On day 4 after yet another relapse…I’ve got a good sponsor and support but the only person I’ve been honest about my recent drinking with has been my therapist. While it was good to get that off my chest, I still feel crappy inside about lying by omission to the other important people in my life -especially my partner who has 2 1/2 years clean.
I live in sober living, so if I was rigorously honest at home I’d end up getting kicked out. Being homeless is not an acceptable consequence to me at the moment. I feel confused and screwed up over it and like I’m a bad person.
All I know for sure is that I don’t want to drink anymore, but I’ve continued to go back to it over and again. I’ve been able to stop long enough here and there to make some substantial progress in certain areas of my life and heal considerably in others…but know I’m precariously close to losing so much all over again if I continue to pick up.
So far I’ve made it to 4:36pm today without picking up. I plan to take the rest of the day moment by moment if necessary to make it to bedtime sober tonight. Thank you for this safe space for me to be completely honest.
Day 155, first Valentine’s Day single in 10 years and sober in 7. My students made me feel loved today but I will be working an overnight at one of my ambulance companies tonight. Holidays are always hard because you’re almost guaranteed an overdose on either alcohol or drugs (alcohol tends to be much more triggering for me because we can’t reverse it). Hoping for a supportive crew tonight if this the type of night ahead.
Tell your sponsor, this is the person who understands more than anyone else and won’t judge. They cannot help you if you are not 100% honest with them… No one else needs to know unless you have a god then it’s always worth 5 minutes with just the 2 of you.
Day 7 sober.
Days
127 drug free
44 self harm free
90 not restricting
Valentine’s Day. I always do too much. Buy things for others. Put too much thought and effort in. Whew.
Only 3 hours left. And it’ll be done. 
Sorry I’m in a cranky mood today. But i haven’t checked in in a few days…
Moving forward. ODAAT
day 350 of no self harm
nothing much to report. had a fun valentine’s day party for the kids at work. supposed to have crazy weather tomorrow so praying for no work but will most likely have it anyway.
I can’t believe that in 15 days I will be a year clean
Thank you!!
Day 512 checking in 
Wow 350 days Congratulations 
and you have just made my day !! Iv not been on much for slot of catching up to do itn so proud of you 
Didn’t knew you had a therapist already. Glad @LeeHawk responded with more tips. Hope you feel a bit better Karen.
#Day 1611 
Had a calm day yesterday. Planning to do the same today. Tomorrow I have to work again. Not in my best shape according work lately. I do not feel motivated. Hope is just a phase.
Today? Walk, finishing my Lego project, fix a whole in my daughters jacket and topping off the day with a hot bath.
Picture made yesterday, my eye catched that little white feather. Do you see it?
I 
those tiny nature things.
Have a good day all of you and don’t forget to celebrate every milestone with something good like icecream ore cake 
I had a lot of catching up to do…
@Butterflymoonwoman Dana Big Big Congratulations On Your One Year! I’m so very happy for you. Watching your progress and reading about your life gives me a lot of joy.
@Twizzlers & @RosaCanDo congratulations on 500, ladies! That was a big one for me. You both deserve to be proud of yourselves. I appreciate you both!
@Misokatsu haven’t seen any updates from you. Hope all is well!
@Axsis so sorry to read about your dog. Really so sad. You won’t forget the love you shared, ever.
@Mno if those travel plans solidify we gotta chat. 
@Nowenbrace I’m glad to read you did the right thing and don’t continue on with your relapse. But I’m also wondering if you’ve done all the soul searching worth doing re this incident. Maybe there’s a few lessons in there to be learnt for you? Why you give your partner the power to absolve you for relapsing would be one of them for me. I wish you the best on your path, and I think our best we achieve via observing and questioning ourselves and our inner world honestly.
Thankyou 
hope your well 
Hi Faugxh, Ty point taken. I know a big lesson there was I was ready to risk “being imprisoned” by addiction again
And
If there were more bottles in house I would have tried to get thoroughly wasted.
I will remember things and benefits of the sober life incl no hangovers and not digging a deeper bottom . ∆ Don’t want my karma ripening in that direction so I will stick with the Buddhist 5 precepts.
Thx Faugxh, have a great week friend.
Day 137
The cold is still there 
This mf loves me so much that this morning my throat tried to kill me again. Thanks God I always have any kind of medicine at home but it’s decreasing fast 
I had to call my hairdresser this morning bc I won’t make it on Friday, she almost didn’t understand me bc my voice is still uh… let’s say I have a nice deep voice haha!
Still not thinking about drinking. When having a cold in the past it was common to have a “Grog”, I know this from my parents. You mix rum with honey and hot water. Horrible taste and it has no benefits for your body when it’s fighting a cold. Alcohol was so common in our family, it’s creepy.
It’s 11:30 am and I’ll now put away my cellphone to have another nap.
Later I must wash my hair, I want to buy some groceries online and I don’t want to scare away the delivery guy 
It’s more expensive but it helps so much when you can’t leave your home.
I hope you’re having a beautiful sober day friends and stay strong 
Edit: @Juli1 I’m so proud of you girl for taking the correct route 
Keep going!
Sorry it’s been a busy week and I’m just catching up.
Belated congratulations to @Twizzlers and @RosaCanDo on cracking the big 500!
And another massive congrats to @Butterflymoonwoman. One whole year is huge and something to celebrate 
You guys inspire the heck outta me.
322 days, so tired today 
An opportunity came up at work for me to apply for a permanent role, it doesn’t happen very often. Most people are employed under contracts that are renewed annually. And although I absolutely hated the interview process going into this new job, and I’ve only just done it, I’m throwing my name in anyway. Even though it makes me want to throw up, haha. Trying to push myself into the uncomfortable to grow.
Why does backing yourself and being put on the spot feel so bad?
Anywho, I’m also still on a steep learning curve at work, getting lots of feed back, learning, still new. It’s a bit deflating not having a grip on things yet but it’s complex so to be expected. Trying not to beat myself up too hard.
Thanks for reading 