Thanks for sharing your story and your journey. I’m glad you’re here. I don’t have any advice for getting your brain to just shut up about it already. I’ve sobered up a few times over the last few years and it always went pretty easy and incident free and then a moment crops up where my brain or an outside person convinces me I can have a glass of wine and be fine. And tricking enough. I am fine with that for a few months. And within 3 months I’m just trying to get obliterated. So this will be the first time on this journey that I’ll really know better when that voice comes around. That no. It won’t be just one. And yes it will be a problem in a few months. And I’ll need to resist it at that point cause Ive been through the few iterations of how I could “moderate” amd they do not work for me. I’m just not one of those people who can do that. I have enough mental health struggles without throwing a flaming bottle of booze into the mix to Jack me up worse.
I wish I could offer some sage wisdom. But as I’ve it that point twice and went yeah I can definitely have just one. I don’t have any real useful skills to offer up. Just know that I get it and I know you’re stronger than that stupid brain tickle.
I am halfway thru organizing my desk and clothes. My laundry smells bad bc i threw my work clothes in with my regular clothes. I dont want to waste water or have 2 slowly filling baskets with work clothes but i need to change my strategy.
Im going to just type a cover letter in notes app. At least im partly through and i can do another post. Im trying to find the right podcast for my mood and just cant.
Yk what i allowed myself to play some music! Random nice stuff on spotify. Planning 2 small trips, relatively covid safe.
I am going to try and stretch. If im going to treat my body like a thing im going to at least do basic maintenance. I do have a purpose in this life, I do. I keep telling myself that.
Yes your absolutely right. My god i never want to go back to what those early days were like. Thats motivation in itself along with having to reset that timer… nooooo. Drugs have taken so much away over the decades that im seriously not getting on that merry go around again. I think a big part of my journey right now is getting rid of that fear of failure. In the back of my mind, i sometimes wonder… when will i mess up?? Ive been seriously trying to get clean since the age of 21 and i have had various amounts of clean time but something always took me back out… which usually had to do with having 1 foot in my past life and not completely letting go of old ways. I have let go of everything this time and stepped full force into recovery. I want to stop feeling like i might fail. I feel like my mind is sort of trying to self sabotage me. Telling me its impossible for me to remain clean and sober. My heart tells me that im on the right path. But my mind is wondering when im going to fail. But i have to remember that, that isnt true. Im doing so many things diff this time and i love the clean and sober lifestyle. I think i need to meditate or something and quiet my mind for a bit haha
Thank you for sharing about ur experiences! Its always a nice feeling to know others can relate (altho i also wish u didnt have to experience that nagging voice). I remember in the 12 step mtgs that i used to attend, they said the problem centers in our mind. Our mind lies to us constantly when it comes to addiction. So i often think of that when that voice pops up. Its a lie and i know where this will take me if i act out and use or drink. Im glad that ur becoming more n more aware of those thoughts and what they mean now i used to always try to deal with them on my own. That never used to end well honestly. But now i always come on here n talk about it. And honestly it has helped already! I dont sense those thoughts anymore when u get those thots again, come on here and remember ur reasons why u quit in the 1st place (i wrote them down and carried them with me). I know the next time thar u get that voice, u can get thru it too
I’ll definitely come here. I think the problem
Is I go to friends and family and they are like “yeah you don’t have a problem you were always fine you can drink” because they didn’t see it or didn’t know how it made me feel. They think it’s only a problem if you are losing jobs and wrecking your car or emptying your back account. Not if it’s more subtle and nefarious. I need to come here where people get it.
U arr absoutely right! Everyone has their own rock bottoms and not everyone has to lose everything to be considered an alcoholic or an addict.
At age 21 going into NA, CA, and AA… i remember comments being given to me about being too young to be an addict. Little did they know that I knew at 16 years old that i was an addict. I just knew they had a hold on me. I felt it. Who were they to tell them that i was too young?? lol But just like urself, YOU know ur an alcoholic (well recovery alcoholic now ) and you know what you need to do for you to stay sober and healthy and to live a good life. I understand its hard with family and friends. They can be very convincing and they seem to know exactly what to say and what buttons to push to convince us otherwise. But stay true to YOU! Hugs!
Day 9 almost in the books and hitting my pillow sober again tonight. Had a good camping trip, the first camping in my adult life sober. Definitely had a few urges but nothing I couldn’t bear. First time packing up everything eith zero hangover was pretty awesome. Didn’t sleep well due to bad back issues but I knew that would be an issue. Looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight. Haha. God bless everyone. I hope y’all are all having a amazing days and had awesome sober weekends.
Your Art exhibition sounds brilliant…and so do your brownies .
All my mums side of the family are Scottish and I lived up there for a couple of years when they were going through a messy divorce. I always remember my auntie shouting at her eldest daughter ’ get ben that scullery and get they messages put away’
A packed lunch was a ‘piece’ I still love the plain bread and fresh rolls. Cant get anything like them here. I always stock up on them.
#Day 1468
The performance of our band yesterday went ok-ish. Not bad, but could be better.
I forgot a part I had to play so faked it (drumming very soft so nobody hears I’m playing something different )
I had some friends watching the performance and they didn’t notice. Even my band didn’t notice So I’m a good faker
Today? Work.
Getting a bit depressed by all the bad news I read in the papers. The war, the climat, energy crisis, refugee crisis, poverty, etc. It makes me sad. Mabe I have to fake today I’m so happy?
Picture from a lady who was in the news here in the Netherlands showing how she warms up her house with some tea lights and a terracotta flower pot to save money.
1206
Coffee. It’s my weekend again. Had a workday yesterday as I wished they all were. Some really good talks, both with patients and with colleagues, no aggression whatsoever. Biked to and from work too. Notice as the weather gets cooler it takes more energy to do so but I made it home alright. Hoping for more days like that.
Today I’ll take it easy. It’s wet and cool and grey outside so not too much to look for there. Well, actually I’m going to a museum close by (The Hermitage) that used to be Russian owned but since the war started has new ownership and an overhaul. Museum season has started
Have as good a day as you all can friends. Let’s make it sober and clean for starters. It’s why we’re here. Love from my commute yesterday. I just stayed ahead of this shower all the way in to work. Good incentive to have a bit of speed.
Checking in after a relaxing weekend and before a busy two days of work before my surgery. I’ll be out of work for 3 days, which has me very stressed about finances. But I think I’ll be ok. I’m hopeful I’m not too sore or in too much pain, as I have a very busy Saturday next weekend.
I sat with some friends at a restaurant and watched some football. Everyone was drinking except me. For the first time in 87 days, I didn’t feel at all weird about asking for my water instead of a beer or a mixed drink. I’m starting to almost feel a little bad for people who can’t seem to have a good time out and about without a drink in their hand. Definitely their loss.
) and you know what you need to do for you to stay sober and healthy and to live a good life. I understand its hard with family and friends. They can be very convincing and they seem to know exactly what to say and what buttons to push to convince us otherwise. But stay true to YOU! Hugs!
)
So I’m a good faker 
