I just needed to take a time out and sit with my feelings before my mindset turns to drink. I don’t know why when I feel like things are actually looking great, a curve ball always gets thrown at me and my entire mental state just turns to . I had already known in October while in jail, he was charged with 3rd degree assault and battery. Well I just found out that on Dec 25, he was charged with threatening the life of a police officer. Who in their right mind does that? So now I literally can feel my insides shaking. If he is that unstable a week ago and he is released in 15 days, what in the hell am I about to go through? I have got to get myself calmed back down and find a way to work through this sober. Part of me just wants to escape. The other part says your stronger than that and don’t let someone’s else’s actions dictate your reaction. I can’t control what will happen, but the one thing within my control is how I react and that I need a clear mind to get through this.
@Lola congrats on your new job change can be uncomfortable at first, but I hope the nerves and anxieties settle down quickly sending strength @DryIn785 congrats on double digits and I’m glad you have a ride sorted for your appointment @Juli1 I’m glad you have arrived home safely congrats on being back on track @Thumper1213 congrats on double digits @Cuddlefish congrats on 60 days @Scorpn I’m so glad the video helped you to reflect on your progress congrats on 50 days no restricting food @mamador it’s great to read from you, I’m glad you’re doing okay I’m sorry about your therapist though, I hope she pulls through and you can continue your work @Luna2022 I really hope you’ve got some support while you go through this sending strength @Planipennia not much more, but it was the only way to guarantee he would be at home to receive it
878 days no alcohol.
343 days no cocaine.
TW: mention of food, dieting, restricting and bingeing, normalised eating.
My rear windowscreen was replaced first thing this morning, which then enabled me to drive to my hometown to pick up my medication, I also got a haircut while I was there but it’s not as nice as it usually looks the last few times I’ve been, and he cut off most of the part I’ve been growing. Nvm, hair grows, most of the time.
Came home, went for a walk to wear-in my new trainers a bit as they were slipping on the pedals while I was driving. Felt dizzy and faint towards the end of the walk and ended up going to the shop and buying and eating lots of fruit and cereal, so I have to reset my bingeing counter again. I have reflected on this, and I think it’s time to attempt normalised eating again. The diet is not working. Plus if I’m eating normally, I should have more energy to partake in regular exercise at the gym, swimming, and walking. Hopefully this will also stop the bingeing episodes, because I won’t be restricting. I have ordered groceries, they are coming early tomorrow morning, I’m excited!
Now, meditations, reading, and hopefully some more sleep
Checking in day 123, and officially four months sober Feeling good. Had therapy and a meeting earlier, and now at work. I was able to squeeze in a little run between everything for that physical activity. Hope everyone’s Thursday is going great!
I’ve been struggling a lot this week with custody of my eyes and mind. A couple days ago, my brain’s toxicity level was at 8. (9 is a reset). So I’ve been in a bad place. I’m grateful I’m sober. Currently today and last night my brain cooled down and my TL level is at 5. Had a few episodes of lust and fantasy today, but for the most part, I’m a lot better. Whew! Stupid milestones. They seem to get me every time. Today makes 90 days. No P, no MB.
I have been penned up in my house with a mighty stomach virus since Monday night and all I can keep saying is, “Thank you God for the reminder to never drink again.” I am so grateful that I dont feel like this on the daily and I honestly cant believe that I used to function at the levels of illness I would get myself to. What an amazing life I have now where I am able to wake up in the morning fresh and alive. My body is sore every day but that I can deal with. A sore body ontop of a pounding headache and a pukey stomach; glad those are days in the past.
I was reminiscing a little about my New Years Eve this year. I partied like a rockstar and all I needed was one energy drink at 6 pm!!! Imagine that…
The best part of my NYE was that I had 3 sponsees with me, one of whom is only 21 years old and 5 months clean. It brought tears to my eyes to see her dancing and singing and having authentic fun with other clean kids her age. What a gift recovery is, its a gift we give ourselves and everyone else around us too. I am so damn grateful to be apart of the living today and to witness people coming back to life.
Had a pretty decent day. I’ve cooked, cleaned and exercised. Out for a hike (probably a long walk) with the Mrs tomorrow as shes finished work for the week. Dusted off Strava and will get it logged. Its been a while.
Mentally I’m laser focused at the minute but I’m still off work till Monday. I really need to work on keeping level whilst I have a full week of work on, I have a plan, and if that doesn’t work I’ll come up with another
Life is as busy and chaotic as we make it and I have a great tendency to let it be both a lot of the time. I’m hoping these last 3 weeks off work I’ve given me the ability to make the changes I have to. We will see. It’s another 3 days off yet and I’ll look at it again then.
