Dealing with just feeling like crap. Had bloodwork done and saw my doc yesterday. Starting some new medication so hopefully that will help. Being sober i look back and see how i would have made such different decisions about major life stuff. But i know i cant dwell on the past and just need to make sure my future is crafted with good decisions and to seek happiness and contentment. Its hard though. What if? Oh well, too late now. Being sober is truly a new way of life and its crazy the dumb things i did in the past because of booze and being in that headspace.
Well, itās Saturday and people are in a festive mood because of College Football. Tailgating and watching college football seems to be all about the alcohol. So many beer commercials on TV. It is hard to watch football and not think about alcohol. So many things are associated with alcohol in the U.S. Football. Holiday season. I have to protect myself.
Disappointing news that my furniture got pushed back until Monday/Tuesday. So stressful. Iām having a hard time. Reading each otherās posts makes me feel better.
Hopefully time goes quick as Iām waiting for my son to get off of work. We will be going to the beach this afternoon. Being alone is very hard. Loneliness killsā¦oh Lord, please help me-
I should go for a walk to get my mind off of āstinking thinking.ā My thinking really is not positive when Iām alone, bored, scared, sad or lonely.
@HeyImKris - how are you? Iām lonely and anxious. Thought I would check in. Hopefully, you are doing better than me. We are still sober mates. Same time sober!
Hi everyone. Ive had a few ups and downs this past week, as I do every week. As we all do every week.
A few online smart meetings have helped me which i never thought i would participate in. Unfortunately thats it until monday. I have heard that there are 24hr AA meetings online also. So i might have a look at them tomorrow.
As far as today goes, its dark outside the lights are off inside I have my fire on, my feet up just relaxing looking into the fire and reading on my kindle
Perfect.
If u havent downloaded the Intherooms app, that might be an option for you for 12 step mtgs. Thats what i usually go on when i need to. They have a variety of 12 step mtgs online at various hours. Its quite good! Theres usually always a mtg going on hope u have a great evening!
2 things.
Thing1- oh man I had a move like that. I donāt know the whole story of your furniture but ours was literally held hostage by a moving company that was trying to gouge us to get them to actually deliver it even though we already paid. It took over a month to get it and I was like just keep it. Iād rather live in an empty apartment than let you win! Lol. I know itās really hard to not have your stuff.
Thing 2- my therapy lady told me once that if youāre having an intense emotion like anxiety or loneliness a good way to snap out of it is āopposite actionsā this might help you. Look at you body. Howās it sitting? What are you doing? How is your breathing? For me frequently I would be excessively still, very tense and balled up, and shallow breathing. So Iād start with like sucking in some big breaths. Then Iād stretch out like a starfish really stretch!!! Then Iād go in a walk around the block and 9/10 times Iād be in a different headspace within 10 min.
Takes a while to start catching it and putting it into actions but after a while it becomes second nature. I hope this helps. Good job on another sober day.
Checking in Day 222
Loving the clean day number today lol its very soothing in an odd way
I am feeling tired today but I did get to work. Very quiet day today at work as my client went home for a family visit. So its literally me in a quiet suite doing some tidying up around here, laundry etc. I have been feeling down about my mom and her situation. She is pretty depressed and confused right now about her marriage to my dad. I wont go into it too much but shes missing that passion in the relationship. She is also about to start DBT (my mom also has BPD like myself) and shes been having alot of 1 on 1 therapy beforehand. I think stuff is coming up for her. But im finding myself having a hard time being supportive (i know thats awful to say). Everyday we chat and she asks for advice or my opinion on things and i help her in the ways i know how thru what ive learned over the years. But im struggling to not let this effect me mentally. It bothers me. Brings me back to my childhood when she would get upset about her and my dads relationship or about other things and then confide in me. Heres little miss counsellor 30 years later doing the same thing i was at age 7. Im sure this sounds awful but her mental health does effect me in a way. Idk. It really is not my role/responsibility to fix my moms relationship. Just like it wasnt my role as a child to be hearing the stuff i did about my father. I can be there as a support for sure but i may need to back off a bit so that im not jeopardizing my mental health. She also has some support now and will be starting DBT soon so there will be help for her in that sense too. I just havent seen her like this in a very, very long time so its worrying me honestly. I worry about something bad happening (which i wont mention). I want her to know that im always here if she needs to talk about stuff. But i guess im struggling with boundaries on what is and isnt okay. Idk im confused.
