Checking in
Day 240
So i wrote a long winded checkin recently and decided to delete it. It was basically me venting over something I have no control over. Completely pointless to fret over.
So besides that… how am I really doing?
Honestly… idk. Im fine i guess. I dont feel myself right now tho. Not at risk of using or anything but mentally kind of in a funk. Ive sat with my feelings trying to label them.
I feel anger and resentment over my mom and what shes doing
I feel jealousy over my friend who just seems to have her shit together with her n her family. Shes able to do the things that i want to do (like travel etc) and im envious
I feel lonely bcuz of my lack of friends and family who i can truly talk to. I feel stuck in my head.
I guess thats it really. I was fine this morning. Had 2 medical appts for my son. And then my mom msgs me about what shes doing that I dont agree with. Then my “friend” who always, always leaves a conversation mid sentence and doesnt reply back for literally a week, msgs back and talks about what theyve been doing, travelling, hiking etc. I do get jealous bcuz we cant travel etc due to my sons condition. But i truly am happy for her. Just wish there was a way we could fulfill our dreams (my dream I guess) to take a trip somewhere. Id love to go to Ireland or Scotland or some place like that. I am always comparing myself to her and her caring husband and healthy son. Im feeling myself go inward. Just tired in general of being strong. My entire effin life has been a damn struggle. From issues in the home as a child, to mental health stuff, to drug addiction, to prostitution, to domestic violence, to rape/abuse, to now recovery and now caring for the most important person in my life (my son) who has brain cancer and really has no prognosis. Im tired of struggling and being strong. But what choice do i have… really? I dont have one. I want a good life for me and my family. I just dont understand why things have to constantly be hard. Theres only so much I can take. The only thing all of this has really taught me is how to keep getting back up and how not to sit in my shit for too long. Cuz what good does that do? Today is just a day. Im tired and sad. It is what it is. It will pass. Other than recovery idk what i want out of life. I feel sort of lost almost. Idk. I think things come down to acceptance. What dreams or goals of mine are realisitically able to happen for me and my family. Maybe im grieving what has been lost.
I feel like you are writing a lot about me too.
Fight or flight. Keeping busy. Just getting through it because we can. We are strong… But when we stop, it all comes crashing in.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.
Self awareness is so key to the next steps, to the next moment, to the next chapter. We are constantly evolving, and sometimes it is very painful.
Sending hugs.
I know 40 days! (41 now hehe) couldn’t have done it without you! I think back to a couple of times that I needed support and you messaged me I feel like they were actual conversations on the phone even though it was just through this app. It’s stuck with me and I think about those times when things get rough. 
Ur doing it girl!!! Getting it done day by day! I remember our chats too 
they helped me also u know!
@Alycia Sounds like a big realisation. You deserve the time to focus on you and live life more peacefully, rather than frantically.
@Dkat Welcome! How many days sober are you?
Feeling like this too 
. Having a bit of a pity party in my head and it sucks.
Awe girl, im definitely sitting in that 1 person pity party also. Im sorry ur also going thru this. Thank u for relating tho. But it definitely sucks. Is it ur friend also that ur comparing urself to?
3 days. Thank you
First day on the new job, and it is pretty darn slick. We process donations for several different organizations. 95% is processed by computer. We just go through the other 5% and manually enter it by hand.
Getting up in the morning is rough though, that’ll take some getting used too. And remembering to eat. Still, I should be able to get out of the hole in a few weeks and start making travel plans. In spite of the overall good news, I still feel a little blue. Still sober though. Peace, fam! 
Im so excited for you!!! Im really happy to hear that the new job is good!! Way to go Mark on getting things going for urself
“The opposite of addiction is connection.”
You sound so happy & content. Happy for you and your new AF life with all it’s new possibilities. Continue to cherish your connections!
Day 221
Just. Tired. I got hired. I will have more interviews on the back burner so this shit doesnt happen again. This job though im gonna do right. Up early every day. Out early every day. To work early so I can just vibe and get my bearings. No incoming traffic. Slicing vegetables and assembling sandwiches. Getting the carts where they need them to go. Im actually sort of excited for this.
But I need to come to work not like the hot mess who doesnt care. Like I have been. I think i just did bare minimum and they got sick of me. This shift starts too early for me to get complacent.
I will do a good job. Also, chopping vegetables relaxes me. Redundant and predictable but not like somewhere i can get entirely in my head all shift.
Also, got casually asked if i partook in weed, and said no. Maybe id have gotten asked to hang out! But i have my things im doing down here.
Aa!aaaaa. Thanks for being somewhere to post about this.
