Ur absolutely right! This is a situation where i need to accept the things i can not change (my parents and their situation), the courage to change what i can (myself and my reaction to it), and continue to pray for that wisdome to know the difference. Thank u for the reminder 
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Evening Check in
Day 247
I feel like crawling into a hole right now. I realized that i need to set boundaries with my momā¦ like today. So i did. I have to stop engaging with my mom and these conversations about this other man in my moms life. I felt in my heart that I needed to say something and not beat around the bush. Just come out and say it in a tackful, non-hurtful way. She actually respond very well to it. Told me i was being wise and then apologizing for even involving me in all this. Anyway, i feel better but not lol idk. It needed to be done. Anywayā¦ i am waiting for hubby to come home. We will have supper and relax. Needing some serious self care tonight for sure.
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Its crazy how no matter how old we are our parents relationship affects us. @Butterflymoonwoman im proud of you for setting boundaries and sticking to the serenity prayer. We are here for ya if ya need to vent 
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āā¦I have come to understand, is that i get out of it what i put into it.ā
Iām so glad you made that comment! Iām pretty new here and donāt post every day. I do read everybodyās posts and am happy for folks when they have accomplishments and āwinsā and empathetic for them when theyāre having struggles. But I rarely actually instigate conversations or anything with anybody. Everybody really does have their own stuff going on in their daily livesā¦Sometimes I get a little self-absorbed and forget that. But what you said also applies to my daily life! I have so many friends and family members that have situations theyāre dealing with and I need to get better about reaching out and giving some support. So thanks for saying what you did. Itās actually something Iāve been needing to hear for a minute!
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Day 109 AF
I had a fantastic therapy session today! I started EMDR focused on my dadās suicide. Itās been 19 years since he did that and I am just now starting to process it. Iāve felt a thousand different emotions over the years, but Iāve never had any help with processing it in a healthy way. Man. A LOT came to the surface in just todayās session. Stuff that I didnāt even realize I was angry about! It sucked to have to go back there and start feeling things Iāve been numbing for years. But I know itās necessary and LONG overdue. So even though it sucks big time, Iām happy that Iām finally working through it.
Yesterday I had 2 clients reschedule their appointments at the last minute and it totally screwed up my day. Initially, I was angry with them. But I had a little tap on the shoulder from my HP. And all I heard was āgrace.ā I was quickly reminded that these 2 women showed me grace and understanding when I started spiraling to my lowest point on more than one occasion. So itās time I start backing up and returning that gift that has been given to me countless times by so many people. A pretty humbling moment.
My meditation and prayer time in the mornings are getting a little better every day. My mind hasnāt been such a racing, chaotic mess lately. Iāve been making that the very first thing I do every day (well second, because nothing can happen until I make coffee lol) before I allow anything else to flood my mind. And Iāve also started playing 528hz music when Iām going to bed most nights. I know it may sound a little hokey to some, but I do believe those 2 changes are helping me a lot!
Ramble over for today lol! Hope everybody is killing another day sober!! 
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I think being on compo has sent me a little crazy. Iām off to buy another harley
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Wow 
i cant believe how amazed i am with all ur doing and overcoming. I cant even begin to imagine processing something so tramuatic like that and i think that by processing that overtime, it will for sure help with lessening the urge to drink. Its like peeling layers of an onion. We all have many layers of āstuffā and i just feel like somehow ur HP was telling u that its ok and that its time to work thru it. I always believe that my HP doesnt give me any more than i can handle. Somethings are sure tough but with our HPs help, nothing is impossible
Amazing to hear the thought process also on incorporating grace for ur clients. I probably wouldve never thought of that at first myself. Thats a huge change in thinking!
I hope ur night is a good one its late here too so ill be winding down with some self care also
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Thank you soo much my friend! I appreciate that! Its funnyā¦ i remember screaming at my mom and dad as a child, telling them to get a divorce already bcuz i couldnt handle the emotional turmoil btwn them. And here i am now listening to this potentially happening like 30 something years later! Like what?! And actually being upset over whats been happening. Idk its weird. But im glad i set those boundaries. I remember being in my 20s talking to an addiction counsellor and i remember bringing up how I was like my moms little counsellor at age 7. She told me everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Especially about her and my dads relationship. I was told by my counsellor at the time that i shouldve never been placed in this role. That it was never my place to hear this or my responsibility to try and fix my mothers emotional state at that age. It was never my role. And i sort of begun to see myself playing this role again with this situation in the present. And yes i am an adult now but its still not my role. And so it was hard to set boundaries but felt really good. And im glad that she didnt spiral down mentally bcuz of what i did (which was what i was worried about).
