@Sirluca When you are feeling bummed is a good time to write down exactly what relapse feels like and why you don’t want it to happen again. Because when you feel better, that is when the consequences seem further away and the excuses come more easily.
@Jennajen Fleabag was such a great show! If you like that you might like The end of the f**king world. Or Barry. All dark comedy.
Thanks Flo, I’ll look them up! 
Evening Check In
Day 323
I guess today has been good over all. Ive had some thoughts of resentment today, some urges to binge eat, and one small using thought. Sometimes i dont know why the thought pops up and sometimes i do if i look hard enough.
Resentment: Im feeling resentful at my mom. I literally cant have 1 “normal” conversation with her without having her get all down and depressed and start talking about her issues. I feel awful saying this bcuz shes my mom and i do understand the mental health stuff. I continue to be there for her even if i struggle with it. Theres times i want to tell her about my day and just chat but i find it soo tiring to be her counselor. This truly makes me sound like an awful person… and im really not. Its just draining for me some days.
Wanting to overeat: Im irritable bcuz i want to binge eat and i know if i stick my hand into a package of mini chocolates to eat just one, ill eat the whole damn thing or at least until im sick. Why i want to do this??.. not sure. I havent had one even bcuz ill know where this will lead. Im drinking tea now and then will have supper mindfully.
Using thought: Just a brief thought which i brushed off immediately like i always do. I never entertain those thoughts. NOTHING good comes from using drugs or drinking. But im feeling emotionally some kind of way and i cant figure it out yet.
Self care will be in order tonight, including a good rest. Think ill try a quick meditation to calm me down. Maybe try journaling or something
Same here. Can’t put my finger on it. Hasn’t been a bad day, maybe a little boring. But I feel “unsettled” somehow. Didn’t even do the cleaning I promised myself I’d do. Probably just need to go to bed. 
Just a thought check out a free app called Blocksite. You can block up to 5 apps or web pages for free. When I decided social media and news was enough I blocked the 5 I used the most frequent. As soon as I tried to go on them I got a block notice and that was enough to trigger my brain to put my phone down, you’re absolutely correct, deleting them does not work. I also use the power saving mode on my phone a lot to stop distractions, it allows me to call, text and use Spotify. 3 things I probably need from my phone.
I do run a business though and some of that is on social media. Again Facebook is blocked but the business parts aren’t. There’s a work around for them all if you desperately need to use them.
Im sorry ur feeling this way too mark 
ya if i was able to go to bed i probably would right now. Nothing wrong with getting a little extra sleep. Unsettled is definitly the word that resignates with me. Its like idk what i need lol ur cleaning tho can be plugged away at tmrw if ur up to it. Some days are just easier than others. Hoping ur night improves too
Dont feel bad. You have asked her not to dump all her emotional and mental baggage on you before. Setting that boundary does not make you bad.
Im glad you have us to vent
Ur absolutely right! I have asked her… especially about certain topics. I know she feels lonely but at the same time she is in her DBT course 5 days a week now. She has counsellors and a psychiatrist and group to talk about things and to practice her skills. I just wish i could chat to her like things were before
Thanks! I gonna try to at least wash the dishes and put up some clothes. All day it’s been so foggy and damp and the sun has already gone down, I’ll probably be in bed by 9 pm. I got a long week ahead. My housing worked out, but there’s more I have to take care of.
Oh!!! Im so glad that worked out! One thing off ur list to worry about 
keep making those posiitve changes!
Skipping my ladies mtg tonight because im trying to enjoy my last few hours of freedom. Im cooking lunches for the week. Doing dishes. Then cooking steak for dinner. Followed by painting by number…thats right the same paint by number ive wanted to start for months but had a mental block preventing me from starting. 2023 is a year of action for me
today has been rough. mostly my fault for not taking my meds much this week. i take them twice a day and this week I only took them twice 2 days, the other 5 days I only took them once.
luckily I had today off work because I’ve been crying on and off for the last 3 hours, been wanting to self harm in some way. not cutting but slamming my head into the wall or just something. i haven’t though. i tried to draw and ended up messing up about 5 minutes into it and having a complete breakdown. continued it after I calmed down, drew for about 30 minutes, noticed a mistake and deleted it but now I’m calmer and have no way of getting the drawing back.
i feel like I’m not made to be a functional person. i feel completely hopeless and lost. my friend is going to hang out with me later but he only knows the extent of i was mad about my drawing earlier, he’s busy for a few hours and I’ve been an absolute wreck since he’s been busy. he’ll be back soon ish I think. I’m just sick of this cycle of thinking things will be okay and then I realize I’m not supposed to have a normal life. I’m not supposed to be okay. nothing has ever been okay, why would it ever be?
Im away from here for a few weeks and you just go ahead and do this?? Congrats dc! Oh and sorry i think we have run out of walken memes so here’s an oldie but goodie
Bye for now…
You dont sound like an awful person to me at all. It just sounds like you may need to practice setting some boundaries with your mom. Its very hard to do this with the people that we love when we want to be there for them but when “being there for them” starts to cause us resentments its time for action. I also had to do this with my mom who would constantly rope me into conversations around her crash diets and binge eating which I find very triggering. It wasnt until I felt alot of compassion for myself and valued my journey that I was able to speak up and protect myself by setting loving boundaries.
I have realized that I am not my mothers sounding board for her bad behavior. I have realized that her behavior brings me down. I can not recover for her but I can set a firm boundary and I can lead by example.
Thank you so much for ur input. Boundaries arent my fortay yet lol im either very weak in saying them or i wait wayyyy too long to set them and then blow up at the person due to resentment.
I tried to set boundaries with my mom like months ago. She took it well honestly. I told her that i was feeling uncomfortable with what she was doing in her life and then how i felt upset with what she was telling me. I told her it was hard for me to hear and asked if she wouldnt mention that stuff to me. She agreed initally. But over time (we talk everyday via text) she would slide comments into the conversation or hint at it and then apologize for mentioning it. This whole situation she made herself in, engulfs her entire life. Literally. So i cant even have a normal conversation about her day bcuz it always involves this situation shes in. Her mental health isnt well either. Shes sent herself to the hospital for mental health stuff. Is struggling with finding a good med for her BPD. Im worried about her so i feel stuck btwn just distancing myself and with helping her. But i do keep referring to her counsellors and DBT course and how the tools need to be practiced for them to work.
I also love ur last parapraph bcuz ur right im not her sounding board. Ive been a sounding board since i was a little girl. Always “counselling” my mom. I think its time to set some firm boundaries to protect my own mental health
You are not awful for feeling that way about your mother. You are not her counselor.
Hi
I hope you managed to feel better and you got to spend time with your friend 
Your being really hard on yourself 
Day 9, it’s been a good day so far. Hung out with friends and rested after the flight
1305
Have as good a day as you can all. Sober and clean. Love from Amsterdam.
@Dazercat Awesome work Eric. Huge congrats.