Recovery wiseā¦ im good. No issues there. I actually prayed this morning on my way to work. I needed that connection
Health wiseā¦ so far today has been good. Have been eating healthy at work and not going into that toxic relationship with food due to my tiredness or emotions.
Hey there. Thanks for checking on me. Still sober. 37 days. Life is about as shitty as it could possibly be. But ā¦ Iām here. Taking my meds. Seeing my therapist. Going to my doctor. Holding on as tight as I can. One day at a time, right?
Checking in.
1,000 days substance free
520 days self injury free
136 days sugar free.
Service keeps me clean today.
Edited: I felt like that was too vague, I will explain how service keeps me clean.
Sponsoring women and going through the steps with them shines lights on my own recovery, character defects and assets.
Sponsoring women who work their programs differently show me in black and white what works and what does not.
Opening my homegroup gets my ass to a meeting even when I am not feeling like being around anyone.
Doing service work with area and becoming a part of H&I (hospitals,detox and jails) helps me work through massive resentments I have with the opposite sex. Sitting with them in a circle, humbly as addicts in recovery is the most powerful way I could ever see being healed for those crimes against me.
Speaking at speaker meetings pushes me past self obsession into a level of humility I had not yet experienced.
Giving up my service positin at homegroup level to another addict so that they can also stay clean keep the circle of healing going.
I would not have the life I have today if I did not continue to give away what was so freely given to me.
No way girl!!! Oh my god. I am so beyond grateful for not missing ur 1000 day mark substance free! Ur in the 4 digits now! Very proud of you! As i am for your other achievements that u listed! I am just BEYOND proud of you! Big hugs!!!
Checking in on day 400. Got home at 1130 from work last night. Me and the wife fought again before my boots were off. She went right to bed. We both had stuff to do this morning separate and weāre fighting as soon as we woke. We finally got down to the details and it was said that neither of us are happy and we agree it has become toxic. She agreed to help with the move if thatās what we decide to do, but I agreed to couples counseling as long as the sole focus on the appointments was not my alcoholism. I know it will be brought up and should, but we are trying to move forward, not dwell and I donāt think it should be all about my drinking as we have many many other problems unrelated. But it was relieving to actually talk it out instead of arguing. And we came to a solution which we havenāt been able to do yet. Also have a job interview coming up next week for a CASAC position, my schooling will finally pay off and I may get a position Iāve been waiting for! But still have to tackle the interview! Hope everyone stays safe and takes care.
Congratulations on your 400 days I hope you and your partner can work things out. its great that you have both spoke about you relationship, thats moving forward in itself as there isnt arguing.
@Its_me_Stella huge congratulations on your 1ā000 days that is amazing, so nice go see you see you celebrate this brilliant mile stone
Congrats on 1000 days!! Being of service is a fantastic idea and I can see how that would help yourself just as much as others. Iāll be goad when I get to a point where I have something to give back!
Day 1362
After a very, very, very long time i had a dream about drinking: At a special occasion i was offered a drink and thought:" Ah, ok, no worries. I did not had one for such a long time. One is ok" Afterwards i felt really uncomfortable.
That was more or less the end of dream.
I will take this as a reminder to always be aware what to do and ānot just have the first oneā
really proud of you
hope u have a great evening!
hard work well done. 
I hope you and your partner can work things out.
its great that you have both spoke about you relationship, thats moving forward in itself as there isnt arguing.