Forgot to posts this yesterday. One year alcohol free. Not one drop. My pop’s was an alcoholic and I had to witness a lot bullshit growing up. I was turning into the person I hated the most. I apologized to my wife and my fam for what I put em through. I feel embarrassed for all those drunken times. It’s over now. This is the new me. I wanted thank everyone on this forum. For your likes, your replies, your posts, your stories. Some of you have gone through some tough losses and still fighting the good fight.
Hey there Richard,
I’m not sure what to say other than I’m sorry. It’s hard to make the choice to seek help and support, and not feel seen. I see you offer support and advice to others, and I know your well thought out replies are appreciated. For me, there have been many times where joining in on the forum has been to much for me- I find many of the threads overwhelming with the amount of people, but reading everything has always been immensely helpful. I’m not sure what I’m trying to say, but I would hate for you to leave this forum and all the help it can provide because you don’t feel seen. All of us are important, all of us are needed and that definitely includes you. I hope your dark thoughts have subsided, and your day is brightening.
@BrOkenWolf That sounds like a hell of a lot to go through. I haven’t been through the same, but I do empathise with the way you feel. In the past I have ‘left’ here a few times, or withdrawn from friends irl, but nobody noticed, lol, and that made me feel unimportant and rejected. But as you point out, that is just our ego, and nobody can demand attention. Of course, attention is something everyone wants, but it is a delicate and organic thing. I am glad you are better and hope the rant was cathartic.
A year is amazing… and seems so far off …yet here it is and YOU did that!! Bravo to you @GOKU2019 !! Big congratulations. You have so much to proud of and so much ahead to look forward to. May today be a beautiful day for you.
So i have alot to say. Just going to get some things off my chest and what i’m going to do going forward.
I had a setback friday. That setback probably started in reality on monday with too much dopamine throughout the week, not looking at anything but just not enough focus at work, too much youtube, espn, by friday i had no resolve, no will power. My wife thinks i’m triggered by my family, which there are parts of that that may be true, more on this soon.
For the first time in 3 years, i confessed to my wife. I had been keeping things close to the vest, not wanting my addiction to further destroy my marriage, so i kept my struggles to myself and mostly to family members/close friends in an effort to protect my family. By saturday afternoon took my family to dinner, and the guilt was making me sick, i wanted to puke. I kept it together until late that evening when my wife kept asking me why i was so somber all day, she finally asked me if i had any issues. Up until this point, i’ve been lying about my use. She hadn’t asked me in a couple of years and i told her everything was fine. Last year from October - May, i didn’t have any issues (easy peasy, this website being very helpful), but i slipped on my habits and from May - October i’ve probably had around 10 setbacks. But that’s not what’s still troubling me.
IN my confessions, i still have a problem fulling owning my issues, while i’m thankful to finally confess “something” half truth/flat out lies still put a dark cloud over me, and lack of integrity that’s plagued me most of my life. Fearing what others think of me, if they only knew how much i am ‘not’ what they think. She even said, it seems like this problem always holds us back. This was a horrible weekend and i did it to myself. We managed to have a somewhat normal sunday, but towards the end of the day, she’s like, "if this is the first time in 5 years you’ve really strugged, you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.
That might be true if that was real. And it’s not real. That’s the problem. When you don’t tell the truth, when your not honest, you live in shame/guilt – WHICH KEEPS YOU AN ADDICT. It’s an embarrassing addiction to have to constantly admit you can’t break free from. I’ve had normal confessions to people over the years, and it’s just sad after all these years, I’m still in the same place. Exposed to hardcore stuff at age 10ish, 20 years of marriage, and I’m still struggling. I’m going back to what worked last year, my easy peasy method, combined with doing some work internally with the man I’ve been. I want to be a man of integrity, but it’s only words until I actually put some work in to fix the lier I presently am.
One thing also: I am a selfish, self absorbed man. So yea, i have some work to do.