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The end of day 100. Started off positive but i have been so depressed since getting sober. I try to keep it at bayā¦its so sneaky sometimes 
No cravings to drink but even 100 days later and im sure 100 more days will still be hard to feel my emotions after numbing them for so many years
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Hey @chey.o congrats on the milestone. If you havent heard this yet, hear it now, its ok to not be okay. I fight with depression and theres no shame in seeing a professional and talking things out or maybe trying a medication. We are here for you.
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Day 10
Evening, all you sober people. I told myself leaving work that I was getting straight on TS and interacting with others before I turn on the tv or youtube or whatever. And here it is a few hours later, right before bedtime.
I have no discipline. Probably why I fail at everything. Still, got my job and my home. Very grateful for my apartment. The sudden cold snap (two days of 20 degree nighttime lows) is a good reminder that winter is coming. Took a nice hot shower and Iām about to crawl into my sleeping bag. Iāve gotten into the habit of using it instead of a blanket. That cocoon feeling is just comforting. Work continues to go well, but Iāll be taking my last Buspar tomorrow morning and donāt know how Iāll pick up my prescription. Iām not going to worry about it tonight. 
Good night, all! 
P.S. Congratulations to @chey.o for 100 days!
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Checking in
Day 247
My goodness i proBably have done like 3 checkins today. Ive been on here alot, which isnt necessarily a bad thing. Ive been just edgy today. Exercise has been helping alot. Today i felt the urge to eat and overeat. It really took a lot of effort to keep that in check. But as long as i can go to bed with where im at right now with my eating, ill be happy. Tried some mindfullness eating techniques today. Kind of helped distraction also helped a bit. Feeling good with where I left things with my mom. Not feeling bad about that decision to set boundaries. Hubby and i are having a good evening and our son is in bed. Cant wait for a good sleep
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Day 227
I spent my first 100 days hyperaware of the days sober. Now I am afraid a year will come up too fast and I will still have this depressed personality.
Last night I did make myself do 15 min, I combined it with the dishes. It will be hard to do 15 minutes today but I will set the timer and do the bare minimum if I have to.
I feel weird, though. got almost no sleep last night. Was up at 3am stressed as hell eating a boxed risotto, slept from maybe 6a to 9a. Youd think after 3 nights of camping id sleep better in my bed, but no.
Have to go to the dmv early tomorrow and do my paperwork and function best I can for people. But I can accept that today (and the first whole year sober) being heavy makes sense, with everything going on.
Things will change from here, and life will look very different 5 years from now whatever happens, and I can promise myself to be sober and clean for that whole five years, and to face it one day at a time.
Edit: i did 15 minutes in my room plus going upstairs to wash all the dishes. Not perfect but the cat things are done laundry is away and bedside table cleared off. Rewiring brain takes time and consistency.
Solidarity to people struggling with shame grief wrist pain and lack of sleep.
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Thank you I donāt usually let people see the side of me thats not okay. I donāt usually deal with her eitherā¦i do feel i can share it here a little since you all are so great. i started therapy last week! Its my first time. I am hoping it helps.
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Nice to see you checking in Mark! Im glad things are overall going well (it sounds anyway). But i have to say that this:
I dont agree with i do see u working hard at discipline and succeeding! Congratulations on day 10 my friend
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1229
Coffee. Quck check in, about to ride my bike to work. Iām good. Things could be better but they always can. Thaās why Iām here. Thatās why I am sober and clean. To work on my recovery/discovery. One day at a time.
Have as good a day as you all can friends. Clean and sober. Love from Amsterdam and Utrecht (pic from yesterday morning outside my work place).
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Day 200
Things are going good, Iām just doing the things and trying to take my time and carefully sift through thoughts and feelings as they pop up, while also wearing the many hats i have to. Itās day by day.
Iām going on a lunch date with my husband tomorrow at our favorite Thai place and Iām determined to try something new whenever i go there. Want to broaden my tastebuds a bit.
Except that Thai iced tea, Iāll get that same thing every time bc itās so good 
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Yay for thai iced tea 
and congratulations on 200 days!!
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MASSIVE CONGRATS on one year! Absolutely awesome 
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Well done on 200 days Youāre doing so great, Iām so happy youāre here 
Enjoy the Thai, itās my favouriteeeee!
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