What matters now is that you are making a positive difference to both of your lives.
I use those thoughts to motivate me to stay sober, although when feeling them.isnt a nice experience its all i can do otherwise i would turn into deep depression.
Your doing an amazing job right now and that counts alot, i often see signs in my son that i think are my fault for being an addict he is 20 and it makes me reallys sad when i look back but i know right now i am having a positive impact on him and that matters.
Try not to bring yourself down with these thoughts, your human and you never intentionally would cause harm emotionally so be kind to yourself none of us are perfect.
We can only do our best and now thats what you are doing. 
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