118 days free from alcohol
99 days free from toxic relationships
9 days imperfect regular eating
Coming home from work.
Cried in the car
Not sure why
Still crying
Feeling dissociated, very lonely
and guilty as I was eating carbs like a normal person would do since weekend.
Don’t know. Have to cuddle into couch with myself. Will c.
Great numbers… And he is still trying to contact me. (last time yesterday) 
You eat carbs like a normal person. And this is not good, because of your eating disorder?
I just try to understand and I am not sure if mentioned it before.
Sorry, I misread it. It’s about guilt. 
That is a shitty place to be and you surely not have to be there. You said by yourself, that it is OK how your body is. You want to be athletic not skinny!
No.
Because of my disorder I am feeling guilty and ashamed.
It’s OK. Normally it would be OK.
But for me it’s drama again.
Thinking about hard restrictions!
I added some phrases to my former post, but you’ve read to fast. 
Thanks but I am there.
I know but I don’t feel it now.
I feel like doing everything wrong and like shit!
Sry for these negative posts.
Checking in day 11.
First of all, thank you everyone so much for the kind-hearted congratulations on this semi-milestone.
Dana, to answer your question, a lot has changed.
For most of my years, much of my attention was focused on my outer behaviors. It’s something that I’ve learned from others around me. I guess there was this idea that changing my thoughts in my lust we’re so difficult that it was just best to place my attention on the outer acting out behaviors. So I was hoping that by changing the outer man, by cleaning the outside of me, that some of that outer cleanliness would rub off on my inside.
But that didn’t work. Instead, I simply suffered major cravings for months at a time. Avoiding P and MB, I was still guilty of heating up my brain with lust and fantasy. I may have stopped my outer behaviors, but I was still losing battle after battle after battle after battle with inward lust and fantasy. And then my mind would heat up so hot that it would eventually lead me back to PMO.
So I went on a quest to determine how I was going to maintain a zero tolerance policy with custody of my eyes and mind. Not only was I paying attention to the false paradigm that was playing in my head, but also God was revealing to me the toxic shame that I was carrying manifested through Nice Guy Syndrome. And then the EasyWay method showed me the high amount of value that I was placing on my DOC. So I’ve learned a lot of great tools along this process. I now feel like I have enough intrinsic motivation to put all of this behind me.
But here’s the kicker. None of that actually worked. Because there’s still something in my subconscious, in my addicted self, in my flesh, that is still determined to pretty much do whatever the flesh determines to do. And I’ve come to the broken realization that nothing, no amount of knowledge, no amount of therapy, no amount of postings, no amount of meetings, or no amount of whatever…
It’s going to train this messed up mind of mine to stop being so messed up
I’m pretty broken about this. But it’s true that my flesh simply cannot be trusted. So I stopped trusting in it.
For years, I thought I could get away with making a bunch of sacrifices by going to some meetings, going to church, praying some, reading a the Bible, making some boundaries, stop acting out…
With the hope that making such sacrifices would be considered obedience to God. But that’s not the kind of relationship that God wanted to have with me. His desire was not to clean up my flesh. That’s not what he wanted to fix in me. What he wanted me to do was stop walking in my flesh altogether. To stop trusting in it. To stop trying to fix it. He certainly wasn’t going to fix my flesh. He wanted me to do what step 3 says all along.
To turn my will and my life over to Him
And not just some of my life and will,
ALL OF IT.
To LET GO of the steering wheel of my life, AND LET GOD do the driving.
To walk in the spirit and not in the flesh. Because my flesh is demonstrated over the decades, that it cannot be trusted, not for one stupid second. How does that look like? Well, for me, I’ve been praying a lot. I mean a lot. Like me and Jesus are like best buddies a lot. I’ve never prayed so much in my life. And as I’m committing all of my thoughts and all of my attention towards God and his will, it’s pushing all thoughts of lust and fantasy aside. Because of this changing process of making the Lord my master, instead of just my savior. Lust and fantasy are being removed from my heart. This is all still a work in process for me. I’ve had times during this month where I’ve been guilty of entertaining lust and fantasy. But I’m definitely winning way more battles than I’m losing.
I am not missing out on anything by doing this. For if I don’t make God my master, then I go back to my old masters; sin, the devil, lust, porn; which are cruel, horrible, vicious, treacherous, merciless masters. And I know the consequence of returning back to my old ways. It’s a life that I know has no value. No benefit. And leads to death. But God is a good master. He cares for me more than I care for myself. He has a plan for me. But to follow His plan I have to let go of my plan.
