@Minatasha
Congratulations to 10 months of sobriety!
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This has been a powerful, emotional week for me. The 5th was the birthday of my deceased sister in law who I miss so much as well as the first birthday of my precious great granddaughter. The 6th was the birthday of my deceased brother, Danny, who I also miss very much. Today, I celebrate 28 years clean and what a bloody miracle that is. Tomorrow I meet my half brother for the first time ever and see my sister for the first time in over a decade. And Monday we all set sail on my very first cruise ever. So much emotion and memories packed into such a short period of time. Im sitting here on the edge of tears and overwhelmed with emotions yet Iām full of gratitude. Oh. And Iām 16 days cigarette free. Canāt forget to mention that miracle lol.
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Is it made out of sugar?
Because you have to change the blades?
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More time for hiking!
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Checking in on day 7. Almost a week. I feel OK.
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I needed to see that picture you included in your post. Thank you.
As far as the band goes it sounds like youāve outgrown your hobby or at the very least needed a break from it. Good for you taking steps you needed to take. 
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Day 879
Good day again, bit of cleaning, bit of work, bit of cooking different dishes, bit of hanging out with kids.
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Day 98
Everything I planned is done, now freetime 
Looking forward to my kettlebell training, I received an info on here that there is an App with kettlebell workouts, going to check it out later today (Thank you @anon74766472 
)
As you know I again tried to live vegan. My Dr. told me not to because of my hashimotos. Itās not healthy for me so Iāll stop it. Got eggs, chicken and some Onigiri with salmon and tuna, already inhaled one. OMG so good!
Now I just chill and watch some inspirational Videos on YouTube about a buddhist monk who has interesting ideas how to manage life. He has some critic but wherever there is light there are shadows too. I donāt really wanna know where he comes from or what his real name is. The messages resonate with me and that counts.
I hope you guys are having a beautiful sober day, stay strong 
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Yeah, I have read aboute trauma, hears about it and talked with people having and dealing with trauma. But I have never looked at my self like traumatized. Like you said, I have always taugth about it like really heavy shit like war, dramatic accidents, sexuall assult and stuff like that.
For my self, like hearing my parents arguing, my mom picking me up at friends for leaving my father til he sobers up, being introdused to friends at party at nigthtime if woke up from sleeping, laying awake at nigth waiting for my dad to go to sleep so I know he is safe or waiting awake in bed for him to come home from pubs at nigth to know he is safe home. I even called the pubs to ask them to please send him home. I hated holidays, specially summer, because it was so long, I did not like him drinking. He never hurt me, like lots of yelling og being physical.
I know this is not normal, but I never tougth this is traumatizing. Because, hey, I made it so far, and still stands, I function( in a way 
)
From I was around 11, I self harmed. I have a lot of scars. I did this because, I hated feeling stuff inside, I could not handel it, It was better feeling stuff physical, to see it flod away. I dont do it anymore, When I got my daugther at age 19, I stopped. I have occasionally done it, when the feelings of what ever have been to much, and I havent know how to deal with it.
So Im here, thinking, naa Im not traumatized, Im not weak. Why would this come now, at age 34, mot before, and why mainly my left side. It have to be something serious going on with me, something wrong and having some sickness and they dont find it, so Im going to die from this soon.
Im sure I explain my self not to good, its not so easy to find the rigth way or words in english.
I really appreciate your replie, for taking your time
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Hello fam wow man so much good stuff, milestones, and resets, all great stuff actually. I just wanted to say hello and that Iām so proud of myself, and @everyone here for staying, and coming back no matter what. Iām filled with gratitude this morning waking up at my child hoods friends house on the couch. I love that I can be here while he and his girlfriend drink, and I drink my mineral water haha. They know Iām in recovery and Respect it if I asked them to not drink they wouldnāt, but the way I see it is my problem isnāt everyone elseās problem. I just feel so blessed to wake up clean, be off of work, spend time with friends, and come here and share my thoughts, and experiences. I will probably go home later but we will see. In the meantime Iām enjoying my new found freedom in this moment 
much love fam I hope everyone is doing as well as you can be today 
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Morning Check In
Day 328 Substance free
Day 6 Binge free
Had an awful using dream last night. In my dream i used drugs and then i remember myself trying to justify and hide my using saying, āill just pretend it never happened and keep on with my timerā. Complete dishonesty in my dream. I woke up sooo grateful to be clean but at the same time very mentally off. That dream was awful.
