Indoor pool. Although not uncommon in the spring in the sierra nevadas.
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Thank you and congratulations on 9 months!! 
Things are going about the same. My MH guy came by at 3:30 as usual. It told him we had to go to the emergency room. My nose had been bleeding since noon and I started to feel faint. He stayed with me the entire time so I wouldnāt have to walk home (it was 19f). He even canceled an appointment to be there. Above and beyond the call of duty.
But every time I go through the cycle (and I have done this multiple times), it gets worse. Not just my health, but my lifestyle in general. My apartment is a wreck, I have two weeks of unopened mail, my voice mailbox is full, Iāve missed multiple appointments. It think my MH team is about to give up on me. Neighbor Joe doesnāt even check on me anymore.
But Iāve spent the day drinking water and soul searching. Why the hell do I keep doing this? Found a couple possibilities: Higher Power. Iām not an atheist; I believe something is out there. But I have no specific path. I did enjoy going to Unitarian Church when I had a way to get there. And I was intrigued by Recover Dharma, but I have poor follow-through. One of my character defects.
Also I may have PTSD. Iāve always associated it with combat soldiers, accident victims, etc. But there are some things in my past that Iām not āacceptingā, but rather simply ignoring. Therapy may help.
But for now I gotta work on stabilizing my situation. 
P.S. Dana, I just realized I wrote this entire post to you instead of regular post; sorry for the mixup!
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Hi Dana @Butterflymoonwoman ,
Congratulations on the 9 months. Wow! Youāre doing fantastic!
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229 days 
Finally caught covid. Feeling pretty terrible. But I got a start date for my new job for early next month and I finally let my boss know I was moving on. So things are happening, for today though, just rest. Stay sober friends 
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Iām checking in. Day 37.
Just came back from our family retreat. No, we did not go to the water park. 2 of the 3 women in my family were on their cycle.
But there were women walking around in their swimwear. No biggie deal. I wasnāt looking. My wife got disturbed seeing someone that wasnāt appropriately dressed with oggling men all around her. She told me about it. She was concerned about me getting triggered. Again, I didnāt look. But it affected her greatly. And I wonder how much her reaction has been due to all of my behavior throughout the years. Countless times, having her witness me lacking self-control and checking out other women in her presence. Iām sure itās made a blow to her self-esteem. Iām sorry about that.
Traditionally, Iāve been taught to avoid taking that 2nd look at another woman. But Iāve had to accept that, for me, itās not good enough. itās the first look that I have to say, āNo,ā to. Iām not speaking for anyone else or everyone else. Iām only speaking for myself. Many people can simply look at others and be completely cool about it. But itās time that Iāve embraced the wisdom to know the difference. I accept that I cannot change my brainās wiring or programming. If I donāt take that first look, there wonāt be a second, or a third, or a fifth, or an eighth. And Iāll be less likely to have cravings. And if I donāt crave, Iāll wonāt cave. Game over. I win.
Such wonderful wisdom Iāve learned from many of you fellow alcoholics. Thank you. My family and I had a wonderful time at the retreat this weekend. And my wife understood that she was the only woman I was paying any attention to. Thatās what sheās always wanted. She told me on the way back that she likes the direction that out marriage is going. Me too and I hope that continues.
Have a blessed day everyone.
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I have to add that Iāve still been in the habit of praying A LOT. Trying to deal with my inner lust and fantasy on my own without Godās presence and power is futile.
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Letās seeā¦today was about exercise, buying a throw rug, food shopping, laundryā¦a life never lacking chores! But, productivity over a hangover any day. I hope you had a wonderful Sunday!
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Thank you kevin!!! 
Also i wanna say how amazingly well u did on ur retreat! I really think that ur going full force into recovery mode and really using everything uv learned. Ur wife was nervous and triggered about what she saw, worried about if u would react the same way to that woman as the other men did. But u didnt. ur focus was on her. She may have built that natural reaction from past experiences but u are shwoing her that things have changed. I totally got the serenity prayer in ur postā¦ acceptance, the courage to change, and the wisdom to know the difference. I have soo happy for you and ur wife and ur relationship! Im seeing a huge posiitve change happening 
way to go!!
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Thank you! Iāve heard of Louise Hay. Very positive things actually. I need to do something. Iāve become very negative, judgmental, and quite honestlyā¦mean.
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@ReeBee28 ā¦ oh thatās just my undergraduate degree dream. Graduate degree 10 years later? That is the dream about needing to take 1 class i was unaware of to finish. Butā¦Iāve already told my employer I have finished! Hmmmmā¦a dilemma. As it turns out that did not happen. I finishedā¦got pregnant towards the end of my program, but I finished!