My son went to his afterschool ‘day service’ for kids with developmental issues today. He obviously released a lot of stress there, because he was calm and cooperative with tidying his bag (usually a fucking nightmare, he is a hoarder) and doing extra homework. Dinner was super easy so I had time to play with daughter. Recently husband goes to bed every night at around 8 because he is stressed from work, but refuses to talk about it or entertain the idea of changing jobs so not sure what else I can do to help except just bear spending every evening alone.
I cant even begin to describe how excited and proud i am of you! This is a HUGE accomplishment!!! 1 entire year without alcohol. Even tho ur dad was an alcoholic, u broke that cycle within ur family. Thats something to be incredibly proud of keep at it my friend! ODAAT hugs
I am incredibly proud of you! I know you probably dont feel good right now but you made huge progress here. A fresh start to begin ur new journey. I understand this completely:
When i was in active addiction i felt this!!! I literally lived 2 lives for a good chunk of my life (a drug addicted prostitute when i wasnt at my everyday normal job which was a residential counsellor for a halfway house … literally very different lives). I put on a good front to my job, my family, to others. If only they knew what kind of person I really was, id say. The thing is tho, is that who we really are hasnt left us. Its been there the whole time. Obviously drugs and alcohol dont bring us to our true sense of self but we CAN become the person that we are truly meant to be by staying clean and sober. U are a good person!!! We are human and we mess up sometimes. What matters is this moment and your willingness for a better life. Just start ur plan moving forward. Stay honest and keep at it, literally one day at a time. U did an amazing thing opening up to ur wife. It mustve been sooo hard to tell her. But u dont have to hide that anymore. Alcoholism loves secrets. Once we expose them to the light, we start to experience some freedom. Im rooting for u all the way!!! Absolutely u will be in my thoughts and prayers. U got this!!!
I’m doing ok now, I needed to vent and for it to be out there not held in. I’m here regardless of whether I’m wanted here or not. What my rant did for me is reinforce that I don’t need support to give my support this is a community and I’m here for anyone if they need anything. I felt I was a one way street and I was hurt then tried to blame others yet I never reached out.
How could I expect people to know I wasn’t ok when I didn’t say it. So I said it and I know I have support, even though I knew I did before, I just lost sight of that and got into my head!
Hugs Richard. Youre absolutely right tho. I do the same also. Sometimes i dont feel like I have support (yet in my mind i do know that I have it). But at times I have a hard time expressing that I need support/help. I think it stems (at least for me), from often solving things on my own. Always doing things myself. Being sooo independent that i dont ask people for help/support. Yet inside i crave for it. But ur also right in that we cant expect others to read our minds and know that we need this support. Im always glad u post and share what u do i hope u have a great day!
Day 16
It’s a quite good day, except that all my coworkers and me are tired and wanna do everything…but not work
I’m on my way home now. Feeling good, strong, not tempted.
Got an invitation for a Halloween party but politely rejected. Tho I feel confident it could be too early to hit a party.
I hope you had a good start into this week?
Stay strong
I appreciate your kind words. I was feeling extremely toxic this morning. I typed that long message, then i went to the car and cried my eyes out in prayer. Man i needed that. It was literally eating at me this morning.
I usually talk to a couple of people about these issues, it was just overwhelming. That’s the part that’s most hurtful: She’s the best. Kindest, loving person in my life, she’s the most selfless/patient person i’ve met, and these qualities have not rubbed off on me. But i wont give up, i need to stay ‘in the light’ and we talked about being more honest/open/and communicate more. I have alot of things to work through, but it starts for me with killing the selfish me first behavior. Coming home and being present, not wanting to go play games or keep an ear piece in my ear ‘listening to a book’. I have a wife/kids who need the full me. Time to put together THE STREAK. But more than just counting days which i’ve literally done forever, i just need to change my mentality, others before yourself at all times.
Crying is such healing. We need a way to release that tension and build up of energy. U really dont have to live this way anymore. Just like ur name says…
sufferingnomore-free
You can do this! Today is a new day and uv made big changes already! Get right back to what u know works for u hugs
Yes, some people, including me, experienced the “wall”. This is when your brain reached a new chemical balance and is the end of the pink cloud. So it’s quite normal.
keep at it my friend! ODAAT hugs
Thank you 