Checking in
Day 240
Grateful my husband is home. I needed the companionship. I dont feel so alone but I do HAVE to let go of certain situations that I have NO control over. Im choosing to disengage right now with my moms situation. Her situation is fueling that fire of resentment and its not healthy for me or my recovery. I decided to start talking to my dad more. I feel the need to check in on him. Im looking forward to a good shower and a good rest. I also need to get back into meditation. Back into daily prayer. Back into more recovery related things. A part of my thinking right now, bcuz I am feeling “off”, was to just isolate myself and be alone (including taking a break from TS). But thats slippery territory and I know this about myself. So im pushing thru that and staying connected. Just need to rest i think and tmrw will be better.
Growing pains. So necessary. Thanks for hearing me out 
197 days 
I started the day with a walk, as I intended. Just trying to slow my brain down and calm myself down, I thought if I start the day on a calmer note I may have an easier time. And it’s the first time i’ve been alone out in nature in a while. I was listening to some relaxing, classical music and all the feelings swept over me.
I felt sad, and overwhelmed by just generally being alive and being able to experience this crazy experience we call life. I watched the sunrise and had a bit of a cry. I said hello to a few kangaroos, and felt a bit better by the time I got home.
I’ve felt a bit better this morning since the walk. I got an email saying I got the job I applied for in the city which is amazing and terrifying all at once. I haven’t resigned at my current job yet, so that’s going to be hard. But I’ll face that once I’ve got a secure start date.
Oh man, all the feelings guys. Thanks for hearing me, I need to get them out and I really appreciate having the space here to do so.
Day 793
Was pretty down yesterday. I had a massive argument with husband last week, I am still feeling a little sideswiped by it. He is trying to brush it under the carpet, and that is not good enough for me, but he claims “tiredness” and goes to bed before the kids so we have no time to talk. And once it goes past a certain point it feels pointless to even try. Meeting friends yesterday just made me feel even more isolated when I heard about their lives which feel more exciting than mine. I feel tied by family responsibility, but also resentful.
On the plus side, my son is being a little better about studying, I have been summarizing key points for him, and focussing on that, which is more managable for him.
And in his own way, I can see my husband is ‘trying’, and at least he still cares enough to try. He is organising a night away for the family, but it feels like a shiny plaster for a broken leg.
Checking in on day 11
Almost Friday 
Yesterday I finally got some shoes for the cold season that fit AND look good
The belly is on a good way too, had only kinda 5 minutes of discomfort yesterday, so that’s a big win! I feel really good about my sobriety, I don’t miss anything. I won’t stop to have an eye on the monster tho, it’s lurking somewhere. Not this time Buddy.
Reading and reflecting helps, there are tears from time to time that need to be there I guess.
I left the AA meeting yesterday bc I feel way better in a room full of mask-wearing people. Nobody except me wore a mask. That stresses me to the max.
But there are AA online meetings that I’ll try. But til now Freundeskreis is the best one, I feel really good there.
Further I’d like to say that I sometimes seem not to understand you guys. Sometimes I don’t get the joke or the hint bc I’m not a native speaker. I’m sorry if there were misunderstandings 
Have a beautiful sober day friends 
People often only show the bright side of their lifes. Try to not think about that. It’s your life, focus on that 
Thinking about you. I don’t like it it when my husband tries to pretend things are ok when I clearly am feeling upset. I often feel the need to resolve things when he just doesnt want to deal with it. If this is how you are feeling I can relate.
It’s frustrating and sad. I hope that his efforts that he’s making in his own way do help.
Also remember, sometimes our friends(even if they are good friends) present the things they want you to see. It is really easy though, especially when things aren’t great and our relationships, to feel alone and resentful. I’m sorry you are experiencing this. Sending a hug💗
Day 6
Feel hit by weird coincidence…
Although all truths are half truths, I see this is > outside < / my [ comfort zone ] information that is not my every day downloadable content, or I still not getting used to it.
I usually do not read horoscopes because I know that it is faaar away from what real Astrology is. My Mother is Avestan Astrologist for about 15 years now so I do have some knowledge. On the other hand the one who knocks always finds the answers and answers are all around of us. [ In Us ] in other way. We always forget that we are Spiritual Beings after all and Life indeed is a Miracle!
1223
Coffee. A meeting with my therapist is coming up, followed by experiential expertise course, followed by going to a concert tonight. First one in a looong time. I should be excited but I’m not right now. I don’t really feel it this morning, so I guess it’s good it’s therapy first. Might be, well, therapeutic. My past too much to the fore in my head and body atm.
Otherwise not so much to say. Have as good a day as you can all friends. Make it sober and clean. It’s why we’re here. Love.
Pic is 3 years ago today, Bear Creek Trail, outside Ouray Co. Another awesome hike. Haven’t done much outdoor activities lately. Might have something to do with my funk. Will do better.
@Minatasha Congrats on the job!