So what did you have for dessert? 
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I know this shitty feeling too good and I am also proud how you cope with this annoying reflex. Nicely done @icebear! 
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Bread pudding. It was delicious!
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Second Check in today.
I had a really great day, went shopping and enjoyed it, cleaned my apartment, did the laundry and even cooked a delicious soup.
Now Iāll make a hot chocolate with oat milk (itās the BEST) and watch something spooky 
I wonāt stay up too long, I already yawn 
Alcohol and pills gave me so much fear, I realized that yesterday and today 
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Amazing 
congratulations
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DAY 9
and much more to itā¦
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Day 127
Day 11 no cigarettes
Done nothing all day. Feeling a bit better but no energy. Feeling a bit depressed and lonely. Thereās a big dance party in town and Iāve got fear of missing out, I guess, but Iāve made my choice so Iām sticking with it. I set up a match.com account yesterday then freaked out at the messages and deleted it. Iām not ready for that. I need motivation x
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Day 85 AF
Day 66 ended toxic relationship(s)
Hi TS Fam,
late night checkin.
Had a nice day, Meditation, Yoga, cleaning, beauty, swim workout with new training partner, hangout in bed (alone!) and cinema (alone!).
Donāt knowā¦ We are getting physical more and more (short way if you get to know each other while swimming and spend much more hours in the pool then on land 
) and get flirting premium pros! Even shared one dressing room today and had a situation a millimeter away from kissing.
Butā¦ He is not asking for another date then swimming. Maybe I need to be more offensiveā¦ But I want to let him āmake the moveā. On the other sideā¦ We know 8 weeks, 6 weeks ago we changed numbers. Thatās not that long.
I am very insecure in relationship thingsā¦ Donāt know what is normal and what is right. Maybe not thinking but enjoying and relaxing.
I am a bit more aware when my patterns are activeā¦ So i am trying to hug my inner child if I am feeling lost. Thatās our own job. 
OK thanks for reading my love storry circumstances 
66 days ago I ended a very toxic friendship plus on off shit with a guy diagnosed with borderline. He was dealing with several addictions.
Very intelligent man with a high jobā¦ āhigh functionalā (as I also used to be)!
I saw, that he tried to call me yesterday. Number is blocked.
Yes, I thought I have to call himā¦ For a few seconds. I wonāt. No I wonātā¦ I donāt have toā¦ Nothing of that! He wonāt change. He is not able to have emotional connection with me. I will be emotional injured again and again and again!
My brain is very active, but very reflectedā¦ Life is a journeyā¦ We have to welcome all the the circumstances and people giving us a possibility for practice and growth!
Love & Hugs!
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Checking in day 380
10:20pm here right now. Fell asleep a while ago for 2 hours had my trauma nightmares to wake up and realise that it has already happened not something i like to talk about so i dont. But anyway i feel a bit out of reality right now as my bodys trying to protect it from feeling the pain hurt and loss.
Anyway apart from that i did get up early this morning and i went to a meeting at 9am, glad i went as slowly seeing the same faces makes me feel slowly il build friendships when the times right.
Came home made some breakfast and watched some tv. Then i went into bed and put the electric blanket on and for some reason found myself just listening to classical music (i cant listen to music with words or familiar music as the memories held to the songs can really knock me back in to flash backs and grieving) and i just layed there for ages sometimes a thought but actually my head was silent and it felt nice then i fell asleep. I was able to pause everything.
I think it was longer than 2 hours, i feel detached from myself and reality. Pls dont worry this happens sometimes and i am okay and i recognise why my bodys doing and its doing it to protect itslef from pain and trauma and iv learnt to function through it and just stay in bed and fall back asleep to reset my brain.
Just wanted to reach out and say hi, as you guys are my support and i just needed to write i dont feel okay mentally but i am ok.
So i may make some egg on toast and just put something on to distract my self.
I have my kitties and dog with me all on my bed as usual which is comforting.
I have tried to call my cousin and sister as apart from you guys they are my support when they are able to be, although they dont understand addiction they understand me enough 
but no answer. Sometimes it helps bring reality back to just hear another humans voice.
So right now im just thinking to relax make something quick to eat in a bit, dont get stressed and try not cry because i wont stop if i start just being able to come here and release these feelings to people who care means so much to me.
I wish you all a lovely day/evening and anyone not feeling okay just try to remember this time will pass, these feelings are temporary and reach out to us or someone because it really does help.
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Just wanted to say hi and send you a hug
Your not missing out on anything. I thought this evening i could stop all these feelings by going out and being with people, but i soon came to the realisation from past mistakes that all id be doing by meeting this person again and by drinking and going out is actually self sabotaging myself just to try and run from these horrible feelings.
Id wake up tomo and the feelings will still be there and id be hung over and litrally feel worse for longer as my life would that morning turn back to unmanageable.
Just being kind to myself and finding other ways to just get through today im in uk so for me this last past of the night means il probably be lucky enough to wake up and feel alot better and although mentally frazzled and struggling in some parts of my life i can actually manage my life still, although hard times but they are mostly manageable still.
