I am feeling very grateful right now. I am grateful that the obsession to use has been lifted. I am grateful that I found the courage to walk into the rooms of NA and that I have stuck it out. I am grateful that I am clean today.
25 years ago I was in a relationship with a person with whom I fell to a rock bottom in my addiction. It took 7 years of everyday meth use but I found the bottom. I cleaned up and they did not, instead a few years later they anted up to fentanyl and have been on that ride since. I think about him alot, sometimes I reach out like I did tonight. He doesnt talk too much, mostly just apologizes for the shitty way he treated me when we were in addiction together. The lifestyle that I left when I left him was something out of a bad movie and when I had to look back at that life 25 years later to do my first set of steps it was like reliving a fucking nightmare.
I can only imagine the shame cycle that he is living in, at least I had 12 years of active addiction off the street, hiding in my garage.
I cried for him tonight, when you live like that with someone theres this bond. Its weirdā¦its like you survived hell together. I would give anything for him to have just a taste of what I feel today so he could grasp at some hope. He is hopeless and without hope we have nothing.
Really good post for me to read so thanks for sharing. Iām sorry the day was so hard, but what an amazing journey to get to where you are now and stay soberā„ļø
Iām sorry youāre feeling like this.
I have said these exact statements to myself before. Itās hard to be compassionate with ourselves when we are having these feelings. I try to pretend Iām comforting someone else instead of speaking to myself.
Remember these feelings will pass.
I read a quote like this somewhere beforeā¦
Life is like a piano. The black Keys are sadness and the white keys are happiness. Remember you need both to make music.
Day 4 after completly spacing on checking in. Work kicked up a bunch of notches and I felt like I was going insane but things should be calming down now but weāll see
Early morning here, Iām on my way to work by train. Finally not anxious any more about fridays and the special examination we do then. I do the best I can, I already got feedback that I do a good job there so wohoo
Since yesterday evening something is stuck in my head that needs to be written down and maybe it helps someone out there I donāt know where I got it from:
āCan you change the thing youāre worried about? Yes? Okay, then why are you worried?
Can you change the thing youāre worried about? No? Okay, then why are you worried?ā
Iām glad that you got out. It must be a whirlwind of emotions everytime you reach out, but it shows your kindness that you do. I hope he can find his way too.
Itās Friday, and itās my day off from work. Iāve woken up feeling fresh & Iām ready for the day
Getting to my gym class yesterday has really seemed to of helped my mood. After a couple of days off, I just felt irritable, and I couldnāt put my finger on what was causing it. However, Iām feeling better this morning, and Iām looking forward to seeing what today has in store.
Iām currently contemplating whether Iām going to go & watch the new Black Adam film, or thereās a screening of a Shakespeare play from the National Theatre on later today as well. Either or, itāll give me a course of action for the day & itāll make me feel like Iāve done something productive with my day.
1231
Coffee. One late shift before a real weekend for me. Glad with my day off yesterday. My right foot doesnāt seem too bad but then again I hardly walked on it. It is rather swollen. Well. Iām sober and clean. Ingesting poison never helped anybody to heal.
I had the last session of the experiential expertise course yesterday. I learned loads and Iāll miss the participants. But I am glad about a bit of extra time off before Iām wrapped up in therapy again. Can do with a breather.
Have a good day all. Make it clean and sober. Itās why weāre here. ODAAT. Love from Amsterdam and Guadalupe River State Park Tx, 3 years ago today.
How are you feeling today my friend? Just read your message from yesterday. Hope you feel better? What helps me in occasions like that is having a list with activaties from wich I know they help me. For me that list contains:
Walking (who would have guessed that )
Writing in my diary
Venting here, like you did
Working out
Taking a hot bath
Cleaning my house (I do not like to do it, but when itās done I feel so much better!).
I made that list for myself on a good day so I looked at it with more open possitive mind.
I have it on a piece of paper so I can get it and read it when I need it.
Again, hope you feel better!!
Ps, I know itās difficult to do anything when feeling down and anxious. So what I do as well is journaling how I felt afterwards. I tried multiple activaties and kept those who has helped.
Day 4. Up at 5am with a migraine. Slept horribly. At least the itching has eased up. Really worried about getting through the weekend sober. Trying to plan stuff to do but with my depression I donāt feel like doing anything. At least the weather is supposed to be nice so I can go walk. Thereās a great nature trail not to far from my home. I just struggle sometimes with the motivation to actually go. For now Iām just hoping my meds and a little coffee help my headache. I have a couple hours before I need to start work.
I donāt know where I got it from:
)
Slept horribly. At least the itching has eased up. Really worried about getting through the weekend sober. Trying to plan stuff to do but with my depression I donāt feel like doing anything. At least the weather is supposed to be nice so I can go walk. Thereās a great nature trail not to far from my home. I just struggle sometimes with the motivation to actually go. For now Iām just hoping my meds and a little coffee help my headache. I have a couple hours before I need to start work.