Morning Check In
Day 279
Morning TS! On my way to work 
Hoping today goes well. Had another using dream last night. In this one I saw my husband use. I had my DOC in my hand and i remember being partially awake, telling myself to not go thru with it. I kept debating it in my dream but i never saw myself use it. I am getting really sick of these dreams. Like im done with them lol i have around 1 or 2 a week. Guess i shouldnt complain bcuz in the very early times of recovery they were very often and super intense.
I do have to admit tho that my thoughts of using have increased this past week. Much more than usual. The pull to ask my hubby about making a call is there too. I havent gone thru with asking (I promised myself long ago to never open my mouth when i want to ask bcuz i cant guarentee that he will say no). But i need to get back to the basics of recovery again. Im thankful that I can see when my recovery is not as solid as I want it to be. Bcuz then i can do something about it. All i have to say is “F Drugs!”. Cuz im never going back there. Just feeling a little nervous about where im at with my recovery but gonna pray this morning before work. Stay focused. Listen to recovery related stuff while at work bcuz my client is going home today for a family visit at 10am and I will have time.
Hope everyone has an addiction free day
Hey all, checking in on day 888. I hope everybody has a good one!
You completely correct in all that you wrote. And the grind can sometimes be really mean. 
Great to hear you doing fine!
I hope that you don’t have any sore muscles!
Stay strong and stay with us. 
Are you going to meetings? I have lots of incredible sober people that I socialize with. Met them in AA.
120 days free from alcohol
111 days free from toxic relationships
11 days regular eating
These numbers
Calming down today. Started with a walk, nice breakfast with once forbidden bread, doing some cleaning and organizing, doing same with my head by the way. Packing my niece 10th birthday present and writing a card, doing some beauty rituals and meal prepping. Having breaks with coffee in between.
I don’t feel amazing, but I am halfway okay.
I really need times to rest.
Hope I will find a way between power and resting soon, especially regarding job things. I know why I was afraid to start working again after my first 30 days. I am much more often in emotional trouble or dissociation.
To be honest a job for like 20 hours but with full speed would be perfect for me. And mainly Homeoffice. But I need to make money too.
I am sure I will find a way during next year the latest.
Will have a swim tonight and visit family tomorrow 
Love you all, hugs 
Thank you and no sore muscles at all this time yay! 
Thanks for the laugh! Lol i used to use that term “hamster wheel” often lol thats so funny lol i felt better after i prayed. More grounded. Its hard to explain how i feel when i dont feel grounded. But at least im able to recognize when im out of sorts. Then i can do what i need to do to get back to where i need to be.
Congratulations on 120 day AF 
I have just sat down litrally after clearing the garden of all the leaves and going over bits indoors.
I feel really off today like my subconscious is just thinking about all sorts of stuff causing me anxiety right now but im okay, i know it will pass.
Im glad your feeling a bit better although not totally i hope your swim helps with that.
Im going to do a meditation i think to just bring my feet back to the ground.
Have a good day and a good swim
Hi Sabrina
I hope your feeling a bit better.
Have you looked up PMDD it sounds very familiar to the symptoms you have, and maybe you could mention it to your dr.
Maybe Google it if you havent heard of it already.
I found about it about a year ago and my dr thinks i have this, it can make me feel so out of reality as well as lots of the symptoms.
It is different from person to person.
Its great you have noticed this and work around the feeling by not asking, which i think says alot that you dont actually want to it is just strong thoughts about it.
You are doing an amazing job, you have cone so far with your recovery and its great you notice so many things that could potentially become a danger to your recovery and you have so many ways of dealing with them and overcoming them.
hope the dreams stop and the urges too.
Thank you very much…
I hope you will find ease in mediation. 
Love
Thank you so much for ur comment. Sometimes i beat myself up if i dont feel like im doing as well in recovery as i should be, but i have to remember that 9 months is still early for me in a sense. I struggled with addiction for 22 years so its natural for me to think the things i do. What matters is what i do with those thoughts. I never mention to my husband that im struggling or thinking certain thoughts. I know that that could be a risk bcuz he im sure has had thoughts here n there also. Basically why put myself in a harder position of having to outright say “no” to using, by asking him or telling him that im having using thoughts? I have to take responsibility for my recovery and cant expect him to discourage me from using if im struggling. I juat close my mouth amd dont say a thing lol
How are you doing?
Your doing so well
In jut being easy on myself today my anxiety is really sensitive i kind of feel like im going to just burst into tears, but im finding ways to cope and learning how to deal with this wave when it hits.
Iv got alot done today already, have dinner in the slow cooker so i can just take it easy now and iv tired myself out too.
I managed to get 4 hrs sleep last night but not because i couldnt sleep but i binge watched a whole season in Netflix until the early hours - i enjoyed it lol. I do know when i dont sleep properly i can feel how i do but generally i am ok i have ti just go through flow of it until its over ans tey to stay distracted.
I almsot dozed of to sleep a minute ago and i think a relaxing evening and il prob fall asleep early.
I am happy with myself for going into the garden and cleaning up the leaves it took a while and was quite physical work so i have alot to be pleased with myself about and just noticing these feelings have been brought on by the lack of sleep - i guess im realising im not young anymore 
and all the little things add up and take there toll.
Apart from anxiety im ok. Ive eaten im tealing in bed now and in going to just be on and off here whilst finding another program to watch this evening.
A meeting prob would have done me good thid evening whilst its getting dark already its 4:20pm
But actually i will fall asleeo.around 8pm-ish listneing to the marathon AA zoom meeting. I feel this is something i could do more consistently as it does help.
Im just rambling on now
Checking in day 76! Another pretty intense night at work last night. I was able to sleep in some today— still tired but definitely on the upswing of this hovering cold or whatever it is. Grateful it’s the weekend and I can really recharge.
Had another dream about alcohol last night where I turned it down. I’m happy with subconscious me for saying no 
Happy sober Saturday friends!
Yeah, 3 sober months for you! Well done! 
Yes I feel better today.
Exactly this was on my mind I googled my symptoms yesterday and it fits 100%.
Usually I have problems around 2 weeks before my period. I’m fearful, get migraines, can’t sleep, overthinking a lot and panicking sometimes. Kinda a half-time depression 
Weird.
And when my period starts it’s ALL gone.
Weird.
Huge congratulations to you!!! 3 months sober is such a big deal! Way to go on all the hard work youve been putting into ur recovery!
For me also it all starts 2 weeks before and oddly just stops once its that time.
Yes definitely mention it to your health professional they may be able to help with it.
Im trying natural teas and have done for a while.
Sometimes it can be more intense than others and with seasons changing my dr also mentioned i could have SAD. So i brought a SAD lamp but im very new to using it.
I think atm my symptoms look like i have everything 
so im just trying to get to know them and there patterns a bit more.
Heres a big hug
I have put a kind of comedy on to watch… i usually am into all the space, ghost and alien stuff like you mentioned the other day but i thought something funny may lift my spirits even just a little.
Create the atmosphere im longing for.