I use one day at a time for everything not just my alcohol addiction. When it comes to mt mental health i have found one day at a time works for me too. What can i do just for today to get through today.
I hope you feel better, i feel so lonely too. I want to meet someone im fed up of being alone all the time but i think i stay alone because i myself know im not ready and im safe by myself.
The lonely part of me when i drank got me into trouble.
Just wanted you to know your not alone feeling like this, and im sorry your not feeling great but im here with you and we can struggle knowing we arent alone and that we can get through this.
Im here for you
Thank you for sharing how your feeling as it helped me to open up and not try to pretend to be okay when its okay to not be okay, and its okay to share that. Thank you
Also @Butterflymoonwoman @Rockstar24777 i hope your days turnt out okay and your feeling better thinking of you both.
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Thank you for saying all this. Itās helped me to know Iām not alone. I just cried a few tears which is better than the emptiness and flatness Iāve been feeling. I canāt stay stable for more than a few days and Iām exhausted from it. Doubting my every move, at work, at home, not really wanting to do anything Nat all. Iām paralysed with fear at the moment. I donāt feel great but maybe tomorrow will be better. My brother is coming so I wonāt be alone
Thanks again and hope you feel better soon xx
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Im glad your brother is coming, just being around others can be so healing.
Sometimes i make a tea pot of valarian root and chamomile and it really does help with my anxiety its like natural medicine. But if you are ti try valarian root just check if your on any meditation its safe- most it is but i know some may not be.
But even the chamomile on its own i start drinking it from 5pm and by 7pm im chilled more.
I think it definitely helps to talk and let it out, i wasmt to big on sharing about how i felt for years but it really does help. Im glad you wont be alone tomorrow and that is something nice for you to look forward to.
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Checking in
Day 244
Finished a good day at work. Im feeling slightly better. My mind feels like its kind of on replay and I have a headache but my thoughts are not affecting me as bad as they did this morning. Just gonna keep pushing forward and making positive changes. I was able to do some thinking/planning today while at work since my client wasnt home. I feel like i need to gain a greater sense of control over my life. I do in a sense have some control bcuz im clean and sober. But im feeling like its not enough. In some senses I feel like Ive actually lost control in certain areas (control over food etc). I also feel like i have no real sense of direction i guess. So starting monday im back at the gym. Back to weightlifting especially (its really helpful for me). Back to watching my food consumption and the quality of the foods I eat. Meditation/sitting quietly needs to happen. Morning prayer. I need to watch my ādietā. Not just in what i eat, but also what i watch, what i listen to, what i read, who i choose to interact with. I need to pay attention to what i feed my soul and not just what i feed my stomach. Im feeling very āweighed downā in many ways. I dont like it. I dont feel AS happy, joyous, and free as id like to be. Excited to get back to things this Monday!
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Thank you lady! I do feel a bit better bcuz i have a plan. Just now to follow thru with the plan lol
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Im glad your feeling slightly better
I think im doing the same as you looking to monday to take some action on the things i feel im either falling behind on or slacking and in doing that i get the feeling inside me that my old ways are slowly slipping back- i have to be so strict with myself and the days i feel like im not doing what i should be the thought of even being slightly like my old self scares me.
I think the advantage we have right now is being able to recognise where we feel we need to improve, this is a powerfull tool in itself as not knowing or recognising means we arent awakened to what lies ahead if we dont step in and do something.
For me stepping in and doing something usually means me trying straight away or not looking at the bigger picture and a realistic goal and time frsme to achieve what it is i need to work on.
I just jump straight to thinking this or that needs doing, im not doing anything about it when it was supposed to be done yesterday then im left feeling im a failure, im going backwards im not doing well. When really realistically my plan to fix or achieve the goal was too much too soon.
This is something for me im working on, setting realistic goals and accepting the quick way isnt always the right way.
Not sure if this happens with you it just all came out while writing
Edit: just seen your post that you have a plan so are feeling better about that, thats good. I am working on my plan but it starts with monday for me getting back to swimming im setting myself that one goal.
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Spent the day watching the second and third parts of Kobayashiās The Human Condition. A remarkably moving and epic (9 hour) film. Lots of seltzer and snacks, but no thought of booze.
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700 days feels pretty dang good.
Spent the last few days visiting my folks and seeing some sites up in the mountains i have not been to in a couple of years. I missed the peak of the fall colors up in the high country but some aspens were still putting on a nice display. Bright warm sunny days brisk air and cold mornings. Winter is close up there. It was my first visit seeing my dad since the end of his cancer treatments. He seems to be doing well after all that. Its been a stressfull few months for sure. I hope the road is smooth for him going forward after all he and my mom went through.
I probably wont see them until thanksgiving, so me and my mom carved some pumpkins last night. Have a look!
Bye for nowā¦
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Congratulations on your 700 days. That is great you had some time with your folks. 
Great job on the pumpkins!!!
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Congrats on the 700 JB
It aināt Walken
But Samās got the moves too.
Glad youāre dad seems to be doing well.
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