A lot of us can remember being right there where you are at.
Saying no to a craving will not kill you, will not hurt you…giving in eventually will.
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I find it so hard to believe also, it’s genuinely shocking.
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Nice!
Comgrats on your sobriety.
@5.9MagA833 congrats on 3 years 
@Minatasha congrats on 10 months sending strength and I hope you feel better soon 
@SassyBoomer congrats on 28 years! and 16 days smoke-free 
for the sad days and I’m so pleased about the reconnections you’re about to enjoy, have a wonderful cruise 
@theboroguy congrats on your week
@Wakikki it’s happening now because you’re not self-medicating/numbing yourself anymore, and anxiety can mimic exactly like a heart-attack, all on the left side, weak shaky legs, feeling faint, chest pains, palpitations, breathlessness, the feeling that you will die, etc. I don’t know if you have tried meditation but I find it really helpful for managing my anxiety, although I am also on a lot of medications. I hope you will let the doctor make a referral for what she suggested, so you can start to heal and things become not so intense for you,I know how horrible it is.
@Juli1 because you don’t do that any more, it isn’t a treat or reward, it’s poison, sending strength
880 days no alcohol.
345 days no cocaine.
1 week no vape (NRT-only for 16 days, used 0mg liquid in my vape for 9 days of that).
TW: talking about food, bingeing, eating disorder.
I binged the rest of the yoghurts. Woke up every hour or two during the night and couldn’t sleep more than that until they were all gone. All 30 of them within 24hrs. I even made wraps at midnight and 2am and ate those too. It scares me that I am unable to control my food intake. Even when I’ve eaten a proper dinner in the evening. The wraps are nutritionally balanced but I still did not need them during the night, but the ingredients were there and I still couldn’t stop myself.
Today has been slightly better. I had a wrap at lunchtime, and with the yoghurts gone there has been nothing to binge, and so I have eaten normally since I finished the last yoghurts at 9am. I still have dinner to eat after posting this, which will be jacket potato and baked beans with no added sugar.
It has been very windy and raining all day, but I noticed the clouds parting around 4pm and managed to get a walk in. It was nice but my feet aren’t too happy about it now. The rain started again just as I was getting home.
I feel kinda defeated regarding food and the eating disorder. When I restrict I end up bingeing, and when I buy groceries I end up bingeing or eating when I shouldn’t be.
All I know is that although I don’t have any money in my budget, I am prepared to invest some of my savings into private therapy. I have my initial consultation with a potential new therapist on the 10th, so I am really looking forward to that, a bit nervous though.
I hope you’re all having wonderful sober weekends.
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Day 2 sober
I decided even though I didn’t drink my goal is abstinence from substances so I’m totally back at day 2.
Feeling optimistic
Applied for a few jobs and waiting to hear back from one of them
Im blessed to have good people and good things in my life
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Thank you all.
Streched a bit and will go swimming now.
Take it one hour at a time. 
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Sounds so simple, so easy.
“You can just have a drink after your swim.” Is that your reality though?
As far as I have seen your reality is that you are stuck in a cycle of active addiction again which is much more than “a drink after a swim.” The most important thing that we can do is be honest with ourselves. Your spirit has been marred by the predator of your addiction, its been captured and instead of living freely you are begining to live falsely again. Be honest with yourself, so that you can get out of the grips of that decietful predator. You are being given chances to get ahold of yourself and you are very lucky. Many of us dont get those, many of us die the first time we go back out.
Its time to choose yourself. 
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Checking in, day 792. Today I was really uptight all day long for no reason. I postponed my work, but that didn’t help, so I just read and then dusted off my polimer clay set and practiced faces a bit. That was actually good, it made me forget about the outside world for a few hours. Tomorrow I plan to go out for a little hike with my son, so hopefully that will calm me down a bit.
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Today is day 5. I slept through the night again on my moms couch which was nice. I am working today and it feels good to be at work making my clients happy although my anxiety is still very high. I feel… happy to be alive. Very blessed. Thanking god that I’ve been given an opportunity to start my life over sober and be the best version of myself. That was my New Year’s resolution. Be the best version of myself. Along with that comes being sober. And a good friend. A good sister, daughter, all that shit. I know it will not be easy to feel leveled out again but I am one day closer to that and I feel happy. Again thank you all for sharing your stories. Helps so much
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Thank you for taking your time for this. Really appreciate it. It is true, we are strong, really strong. So I dont know why I see it as being defeated. My growing up was not normal, I know that, I know it was not my fault either, and it made me who I am in good and bad, but also at this point I feel like I dont know who I am. I grew up the way I did, I drank heavily for years, now Im sober for over a year, and who am I?
Going to continue this road, to stay sober, to find me, to find out who I am, to heal. Im happy we can walk togheter.
Thank you
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No thanks needed as what you wrote hit me right in the feels and my reply sort of gushed out of me. While drinking we hid for the world and for ourselves, and now we’re sober we’re finding out who we really are. Makes me happy x.
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Checking in Day 55, oh how good it feels to not be hungover/continuing to drink on a Saturday. I hope everyone has a great weekend! Quick question, where does everyone get their sobriety chips? Amazon or?
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91 daya tobacco free! WTF???..over 3 months. I believe I can do this.
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Can I ask… Do you or did you ever feel guilty for feeling what you feel or did feel, about what was bad in growing up? Even if I know it was not right or good for me as a child growing up that way, I feel guilty for thinking and feeling that way, because I also have lots of good memories. Kind of in a way that I think that I should think the good should outweigh the bad. I feel like I point out my dad as a bad and evil person and a parent, but I really loved him, and I would never want him to feel sad or guilty.
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You are doing it Scott. Congrats friend. Never again.
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Parents have to f*ck up stuff so terribly, for us not to love them… Loving our parents is hardwired into us all. They’re our genes, they’re our providers, they’re our everything. So of course we feel guilty when we remember the bad and are mad at them.
One thing a psychiatrist told me (about the only useful thing that contact got me) when I told him I was angry at my mom but how could I be, it was a good woman wasn’t she? He told she might be a good woman, but was she a good mom? Well she wasn’t. Like my dad wasn’t a good dad.
They were both good humans and did good things in life, but they were lousy at parenting. Took me a long while to make that distinction and I only realized that after both had died so I never had to confront them with that knowledge. And not sure that I would have confronted them with that too. They had lousy childhoods too.
I actually feel love for my parents still even though they weren’t good parents. But I also see ever clearer all the stuff they didn’t do good. Two different things. And I no longer feel guilty for either. I’m working on myself. It takes time friend.
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Yeah, Im sure it takes time, I need to just let time help me.
I still love my father, and I could never imagine changing him out, I know he loved me too. Its wierd, I feel and had such a bond with him. Everyone always said: you and your dad have such a speciall bond. He is dead, so I can never confront him, dont think I would anyway, I cant with my mom either even although shes alive.
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2 hours more
Back from a brilliant swim without taking the exit to the grocery to buy wine.
Training brings the right hormones.
Have some fancy Mango zero limo at home. 
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Thanks for your honest words!
Changing by point of view…
I want sobriety back and take addiction back into standby! 
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Amazing work Juli. Middle finger straight at those cravings. Well done!
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