Still day 3. Just finished work for the day. I work from home so that just means turning off the computer and work phone. Trying to visit here now since this is when I would start drinking. Headache is better than this morning. My anxiety is better than I was expecting. My resting heart rate is lower than when Iāve been drinking. I just itch! I saw that can be caused by alcohol withdrawal. That worries me. Iām prepared to call my doctor tomorrow if not better. I have an appointment scheduled for Monday anyway. Now Iām going to find a show to watch while I crochet.
Yesterday was rough. I think I had an emotional hangover from my EMDR session. There were tears and bursts of anger throughout the day. Thank God I was busy at work and didnāt have time to marinate in my shitty feelings for any long periods. I had a long talk with my boyfriend about it last night and was able to just spill my guts for a bit. He doesnāt attempt to act like he understands but he listens and cares and comforts me. And that helps more than he knows. I woke up still angry today, but to a much lesser extent.
I was off the majority of the day so ran about a million errands. Did some shopping for something to wear to a friendās wedding Saturday. I hate shopping for clothes these days. Iām 20lbs overweight, completely out of shape and just feel like I look disgusting. Nothing I can do to miraculously change that between now and Saturday, so Iāll do my best to camouflage the fat
I am fighting off sleeping any until time for bed. I know thatās my depression and grief sneaking in. So Iām off to find a podcast and be productive for an hour. Distraction is key for me! Hope everybody is having a peaceful sober day!
Day 817
I was loading up my 4 year old into the car when I think I hear a skateboard, I turn around and itās not a skateboard itās my babyās stroller rolling away down this big hill!! OMG I dropped everything, the diaper bag and even lost my shoes while running as fast as I could to catch her. Thankfully I caught her stroller before she hit a big curb and then ran into a fence. (Luckily the parking lot was empty!!!) phew. But I got in the car and my mom was super quiet on the drive home. She finally said āI thought you quit drinking.ā Iām like I did! Iām at 800 and something days. She says āThen what were those little glass bottles rolling out of your bag??ā LOL I had to explain that they were maple syrup. Apparently, my poor mom is still traumatized by my drinking. I had little glass bottles of syrup in my bag! I guess my new addiction sort of is pancakes. Sober life is going okay! I miss you guys and miss this place!!
Congrats @Dazercat and @I.cant.We.can on 1000 days!!! Iāve been thinking of you guys. Super proud!! Hope all is well.
Early Evening Checking in Day 249
Cant describe in words how Im feeling today. Today went really well and im feeling very blessed for an everyday ānormalā life. I guess im being introspective.
Besides an amazing workout this morning, we were able to get our wifi fixed with a different modem (slightly older brand but should be more reliable). I was able to score a really good deal on unicorn cake sprinkles at the dollarstore for my Icing Smiles cake. Came home to my delivery which was on time. Then i had time to kill so i straightened my hair a bit and tried on a diff color eyeshadow (which I didnt really like but still lol). The fact that im even trying to take care of my appearance again is huge for me! To me its very much self care. Being a mom to a medical kiddo and just being exhausted alot and couldnt be bothered with makeup or doing my hair, was one aspect of my self that I lost in a sense. I feel good about making that effort today. I attended a work zoom mtg for 45 min (got paid for 3 hours lol so yay!!). I then prayed to my HP and just sat for a few min meditating. Later I will be attending a zoom mtg for Parent Council for my sons school. Never have I ever done this so have no clue what to expect. But will join and be involved. I am grateful for such the smallest things in life. I will never ever get tired of the gratitude I feel towards having a ānormalā life. I have never known ānormalā but recovery has gifted me with this. I cant recall what ānormalā is like and have nothing to compare what im experiencing too. But im guessing this is ānormalā daily living. Its new to me and Im blessed. Where once my life was dramatic, toxic, & chaoticā¦ this child of chaos is definitly not that anymore lol grateful for that too!! Hope u all are doing well!!
Hey all. Checking in here to celebrate a workout goal! I started swimming laps in the pool in January and today I easily swam a full mile! I never could have done that when I was drinking.
Sobriety and my workout goal and my teaching job means I go to bed early. So this morning I woke up naturally at 4 am, did my morning things, and was in the pool at 5:31 this morning. I got that mile done in a little under an hour, went to work and taught like mad all day. I ate a steak to celebrate and came here to share the good news.