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Its totally okay mark @DryIn785! I knew u were doing a check in also im grateful someone stayed with u at the hospital. I feel like u really needed that companionship 
I hope ur health begins to get better. I know ur having a hard time right now 
Take it easy my friend. Ur body is recovering from your relapse and yes there is stuff that u mentioned that needs to get sorted:
But seriously, dont overwhelm urself with trying to get all this done right away. After every relapse i ever had, there was always a shit ton of stuff to do and basically alot to ārepairā. I liked to make a list (im a list person haha) of everything i needed to do and id pick maybe 2 or 3 things off that list a day. Most important things first. Self care was always on the top of that list. Shower, food, water, maybe some sun
I do believe that addiction is related to a lack of spirutual connection. The opposite of addiction is connection. And i feel like ur onto something. U dont have to believe in God specifically for u to believe in something
~ Religion are for those that dont want to go to hell, while Spirituality is for those that have been to hell and dont want to go back~
As long as whatever u believe in is greater than urself, it will work! I honestly couldnāt have gotten to where i am without my HP. Connecting to my HP and having a recovery routine every morning, helps me tremendously. Have u ever tried a morning routine?
I wont keep on too long and make u read even more but just know that ur cared for mark and that we are always here to help!
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Busy busy day for u! Hope ur week ahead is good too! Plus being able to get some relaxation in
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Itās the beginning of day 3. I love day 3. Itās when the physical effects of the alcohol are gone. My sleep is comes back, my energy comes back, but also my compassion comes back. My anger stops boiling rapidly and cools to a simmer. My animals are happier and life starts to seem like it might not have to be a struggle everyday. Day 5 is another one that feels good, but I wonāt think too much on that today. Get through the shift, get home, eat dinner, drink seltzer and get into my clean sheets. Maybe Iāll do the dishes before I go to work.
I am thankful for this day. Itās so hard to get here.
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I love doing the dishes. Itās so satisfying 
If you want to join in here you can too - there you can catch up with some of the other people checking in too
Checking in daily to maintain focus #49
Good for you
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Awe girl sprry to hear that u caught covid but im so excited for u to begin ur new career!!! Congratulations 
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Thank you Dana, Iāve gotten started on the repair process. Iām a list person myself, but sometimes Iām so overwhelmed that just making a list is a chore. 
As far as self care, Iām drinking tons of water, but I canāt get myself to eat. Tummy feels like it wonāt take anything. I had half an apple and some peanut butter.
I love this, Iām going to remember that. Btw, any suggestions for a morning routine?
I think a little structure would go a long way. Have a great evening!
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Hi everyone! Checking in day 34! Sorry for the radio silence the past few days, we got some heavy rain and I lost power. I only have Wi-Fi when Iām running the generator which I hate doing . Hoping to have power back up and running tomorrow so I can catch up with all I missed. Realizing how much this app and community helps me when I donāt have access to it 
talk soon!
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I thrive off of routine and need structure. I actually tend to feel anxious and ālostā without it. Which is why i have a daily plan. The plan can change depending on wether i work or if i have shopping to do or an appt. But basically every night i create a plan for what im doing the next day.
This play always includes a morning routine that rarely changes. Ill write my routine for an example:
615am wake up & get coffee
7am TS reading, commenting & check in
730-830 Get my son ready for school and on the bus
9-1030am Exercise
1030-1100 Shower and get ready
11-1130 Recovery related daily readings & prayer with a 10 min meditation
1130 Eat and begin the rest of my day (Whatever 2 or 3 tasks i plan on doing that day. May include phone calls, running errands etc)
Its important that i always do recovery related stuff in the morning, bcuz it sets the entire day. I never ever ever sleep in. That ruins everything lol unless im not well than rest is needed. But its crucial that i wake up at the same time everyday so that i can begin my routine. Every single morning i remind myself of my powerlessness over drugs. I never forget this. I also always hand over my thinking and acting to my HP so that i am no longer running the show. My prayer includes other random stuff but i always incorporate these 2 things.
This is what i do i hope this helps with an idea. If u have any recovery related readings, i would try to incorporate a page of that every morning. There are even affirmation apps or gratitude lists or journals or anything that u enjoy that u think would be helpful!
When i began the process of prayer (which can seem uncomfortable at 1st), i prayed as if i was just chatting to a friend across from me. In fact i still think this way. But this friend is a HP and can make incredible things happen
Exercise can be anything. Maybe a nice walk or stretching or anything sort of physical that is something ud enjoy.
Hope this helps a bit if ur like me, routine is a crucial part of life. Idk where i got this urge to have a routine lol but it just works for me hope ur feeling better!
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Awe love u lady!!! Thank you
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