I’m discovering, through God’s help,
that it is easier to simply clean up my outside by cleaning up my inside. Than it is to clean up my inside by cleaning up my outside.
I am extremely confident that I’m going to win this war.
I will be victorious.
I will conquer.
With God’s help, I am finally free indeed.
Do you have already tools to get you out of this mood or help you to cope with them?
Second Check in on day 47
I’m home, I have delicious asian food from my favourite restaurant and I’m getting more and more relaxed.
I really need to learn to relax at work but I don’t know how? Its like I’m always in a fight or flight mode even if everything is okay 
If you have any ideas or had the same problem I’d highly appreciate your help 
My boss told me to go home earlier as planned because my head started to hurt again. I need to be 100% cured tomorrow.
So I took my painmeds and now I’m munching my rice and chicken 
I found a YouTuber I haven’t seen in ages and almost forgot about him. For the German speaking folks here his name is “Mythen Metzger” (myth butcher 
).
He has the most calming voice and his stories are always wonderful. He talks about anything mysterious like ghosts, missing 411 (google it, it’s highly interesting!), UFOs, creatures like skin walkers and much more. And I LOVE this stuff!
Okay, I need to have a second plate. It’s too good 
Have a beautiful sober day friends 
Stay strong 
really needed to hear that it’s okay to have things good. thank you. I think that’s what I struggle with most. good is unfamiliar and scary and I start to self sabotage in other areas to replace the gold with bad
Letting it pass (time).
Physical therapy.
Sports. Yoga. Swimming.
To feel my body again.
Meal planning / eating regular, no ristrictions to not undereat or overeat.
Just feeling guilty and like shit.
Will try to join the yoga class later anyway.
Finding way to the mat always helps.
Normal people would have a warm meal open for today. I could take away something asian like @Sabrina80 but not sure if it’s okay.
I might take leftovers with me to work tomorrow.
Checking in with a Heartfelt acknowledgement to @KevinesKay
Nice read @KevinesKay
In AA there are 3 clear pertinent ideas we read before every meeting that when these 3 pertinent ideas really sink in to our innermost selves then our freedom in recovery really begins.
It sounds like you have come to such realization. 
I have a real good sense that you are TRULY on the path of surrender which is to say victory.
Spirituality comes with many paradoxes. 
Here are the 3 pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.
(slip in your own DOC)
PEACE
Day 230
Still doing the things and trying my best, which looks different every day.
Been in a self care slump for a while now and trying to pick myself up again, starting slowly this time.
Also trying to get through the holidays without gaining 30lbs like last year. This calls for solid willpower with food, not my strength. I’m still struggling with finding a balance between not eating anything and eating everything.
Food is my original original addiction so I’m gonna try leaning into my nutritionist materials more consistently.
I’m just stuck in a depression loop right now, with spurts of mania for flair. I’ll be back tomorrow probably. 
Congratulations on your 200 ODAATs plus 1 Delia!
My knitting is very helpful. I still have these irritating moments, especially when I just got home. My work is very stressful, after that I am exhausted. After 11 sober days I am less exhausted but there is big nothing waiting for me. Wine is no option anymore. My kids are adult. My dog died. My boyfriend is living 2 hours drive away.
What I can take before being able to make any decision? I take my knitting. Just sitting in the kitchen, on the couch, wherever, I knitt. Did already finish 2 pairs of socks, now I am knitting a pullover.
It’s calm, it’s ralaxing, it’s productiv and times flies by.
Like a meditation.
Got COVID from my future SIL’s family. Could have done without it, meh.
#donttravelwithsickkids
I understand how you’re feeling. It’s rough in the moment, and you are absolutely entitled to your feelings. Please don’t apologize for not feeling positive. You will get through this. Sending lots of love your way 
Hi @SadMemeQueen, from reading your posts it feels like you have come a long long way and it’s amazing what you are doing.
I don’t know if this will have any relevance to you but for a long time I self sabotaged myself because I did not think I was worthy of love, worthy of anything. Self loathing was at the core of my being like a black hole in side my soul.
It has taken me a long time but that black hole is closing up. Some of the tools I’ve used to help this are on this forum (there is a wonderful thread about Self Worth prompts that ask questions that you can answer) and acknowledging little things about myself that I actually like. In some cases it was just acknowledging things I like.
I know I am not in the same situation as you are but I think you have done so well. You are working in a really demanding job and I really respect how well you are doing.
I get a similar sense of peace from painting @Joyce19. My hands move and my mind is left free from the stresses and strains of the day.
It’s a great hobby to have, I’d love to see some of your work if you wanted to share it.