Iāve always admired people who could get up and do a thing like this. I am fortunate to have gotten to this point. And I did a lot of work to get to this point.
Started chantix a couple days ago and the doctor warned me of the nightmares side effect, but Gawtdamn was last night rough. Sleep in general has been tough the last few weeks. High stress at work, busy ass social calendar and two high energy kids.
Lack of sleep is one of my biggest indicators of potentially large mood swings. Therapy and the 10th step of AA has taught me to recognize this long before anything happens so then I can use my coping mechanisms to right the ship. But it doesnāt always work right away and today was definitely one of those days. Used up all of my patience and energy in keeping a level head. I was successful but Iām left with a headache and exhaustion.
So anyway Iām going to bed sober and in a good mood because are the only things I can control.
Congrats on your recovery my friendā¦ love being a part of your journey. Fuck, yah know there were days that I was praying and praying and praying for you. I am so damn proud of you, happy for you. Love it.
Day 12
Hey, all! Work was unusual. Donāt want to vent to much, because my problems really arenāt that big in the scheme of things, and also Iām not real sure what is wrong. Iām doing better now than I have in almost 6 months (in spite of my recent reset). I feel like Iām almost adulting.
So why am I feeling so irritable and anxious? I did have burritos for dinner, which calmed me down a little. But I donāt want to get into comfort eating, because Iām already obsessing about my fat. Iām a little worried Iāll never go backpacking again, which is the only exercise I actually enjoy.
About to watch āThe Wayā, great hiking movie, spend 15 minutes doing dishes, and crawl into bed. Yay for Fridays!
Gānight, sober fam!
A couple of regulars remembered me from earlier meetings Iād attended a long time ago. Shared a bit of my story. Left out the mental illness part. Not ready to share that with anyone yet. It felt good to share. The meeting happens in the evening - my usual drinking time. So itāll help keep me distracted. Maybe Iāll go again today.
@Leveller@KarenKW letās be sober buddies. Kind of like gym buddies. Help keep each other on track and a bit of healthy competition. Sounds good?
Checking in on my 46th day sober. Had my second session with my new therapist (itās already feeling like a great fit and very helpful), now working my 12 hour shift. Nothing super notable.
I know I have changes to make (namely ending a long term relationship, where we own a house together. I somehow managed a year sober while he was actively still in addiction, but thatās not what I want for my life anymore). Anyway, all in due time, just venting a bit. One day at a time, and so, so serious about my sobriety this time around.
The struggle was real today. So much stress, and anger, and crying. The urge to go get a bottle of wine was powerful. And it hung around for a long time. I was already out of the house and knew I was gonna pass a few liquor stores on the way back to our place.
Ultimately I told myself to just go home and if I still felt like wine was the best choice for my state of mind at 9 (a few hours after I got home, and had time to eat diner, and figure out a way to occupy myself for a significant amount of time cause Iām terrible at just sitting around) I could get back in the car and go get a bottle.
Long story short at 8 I couldnāt have dragged myself out of this house if wild horses were pulling me. Dinner eaten, shower taken, comfy clothes on, and a relaxing activity is underway. Iām still stressed but it seems so much more manageable now. My sensory and emotional overload had time to simmer down. I donāt know if this is a dangerous strategy for me but itās worked every single time so far so I guess Iāll just keep going with it.
Itās worse if I tell myself no you absolutely are not doing that. Cause it triggers this trauma response where I feel controlled and then ALL I want to do is do the thing Iām not being allowed to do. I ruminate on it. I feel more stressed and more pushed to go get the wine if I tell myself hard no.
I donāt know if thatās weird. If I say you have choices. Is THAT the one you want to be making? Take some time to simmer on it and make sure youāve exhausted all your other options for regulating first. It gives me enough time to do all the other things that are good for me and then my choice is no. I donāt want to drink after all. Hereās to making it another day. Iām really proud of how I handled that. For a minute I thought this was gonna be the day that broke me.
Early Evening Checking in 
Hope u all are doing well!!
oh and maybe a few of my own. Thank you.
Work was unusual. Donāt want to vent to much, because my problems really arenāt that big in the scheme of things, and also Iām not real sure what is wrong. Iām doing better now than I have in almost 6 months (in spite of my recent reset). I feel like Iām almost adulting.