
I was describing my experience of my first two attempts at sobriety where I really kinda just waited for sobriety to come find me. I would make a call or two to some outpatient places but never follow through. Iād go to some meetings if they were convenient for me. I was usually more focused on all the other things in my life rather than my sobriety. Now if someone sees some parallels between my efforts and hers they are free to discuss that
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Congrats on 2 years, that is huge 
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28 days sober. Feeling hopeless. I turned my whole life upside down this year in search of finding myself and being true to myself. I was after genuine happiness, not just going through the motions. And the whole experience has just wrecked me. Four weeks ago I was hospitalized because I just couldnāt deal anymore. Today, I feel just about the same, except Iām not drunk and Iām not alone thinking about dying. But damn ā¦ I hate my life right now. I hate it.
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Checking in day 142 af.
Have a good one erbody!
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Huge congratulations!!! Very proud of u!!
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Day 97 
Yesterday and today have been really bad. Everything is hard and crap and Iām in lots of different pain. I will get over it. Need to moan about it
As I like to say, keep on keeping on x
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Itās been really rough for me the last few days. Been having panic attacks, severe depression/loneliness, thoughts of hurting myself.
Itās the loneliest period Iāve ever felt. Iām 24, everyone says youāre young and itāll be fine, but I feel like Iāve lived for centuries already. And there are so many problems that arenāt solved by ājust keep your head up and wait.ā
I have no social skills or self confidence whatsoever, I canāt connect or talk to people. I feel like an outcast no matter where I go. It feels like everyone thinks, acts, behaves differently from me. I live alone, do most everything alone, keep to myself. When I have these really strong depressed or anxious feelings thereās nobody who cares enough for me to tell them about it. Everyone has friendships, relationships, loving families, I do everything alone and live inside my head.
I wish I knew how to reach out, be social, and tell someone how lonely I am but I canāt. Iāve seen the therapists, tried the meds, inpatient, outpatient groups, exercise, meditation, booksā¦ The depression, anxiety, loneliness and self loathing NEVER go away. Iāve seen therapists since I was 15, Iām 24 now, I still feel the same or worse.
I donāt know what to do. I feel like I am only in this world because I am, there doesnāt seem to be any purpose other than maybe to suffer. I just exist passively and waste time waiting for the end. If there were an easy way out I would take it, or if anything could make me not feel this way.
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I hear you. I do not have any wise words, but I did want you to know that I read your post, can hear your pain and especially that you matter. I am glad you posted.
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936 days clean 
I am happy I am clean. I am strong and I am amazing!!! I keep getting up when I get knocked down. Recovery is awesome. On my way to Celebrate Recovery 
I am in need of some recovery today. Also, happiness is a lot of good. I love happiness!!! I am so happy 
thatās awesome 
byeeee
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That means a lot. I hope that I can be a positive aspect in these kids lives. I know a couple of them have some rough home lives but even ones who have good parents benefit from a safe salve away from home. Iām so proud of you too
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Tonight will be day 198
I canāt tell if Iām getting sick or if my allergies are just acting up but I do not feel well at all. Not as sick as last time for sure, Iām sure my immune system is just adjusting to being around a lot of germy kids. My immune system is always been weak so Iām sure this is probably for the best.
Been having an okay time at work. Iām working a new shift. Normally I would be there at 9:00 a.m. to around 5:00 p.m. or 5:30 p.m. now Iām opening so I am there at 7:00 a.m. but I get to leave at around 3:30 p.m. or 4:00 p.m. itās really rough waking up so early, but I still feel like I have time left in the day for other things when I get home now. Itās still exhausting of course, but I really feel a bond to these kids. Today everybody wanted to cuddle with me at the same time and they were actually fighting each other just to get a hug from me. Itās so cute Iāll give them kisses on the cheek and they just jump up and down. I love these kids. Even the misbehaved ones, I can understand and sympathize with because I used to be that kind of kid. I never want one of them to feel like theyāre the problem child because that was the worst feeling. I wonāt lie I do have my favorites, but I still love each and every one of those kids.
Iāve been so busy with work I havenāt really had time to feel much of anything good or bad. Which isnāt exactly the best but I will take it.
Something positive: I finally got a smartwatch, when the lights are off for nap time you really canāt read the clock, and I need to know what time it is so I know when to get ready for snack and stuff. This watch will also track stress levels and my heart rate. Every time I go to the doctor my heart rate is 110 to 120 BPM. So this watch will tell me if that is a constant thing or if it is just when I get nervous about going to the doctor. All my doctors tell me itās just anxiety but I donāt feel nervous when I go to the doctor. Anyway weāll see
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Day 194
Well, i just went upstairs to the kitchen and everyone was looking great, about to go partying, and theres a huge case of hard seltzer im offered. It was easy to say no thank you, but i definitely wanted one. Then i came downstairs and realized i had a giant piece of bean in my teeth and nobody told me. Lots of emotions. So i thought id check in.
Lots of grief. Ive been a bad person. A cold, pathetic person. Its hard to accept because my self concept at one point wasnt like, a malicious bad person. But the facts point to that i was just fucking entitled and mean, horrible to know. I wont lie to myself.
Im sad i can never enjoy a glass of hard seltzer or wine again. Im sad i destroyed relationships and my own soul to the point where theyre never going to be ok. Im sad to be other peoples bad memories that they never deserved. And now theres a wall between me and the world. Now the sincere love i feel for people is cheapened, sabotaged. I hate this path. Its just gross.
I have to cultivate the relationships i did salvage. Im lucky to have people still. I need to keep my mind busy so less people get hurt. My friend lives in a food desert so i went and got so many sponges, kitchen goods, dried food for them. I did my 15 minutes of cleaning early before i sat down to make the box. Sponges are too expensive where they are so I got pretty much a years supply for cheap.
I have weekend plans, a lot of them.
It wont make things better. But it will prevent worse things. And a good person will have sponges. And ill have my lime seltzer with cherry juice. And write.
Thanks for reading.
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