For now it’s a long weekend to enjoy with the loved ones around me, some nice scenery and not forgetting keeping up with you folks. Some amazing sobriety here this week. You all inspire me
Not in a great headspace tonight. Woke up this morning at 6am well rested, did prayer, mediation and breakfast, and then… nothing. The whole day was just empty. The only thing that happened was bad news. I don’t have a ride to my appointment after all. Emily was told by her supervisor that they can’t take clients out of the county. So, back to square one with the appointment.
But it’s really the nothingness of the day that’s killing me. It’s days like this I usually break out the vodka to relieve whatever it is I’m feeling. I’m not sure. It wasn’t really a bad day, I just don’t know. Weird headspace. I’ll write more later if I can figure out my words. Have a good sober evening.
Im 4 days today and i guessvits boredom that is causing me to think about having a drink. Not in the best mood tonight but im going to have some snacks, read more posts and bed early.
I totally get ur post mark. Down time isnt good for me either. It usually puts me in a funk honestly. Like i dont know what to do with myself. I get antsy and my mind start going and i feel restless. Boredom used to be one of my many triggers to use. Sounds like it is for u too. I found picking up some hobbies to be helpful. Something at home that i can just pick up anytime and work on it. Do u like puzzles? Or any sort of art related stuff? Reading? Crafting? I found having a hobby to kill that downtime really helpful. By the way mark im super impressed with ur morning routine! I remember a time where you struggled with finding urself a routine and here u are with one proud of you!
Thank you Dana! Every body talks about Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. But boredom has always been one of my triggers. In a larger sense, it isn’t just boredom. It’s the feeling that I’m accomplishing nothing. Like, I could occupy my time with something, I’d still feel like the clock is ticking away while I’m doing nothing productive. Does that make sense? Or am I just babbling again? I do have one thing to do tonight; a good friend of mine is in prison and I gotta write back to her. That’ll give me something to do.
I’m grateful for my morning routine. Every time I relapse it’s been on a day I didn’t go through my ritual.
Have a great evening!
P.S. How’s your son doing?
Evening Check In Day 326 substance free Day 4 Binge free
Today was decent overall! Signed up for that virtual Conqueror Challenge, did some cleaning, did an at home leg workout, had a phone call appt, and spent quality time with my son. Honestly not alot happened today. There were times in my day where i was getting squirrly bcuz i guess i have a hard time not doing anything. Its like i dont know how to relax. My husband can sit in front of the TV and watch it and rest. Me… nope. I feel like I have to be doing or accomplishing something. Im always sort of doing something. Thats not necessarily a bad thing i guess. Im really proud of myself today bcuz i absolutely DID NOT want to work out, but did anyway bcuz i knew it would help me mentally more than physically. Anyway, grateful for my recovery and grateful for u all.
My son is doing much better! Thank you. He is back to his usual silly self I appreciate you asking about him. He has an MRI next week to see the status of his brainstem tumor. Always gets me a little anxious until i get the results that its stable and not growing. Im sure hes fine tho
I totally get this. Im exactly the same way. Then someone told me loooong ago that rest and relaxation IS doing something. Its just as important as getting tasks done. Mind you i feel like there needs to be a balance btwn accomplishing things and rest. Too much of anything (one or the other) isnt good lol i usually have a massive to do list thats on my phone and ill pick like 3 or 4 things that need to get done the next day. Im happy if i accomplish those. Then theres the days that i have basically have nothing to do and i get squirrly thinking i should be doing something. Well rest is something too
made it through day two no alcohol
around six months no pills
one month no vaping
I think I’m finally over the flu, ready to go back to work tomorrow. loving the money flow after a long period of unemployment. have to be proud of the baby steps!
working out helps mental clarity so much! I also used to struggle with binge eating so proud of you for 4 days, you got this.
but same with my partner he could play video games 24/7 and never get bored, but I can only do it for so long before needing to get out and do something. idk how he does it lol I almost wish I could
. I had already known in October while in jail, he was charged with 3rd degree assault and battery. Well I just found out that on Dec 25, he was charged with threatening the life of a police officer. Who in their right mind does that? So now I literally can feel my insides shaking. If he is that unstable a week ago and he is released in 15 days, what in the hell am I about to go through? I have got to get myself calmed back down and find a way to work through this sober. Part of me just wants to escape. The other part says your stronger than that and don’t let someone’s else’s actions dictate your reaction. I can’t control what will happen, but the one thing within my control is how I react and that I need a clear mind to get through this.
change can be uncomfortable at first, but I hope the nerves and anxieties settle down quickly 
sending strength 
sending strength 
Feeling good. Had therapy and a meeting earlier, and now at work. I was able to squeeze in a little run between everything for that physical activity. Hope everyone’s Thursday is going great!
proud of you!
Evening Check In 
I appreciate you asking about him. He has an MRI next week to see the status of his brainstem tumor. Always gets me a little anxious until i get the results that its stable and not growing. Im sure hes fine tho