Im just drinking coffee now and will slowly get ready to head out with my son for groceries. Hubby is tattooing today so i get to stay home from work and get a few things done. Will try to pop on the zoom here today since im not working.
I have noticed also, a new fear surface in my life. I actually have a fear of death. Strange bcuz i never used to back in the day. But im scared to die and im scared of others dying. Idk what this is about. I think its bcuz i really enjoy life today and love the relationships im building, that im scared to lose that. Anyway I hope everyone has an addiction free day!
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Wow. That is a lot to have on your mind all at one time. Remember you earned the chance to meet these family members through your sobriety.
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That right there. Weāre not weak. Weāre super strong. We survived. We survived by any means necessary. Our young minds devised ways to survive, to take care of ourselves, to take care of others too. As a ten year old I was often praised for how grown up I acted. We didnāt get a change to be young. We had to fend for ourselves and we did and we made it through by being super strong and taking care of business.
These strategies we used at kids worked in so far that we survived, but in the end surviving is all we did. We didnāt get the chance to properly grow up, to become adults in our own time, to become adults in the proper time. Instead we were forced to grow up before our time. And the strategies we developed to survive and grow up and act like grown ups were imperfect because we were too young and our brains were underdeveloped. We did the best we could at our young ages. We were too young for what we were asked to do. So we took flight in behaviours like using booze and drugs and taking unnecessary risks and self harm and whatever.
We were strong where we should have had the chance to be weak and frail and learn from our mistakes but we were never given that chance. Instead we had to be super strong all the time. Call it trauma, call it problematic attachment, call it whatever. We didnāt get the chance to grow up normally.
And now weāre sober and clean and we finally get the chance to learn to be adults. I am learning. Itās a long hard road. So happy to be walking it though. Together with you all and together with you Wakiki. Thanks for being on the road with me. Big hugs.
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Wow my friend! Thats alot of emotion to process. I want to say tho a huge congratulations on ur 28 years clean! AND 16 days of being smoke free! I am soo proud of you!! Hugs! 
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Hello all,
Checking in on Day 1,625 Sober.
Thanks
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Checking in day 125! Worked late again so pretty sleepy, but glad to be off today. Iām going to brunch with coworkers today- I was nervous about going because of the alcohol culture around brunching. I havenāt told them Iām sober, but one said something along the lines of āI know he doesnāt drink but we canā in our group chat. Made me feel more relaxed that they seem to have picked up on the fact that Iām a non-drinker, I may even mention being a non drinker (without a ton of detail) while weāre there. Anyway, listened to a sobriety podcast this morning and feel nice and prepared. Going to relax the rest of the day.
Have a lovely sober Saturday friends!
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Day 46 
managed some wheat a bix thus morning the panky not happy
Chilling on cod with the lads
Happy sober Saturday everyone.
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Congratulations on ur 1 week!!!
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Checking in Day 8 AF
Yesterday I didnāt get much done on my day off and I was very unproductive. All I did was see my gbaby, & get a haircut. I just felt really tired all day, and today I woke up feeling a little worse. At least Iām not hungover. The pain in my knees are pretty bad. My mom and brother have had two total knee replacements, and I know that eventually I will have to have it done too. I donāt know if the meds the Dr put me on have started not working as good, or if itās the chilly weather or heck maybe a little of both. Either way Iām going to have to push through it today. Thereās still so much remodeling left to do on my house, and me trying to do most of it, does feel overwhelming at times, but I need to accomplish something today. I did sell the truck I bought my ex yesterday, but I took a $3,500 loss on it. It was worth it though, just to let go of it.
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Hello,
I am craving.
Like why not having a glass after swim workout. Damn.
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